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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get my sister a graduation card?

85 replies

sparklyskyy · 04/07/2014 16:36

Dsis is 24 and just graduated from uni. We were all (parents, Dsis, my DP and ds) supposed to be going out for dinner to celebrate the night of her graduation however she booked the table for 8.30 which was too late for us as my DS is 18 months and the uni and city is approx 2hrs away so would be too late to take DS all the way there for dinner at that time and back again. After a lot of to-ing and fro-ing we came to the mutual decision that we'd all go out for another meal when she comes back home to live shortly.

My dad called the other night to see if I'd got Dsis a graduation card and tbh it'd completely slipped my mind. I text her on the day to say good luck etc. I'm normally the type of person that buys people cards for everything and I'm usually pretty much on top of it but it never even crossed my mind. My dad was annoyed with me and pretty much demanded that I go and buy one.

This normally wouldn't be an issue but my sister never even bought her nephew a first birthday card or contacted us on the day about it. There was absolutely nothing said by her to us at all about his first birthday and still nothing to this day.

She is quite entitled and totally wrapped up in herself. Whenever she deigns to visit (lucky if it's once a year) we're expected to drop everything by her and our parents.

She's never had a job whereas I've worked in some capacity since I was 15, our parents paid for her to go through uni for the past 5 years (i paid for myself) and now she's going the length and breadth of the country this summer visiting festivals (bank of mum and dad).

Hmmm, this is turning out to be more than a issue about a card, isn't it? Grin

I just don't like to be made out to be the bad one when when she's no angel!

I should buy the card, shouldn't i??

OP posts:
trufflesnout · 04/07/2014 18:26

Agree wholeheartedly with AwfulDaughter, it's not your sister who will come off looking bad if you kick up a fuss over this...

Clutterbugsmum · 04/07/2014 18:52

I suspect this is not about the card or meal but about years od being treated differently by her parents.

Send a cheap card and leave it at that.

Pimpf · 04/07/2014 19:13

Well I wouldn't be buying her a card. Wtf is that all about. And as for your dad demanding that you get her one, I'd have laughed at him.

The longer. You keep treating her like a child, the longer she'll act like one

magpiegin · 04/07/2014 19:24

Why is your dad checking up on you if you have bought a card? It's hard for some people to understand the big deal of kids birthdays, especially aged 1 when they have limited understanding. I also don't think she should time her meal around your baby, could you get a sitter? I would definitely get a card.

Original poster
sparklyskyy · 04/07/2014 20:00

Well, it seems like a mixed bag of responses!

In relation to the graduation dinner, my dsis was trying to get me a spare ticket to her graduation and said the meal would be at 6.30. I booked the day off work to go and my DP and DS were going to meet us after the actual graduation and then we were all going to go for dinner. Normally my DS eats earlier than this but as a one off the later dinner and the long journey home was not a big deal considering it was a one off. Then 2 days before my sister said she couldn't get me a ticket and it was going to be a whole day affair with a drinks reception after the graduation that she wanted us to attend (fair enough) so the meal was being pushed back to 8.30. This is when I said it wasn't ideal for us to go due to the late meal which was originally for earlier. So we all agreed to go out for a meal when she got back home. I was not expecting my Dsis to organise her whole graduation day around me and my son.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/07/2014 20:06

"Why is your dad checking up on you if you have bought a card? "

Just that!

Was that the purpose of his call?

That would piss me off tbh.

And make me feel like not sending one even if I intended toBlush

You're going for a meal to celebrate at some point as it is!

womblesofwestminster · 04/07/2014 20:09

What was her degree classification?

kelper · 04/07/2014 20:15

Did she go to your graduation?…...

Original poster
sparklyskyy · 04/07/2014 20:15

2:1. I was annoyed that I found out through Facebook because she kept texting me about some people that were getting called in that were close so she was texting me about how worried she was because she hadn't got called in so that meant she'd either failed or got a 2:1. She was texting me constantly about it and I kept reassuring her it would be fine then I found out 2 days later when I went onto Facebook that she'd registered herself as getting a 2:1 at her uni. I text her that day congratulations, so happy for you,all your hard work paid off etc. Haven't had a response... Not even a thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklyskyy · 04/07/2014 20:17

No, she didn't go to mine but she was young at the time. There's a large age gap between us.

