To not want to be hospitable?

[SauvignonBlanche]

It's my last weekend before going into hospital to have a benign brain tumour removed on Monday.

We're volunteering at the local food bank this afternoon then have just a quiet family time planned, though no doubt DH and DS will want to watch the football.

We were on our way to Sainsburys when DH's mobile went, it was BIL, who leaves 300 miles away, saying that he was half an hour away and was popping in for a visit.

When I called him back to ask if he was stopping for dinner (I wanted to know how much food to buy) it became apparent that he planned to stay overnight.

BIL is really hard work, very opinionated and doesn't listen to a word anyone says, he does have mental and physical health problems.

I'm anxious anyway about this operation and this has just topped me over the edge, I sobbed hysterically in Sainsburys.

I've tried to be nice but I just can't do it, he's just offered to look after the DCs ( the eldest of which is 17!) so we can go out, I snapped that I wanted to spend time with my family and have left the room.

I know IABU but I just can't do it!

No. Just no.

He needs to leave right now. If he doesn't have the intelligence to realise that himself, then your DH has to tell him that this weekend is not a good time and you need peace and quiet by yourselves.

I'm beyond impressed and full of admiration that you've been volunteering two days before the op, let alone putting someone difficult up the the night.

NO

My brother in law is an absolute handful and I frequently tell him he can't come over for far less worthy reasons.

The last thing you need right now is an in law getting under your feet. Tell him to fuck off.

Oh and good luck Xx

I'm just back from the Foodbank supermarket collection. BIL is here for the night.
He suffers from depression and has other physical problems, he's too tired to get all the way home today from where he was, hence the unannounced visit.
I believe his mental health problems have led him to become self-absorbed, he'd forgotten I was going for surgery. He'd forgotten his aunt had died last time DH saw him.
DH won't kick him out and much as I want to I can't either.
I'm just going to spend the evening in another room, feigning dislike of the football though I have watched every other bloody match.

DH is just too soft but I feel he's let me down, though I know he didn't mean to.

Tell your husband he owes you for this, he owes you diamonds!

He might not have meant to, but he has let you down. Best he can do now is shepherd your BIL out the door asap tomorrow, so you at least have one day with your family to relax and be unstressed.

Good luck with the op on Monday x

Sorry to hear it's panned out like this.

Rest up and try to relax, let your H deal with your brother and wait on you hand and foot.

Sending you a virtual rub on the arm < rub>

Your op trumps his depression.

Your dh needs telling.

I've put the dinner I'd bought in the freezer as it won't stretch. I've ordered a Dominos as I refuse to cook.
I've had Pimms and beer so far, I'll have some wine next.
I'll have a headache on Monday so might as well get in some practice tomorrow.

I actually think he is disgusting for turning up uninvited for an overnight stay at the house of someone who is just about to have a brain tumour removed, and for staying put even when it is perfectly clear that it is a very bad and unwelcome time.

I know 'disgusting' is a strong word, but I can't get my head round his utter selfishness, I really can't.

The offer to look after the DCs was probably well meant so thank him. Then DH must say No and mean it.

Good luck on Monday and MN is behind you

Ps, before I get flamed, I just saw that he has depression and forgot you were due to go for an OP, but now that he has been reminded, it is still not on for him to put his own needs before those of someone with a tumour.

If he is well enough to be away from home, he is well enough to get back home.

Your DH should really be ashamed of himself here. Really ashamed.

I'm sorry - hopefully tomorrow will be better. Spoil yourself!

And BEST of luck with your op. It will be absolutely fine I'm sure and in a few weeks tonight will seem of much less importance than it does now.

I know, but it's such a long way, he's too tired to drive it.

Sauvignon - what did he say when he remembered/was reminded that you have brain surgery on Monday? Was he horrified at his thoughtlessness? Apologetic?

Tbh - I have depression, and yes, it makes me utterly exhausted at times - but if I arrived at a relative's house, having asked to stay, and realised that I had forgotten something so important as my hostess's upcoming brain surgery, I would have apologised abjectly, and removed myself pronto, to a B&B, or home in a taxi. There is no way I would be sufficiently self-absorbed to stay.

He said he didn't realise that it was this weekend but said nothing else to me.
A taxi is out of the question, he lives a couple of hundred miles away. DH said he's offered to go to a B&B but this hasn't been said to me. DH obviously hasn't taken him up on it. He also has a dog with him which complicates things.

Good luck on monday

I'm not going to add to comments relating to your H's lack of backbone.

Stay relaxed, stay away from rows and text h for room service.

Sauvignon you are inspirational, as someone who is still making jokes, and helping other people at a time when someone should be looking after YOU! Good luck for Monday, and please make sure your DH realises he has to take the load off you. Starting now!

It gets worse!!
He has 'Anger management issues' and has just lost his temper with his dog because it wouldn't come to him when he yelled at it.
He managed to frighten DD and our DDog who's a rescue dog and isn't fond of shouting.
It culminated in him locking his dog in his car, it's still sunny.

I send DH after him, I said he had to tell him that this was not acceptable at any time but especially not now.

He said BIL accepted that he wasn't thinking about me and will head off 'first thing in the morning', which is lunchtime for anyone else.

DH has made him go out with him to take both dogs for a walk so I'll venture back downstairs. For more

Your DH needs to drive him back now. No excuses.

I agree with chippednail. DH needs to drive him home or to a hotel. If he can't take his dog let him leave him at yours (if he's a 'good guest' kind of dog).

Either that or DH can drive YOU to the poshest, most expensive hotel in town for tonight AND expect to pay for room service.

Best of luck tomorrow.

sorry, if he can't drive himself back then your DH needs to. Whatever your BIL's health problems are, your DH's priority should be you, his wife, right now.

God he sounds awful!

Your brazen BIL aside, my very very best wishes for your op next week. Your DH better be providing absolutely faultless aftercare