AIBU to feel a bit conflicted about this...

[everythinghippie29]

DP has just been offered a free ticket to a 5 day festival this summer. It is a festival we would both love to go to but weren't able to as we couldn't afford to go and have a 7 month old ds who is still BF.

I'm currently on maternity leave and we had decided that I will not be going back to work as our childcare costs would be the same amount as I earn and so not worth it. Money is really tight as next month is my first without maternity pay.

DP recently won a few vouchers at work (for his hard work) had we had earmarked for a new vacuum cleaner as ours is broken (After he had ddecided there was nothing he particularly wanted/needed himself) He's now decided he wants to 'sell' his vouchers to use as spending money at the festival (in honesty, the amount he would get wouldn't cover food and drink over 5 days at festival prices, let alone the additional bits and pieces such as travel, so it would involve additional cash being spent!)

DP had also previously told me we could not visit my family (who live far away and I only see a couple of times a year) at Christmas as he had no holiday left. Suddenly he has a spare 3 days free which when combined with the weekend would allow him to attend.

He is a grown man and he earned his vouchers so it IS up to him what happens with them but at the moment I feel both annoyed and at the same time guilty for being annoyed/jealous that he gets 5 days of fun, while I'm at home with the baby and no break.

He does work hard but so do I with a clingy baby who still doesn't sleep through and is still EBF. I would never dream of spending this much of our limited money on something for just me. Obviously it is his choice, but would I be unreasonable to tell him that I think he is being selfish or let him go and enjoy himself. I feel so grumpy, old and curmudgeonly and I know it's all mainly because I like love to go too! :(

OP

I'd be upset about the whole thing. Im sat at home on my own with the kids tonight while my usually thoughtful and kind husband goes on his third night out in a week. All of my friends are there and I could cry - so I don't know how mad i would be about a five day festival! YANBU

I'd be really pissed off about using the vouchers for cash instead of a Hoover when you clearly need one. Maybe a few weeks of DP doing all the hoovering might focus his mind on that.

I'd also be really upset about the magic 3 days holiday he didn't have for family but does have for the festival.

Also upset about the assumption you'll just look after his son for 5 days on your own.

I'm all for partners getting to do things they want to do, but this hasn't been very considered or fair.

If he's spending the "new Hoover" money then he takes over hoovering duties for the foreseeable future.

He is going to spend non existent family money on a five day jolly when he had no spare leave and you have to get down on your hands and knees to hoover!

How long before that sort of thing festers into resentment on your part and damages your relationship.

If he could have done it all on the vouchers that may have been OK but it is selfish when it leaves you short of money and struggling.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him all this. He sounds like he has got carried away.

My DH did something similar in the past, I pointed out the unfairness of it all esp him assuming I would provide all the childcare for this jolly. To be fair, once it was spelled out to him the penny dropped and he was v apologetic. And arranged for inlaws to have DC and we went away on lovely weekend together. It just hadn't occurred to him.

this happend to me when I was younger, I was left holding the baby that was crying for "Dadda" for 3 days, he didn't ring and I am not proud of
this but as a 19 year old mum who worked full time I hated him for it. Have never forgiven him and it caused a lot of resentment and trouble.

Over it now, but my son is 19 next and I have more independence and a lot more clout after 20 years. It never fails to amaze me, how my DH manages to go on these little self entitled breaks, how they can be so selfish, I suppose i just think right O and do what i want with the kids now, his loss. That was the good thing about having twins, made me fiesty and independent, I love being the captain of my own ship these days.

I understand where you are coming from and I think he is being a selfish arse, have a cup of tea in me :)

I don't think this is acceptable.

If he got a free ticket to a local festival and it wouldn't cost your family money, it would selfish to not let him go. But that isn't the case. Food, drink, and travel will cost your family money - and since you are the sahp and he is the working parent, his income is for all of you. In my eyes, vouchers he earns through work are still family money and should be treated as such.

He's being selfish and inconsiderate.

Sorry for derailing but dont get into the mindset that he has free reign with the vouchers as he 'earned' them. You don't have the opportunity to earn cash, which is a family decision so anything he earns is joint. Everything is joint and family money. Otherwise what's next? He works hard and gets a promotion, so the pay rise should be spending money for him alone because he worked so hard?

The only exception i reckon is if he has 'pocket money' which he bets and wins, as it originates from 'his' money.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, how much is this week likely to cost - travel costs, food costs etc, how much were the vouchers worth?

Could you agree he pays the family budget back from next birthday/Christmas money, appreciate the budget is tight but does he have any other treats he could cut back on eg pub visits etc

Also, presumably you'll end up going 10 days without much of a break as he'll be back to work after the festival? If you do decide to agree to him going, make sure he commits to doing maximum childcare evenings and following weekend. Can imagine he'll be tired...

