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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be hospitable?

62 replies

SauvignonBlanche · 05/07/2014 13:23

It's my last weekend before going into hospital to have a benign brain tumour removed on Monday.

We're volunteering at the local food bank this afternoon then have just a quiet family time planned, though no doubt DH and DS will want to watch the football.

We were on our way to Sainsburys when DH's mobile went, it was BIL, who leaves 300 miles away, saying that he was half an hour away and was popping in for a visit.

When I called him back to ask if he was stopping for dinner (I wanted to know how much food to buy) it became apparent that he planned to stay overnight.

BIL is really hard work, very opinionated and doesn't listen to a word anyone says, he does have mental and physical health problems.

I'm anxious anyway about this operation and this has just topped me over the edge, I sobbed hysterically in Sainsburys. Blush

I've tried to be nice but I just can't do it, he's just offered to look after the DCs ( the eldest of which is 17!) so we can go out, I snapped that I wanted to spend time with my family and have left the room.

I know IABU but I just can't do it!

OP posts:
neolara · 05/07/2014 13:25

Get your dh to tell him no. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this now. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do.

Good luck with your op.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 05/07/2014 13:28

Good luck on Monday Flowers

I agree with dh telling him an overnight stay/visit isn't on.

If he's pissed off so be it!

FelineLou · 05/07/2014 13:28

Well tell him - find a B& B and a hotel and say he has to use one of these. You need to feel relaxed and cared for nor stressed out but he probably thinks he is being supportive. YOU MUST TELL HIM ITS "NOT CONVENIENT".

Waltonswatcher · 05/07/2014 13:32

Saying no is perfectly ok .
Learning how to say no has been the most enabling thing I have ever done for myself .
He could have approached this in so many ways that offered the no option easily . He sounds lacking in empathy.
Good luck .

PedlarsSpanner · 05/07/2014 13:32

Please get your husband to shoo him out

You have enough on your plate

Good luck with the op

StandsOnGoldenSands · 05/07/2014 13:34

Yanbu.
Put your foot down.
Good luck with the operation btw Thanks

wafflyversatile · 05/07/2014 13:37

Another vote for all the above.

Get your DH to call him and explain that as you have a big op coming up and just need quiet time with family and you're simply not up to having guests. If he gives any bluster then 'sorry, my wife is the one who is having the op, and it's her needs that matter. She doesn't need any guests.'

Good luck for monday.

ICanSeeTheSun · 05/07/2014 13:39

Yanbu

Good luck with your op

littlewhitebag · 05/07/2014 13:39

I assume from your post he is at your house right now? You need to sit him down and explain that you are going to hospital for a major operation and you need quiet time with your family. Also explain that it is rude of him to foist himself upon you with no warning. Then point him in the direction of the door. He needs to go and that is that.

Doubtfuldaphne · 05/07/2014 13:39

Your dh must put his foot down. BIL should've checked first before setting off. Good luck for Monday and put yourself first x

littlewhitebag · 05/07/2014 13:40

When I say you I mean your DH obviously!

Thumbwitch · 05/07/2014 13:42

God no YANBU. How very bloody rude of him to just land himself on you like that without even checking if it was convenient!

Do get your DH to tell him that it's just not a good time and he really needs to find alternative accommodation.

YouTheCat · 05/07/2014 13:42

Turf the bastard out!

And good luck for Monday.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 05/07/2014 13:46

GET BLOODY RID!!!

How ABSOLUTELY inappropriate.

I hope to goodness your DH is enough of a normal human being to propel him firmly out of the door!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 05/07/2014 13:48

Oh and bloody good for you that you snapped.

Opinionated? So fucking rude, in other words?

Snap away until Mr Rhino Hide gets the point, and maybe next time he'll have enough respect for you to ASK if it's convenient to stay overnight!

Vinomcstephens · 05/07/2014 13:56

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle - however opinionated etc your BIL may be, and however undesirable as a guest - he DID call (albeit with very little notice) and either you or your husband should have just said no to him then. I completely empathise with you and how stressed you must be about Monday - I am in NO way trying be disagreeable towards you, but I do feel this could all have been avoided if BIL had just been told no when he called.

There's no need for this to turn into a drama - he's here now, so your husband just needs to tell him that it's not a good weekend and that he can't stay. I'm sure BIL will understand - but if he doesn't that's not your problem.

Wishing you all the very best for your operation Smile

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 05/07/2014 13:57

Start saying no now.

I had a brain biopsy in April and just managed to text dh afterwards to say I was ok. He then texted me back to ask for my sister's mobile number so he could organise a babysitter so he could come in to see me. I just remember staring at the phone in disbelief; I could barely hold it and he was still asking me to do things he could do himself (my sister lives a ten minute walk away).

Say to dh you are about to undergo major surgery and do not want to entertain bil. If he has a problem with this he is welcome to have surgery on your behalf and you will invite your relatives up for him to run around after.

Good luck with your op, I had a right frontal lobe biopsy and it was much easier than I expected, with much less pain than I thought (they give you the good painkillers though Grin ) I did have some bruising and a black eye for a week, but now all I have is a faint scar along my brow and you can't tell I had surgery at all. If you want to ask me anything about it, feel free to pm me.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 05/07/2014 14:01

Half an hour's notice for an unexpected overnight stay is not good enough at all. I would have been furious and would have said 'No'. Why couldn't he have called several days ago, to at least give you a chance to think about it. Selfish in the extreme.

I hope your husband tells him to bugger off and come again another time (giving adequate advance warning). Better still, ask him to wait for an invitation.

Best of luck with your op, Sauvignon - hope it all goes well.
Concentrate on you, and you alone Flowers

maras2 · 05/07/2014 14:19

Hope your DH has put him off by now.Best wishes for your operation SB.As I've seen you over on the Religion and Philosophy section I hope you don't mind if I tack an extra prayer onto my Rosary tonight .God bless.

FryOneFatManic · 05/07/2014 14:28

Yes, I totally agree your DH should be getting rid of him. You need the peace and quite before what is major surgery.

Your DH should have been saying no from the start. He must have known how anxious you are, and also he must know his brother is hard work.

His responsibility to get rid.

samithesausage · 05/07/2014 14:37

I agree with telling him to bugger off. I suppose if you're feeling nice you could let him stay for dinner.

awsomer · 05/07/2014 14:43

YANBU

You need to be kind to yourself. It's not about him, it's about you - you have no need to feel any worry or guilt. It will all be sorted out soon and then you can enjoy the weekend :)

Best of luck with the op!

KnackeredMuchly · 05/07/2014 15:21

I would literally tell him to fuck off.

VegasIsBest · 05/07/2014 15:33

Hope you get this sorted and enjoy some time with your family. Good luck with the op.

tripecity · 05/07/2014 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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