He does the vacuuming from now,it won't take long with such a fine working appliance. You go to see your family at Christmas and have some kind of break with a few extra helping hands.

Invite your family to come and stay while he is away? Then you get company and a break?

As for the hoover, get the cheaper one. They are all crap anyway (my Dyson was a sucking bastard)

Bottom line is regardless of the ticket being free, 'you can't afford it'. Yes it's frustrating to turn down what is a 'bargain'. He should be able to come to that conclusion himself, rather than need you to tell him and position yourself as the bad guy.

If it's ok for you to want to go but be unable to and live with the disappointment, then it's ok for him to want to go but be unable to and live with the disapointment.

well to be honest .if you can afford it i would just let him go .get a cheap flight or whatever for you and the baby .and bugger off for a couple of weeks to your parents without him .if he moans say well you are spending money we cant afford as well .

As for the Hoover, technically ours still works but only the tube part (it's an upright and the bottom bit won't suck anymore) so doing any room takes me ages on hand and knee!

If you turn it around, you'll see why you feel the way you do.

DH is spending excessive amounts of time everyday, in an uncomfortable hands and knnes position, having to make do with a broken tool, to do a necessary job that benefits the whole family.

You win some vouchers. Vouchers that you decide to cash in so DH doesn't have to spend excessive amounts of time everyday, in an uncomfortable hands and knees position, having to make do with a broken tool, to do a necessary job that benefits the whole family. Cos the money would buy a new tool that actually worked. Yay!

But then...

Somebody gives you a "free week at the spa" ticket. You redivert the vouchers to pay for travel and extra massages. Waltz off for five days, leaving DH holding the baby, when not on his hands and knees with his still broken tool.

Would you expect your DH to feel conflicted if you did that to him ? Would he wonder why he had sunk so low on your list of priorities ?

Big fat hug, and switch it back on him. Turn it around. See if he can see the bare selfish bones of what he is doing. Maybe he'll think twice.

Well put, Mammuzza.

even with free tickets you have to get there, pay for stuff etc.

Sounds awfully selfish of him.

you get kids, you have to re prioritise, compromise, & sometimes even not do what you want to!

The vouchers are only £100 but he has said he'll also use some of his birthday money ( £30 tops) towards it as well. When we went last year we easily spent £25 per day on food each, train and taxi to the site would be another £20 + and he would also buy alcohol and probably weed which would add more on. Then there are additional bits and pieces that generally get frittered away at events like this. Generally think we'd be looking at about 100 of 'our' money.

In fairness he doesn't spend a lot on 'treats' apart from the odd takeaway which is obviously for both of us, but then neither do I. Ive stopped wearing make up because i feel it is an unfair expense to spend on just me!

If I'm totally honest with myself, although money is a factor it's more the thoughtlessness of it that gets to me. If he is that desperate, I'd rather he put what he would spend to a side and it be something we save for to do next year together! I know that's ME being selfish and irrational. I need to have a talk with him but everything I think to say sounds marytr-ish and petty!

And I really was excited about the new Hoover. loser

Thanks for all of the advice, having people put it into perspective for me like that makes me feel a bit less like the miserable ol' ball and chain!

I will talk to him and let him know how much I appreciate what he does for us (I really do know he works hard and, despite how it might have come across, he is a good daddy and helps me where he can!) i think DS is too young and our finances too tight for this kind of thing. If he cant see that, we might have bigger issues!

I know that's ME being selfish and irrational.

No, it isn't you.

Your reaction is perfectly rational.

And it is not selfish to feel upset that you have dropped on the list of your husband's priorities to the extent that he will leave you for an indefinate period on your hands and knees, for excessive amounts of time, doing a necessary job that benefits the whole family.. with a broken tool that wasn't replaced so he could have some fun, all while dumping you in the role of Cinderella.. with extra added baby.

If you haven't seen your family then i think this should take priority over a festival.

I understand that you dont want to go on your own on christmas, you probably want to spend christmas the three of you as it will be your first one with your baby.
But you could go either before or after. I took each of my babies to meet my family and my birth place. We took a lot of photos of each baby with my relatives and some of them are not in life anymore so i am very glad that i did.

A festival is fun but not as important as family and baby meeting all his/her relatives.

Thank you mammuzza

You've really put it into perspective for me! I should point out though, my housekeeping abilities are far from Cinderella (!) and DP is generally very lovely...I feel a bit of a fraud right now as I'm posting this from the bath whilst DP watches football withlooks after DS downstairs!

I 've just read the make up bit !!
Are you serious?

Cant you buy a supermarket lipstick and mascara?

Laquita I have a few bits for special occasions now and hoping I might get a few bits off my mum for my birthday! It's more just the everyday stuff! To be fair, with DS the time saved not putting slap on has been quite useful!

Let him go, but only if he agrees to go and see your parents at Christmas.