OP posts:
fluffymouse · 04/07/2014 20:21

Op I don't think a card is generally required in this situation. I never received any, but they weren't expected either, I was just happy for family to cone along to my graduation.

It seems that for some reason they are expected though by your family, and you have bought one keep the peace which is sensible.

Don't expect much from your sister and you won't be disappointed. My brother is rather similar. Never worked a day in his life, lives off bank of mum and dad. I got him a ticket to my graduation but he said the day prior he couldn't be bothered to come. That really burnt, especially as tickets were expensive, he told me he would come before I booked, and he declined so late I couldn't sell it on.

Original poster
sparklyskyy · 04/07/2014 20:30

I have been around friends who don't have a close relationship with a sibling and I could never understand it and now it's happening to me I'm finding it really hard to deal with. I have 2 older sisters (one different parent) and we are all so close with nothing like this at all between my younger sister and i. She has no other siblings and I feel bad that our relationship isn't like mine and my older sisters. Plus it makes it harder for me to understand because I haven't experienced a sibling relationship like that. My younger sister and I have a different dad so when I referred to my dad or our parents I meant my step dad. but I don't think that should make a difference as he's been my dad since I was very young.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklyskyy · 04/07/2014 20:34

When I say I find it hard I mean that I can't understand her selfishness and complete non interest in anyone else. My older sisters and I have always been so involved in each other's life that for my younger sister to be so wrapped up in her own life and not one bit interested in the fact I've had a baby is very alien to me.

Now it seems I've been drip feeding but I had no intention of doing that. I think now, writing it all down, has made me realise that there's a bigger issue here.

OP posts:
asmallandnoisymonkey · 04/07/2014 21:08

Laughing at the 'she can't be that lazy if she got her degree' comment. You have met students, yeah? And the fact that she's got a degree doesn't make her not lazy - aren't the pass marks these days are between 40 and 60%. I know for a fact some MSc pass marks are 40%.

womblesofwestminster · 04/07/2014 21:25

2:1, meh. Fuck it then.

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2014 21:30

Oh you are not bitter Grin get her a card dont go down the road of tit for tat, I have a very spoiled sister it really get s on your wick eh mine is 31 not 24 though sigh

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2014 21:32

Whats the age gap sparkly

hugoagogo · 04/07/2014 21:37

Thanks for that monkey

asmallandnoisymonkey · 04/07/2014 21:43

Would you like me to send you a congratulations card when you receive them?

Dolcelatte · 04/07/2014 21:45

YABU and bitter and jealous.

parakeet · 04/07/2014 21:55

I would get my sis a congratulations card for graduating but it would bug the hell out of me to have my dad nagging me to do it. Next time he starts something similar try: "Dad: I'm a grown-up. She's a grown-up. Please don't interfere in other grown-ups' relationships."

Any debate just smile and repeat "Please don't interfere" like a broken record.

As for her not sending your son a b/day card, I'm afraid childless people probably wouldn't see the point for a one-year-old. Hopefully she will get more interested in him as he gets older - as long as you don't spoil it by nagging her.

hugoagogo · 04/07/2014 21:56

Yes please Wink

asmallandnoisymonkey · 04/07/2014 22:01

Well, I shan't.

LayMeDown · 04/07/2014 22:01

Well I'd be pissed off if my Dad rang and told me to get a graduation card for my sister. So YANBU about that.
She has obviously being brought up differently do you but she was brought up in a different family by the sounds of things. She has a different mum and it sounds like she was effectively an only child with an older Dad. So she was indulged. You seem to resent that which I understand. But you have something more valuable in the close relationship with the sisters you grew up with. She didn't get that. I'd take what you have any day.
On the dinner. If I'm honest I think you should have gone and left DP with DS. She is your little sister and this is a big day. I would have rowed in with accommodating whatever she wanted.

MrsCosmopilite · 04/07/2014 22:07

Don't buy a card - claim you posted it the day after you spoke to your Dad and tut about things getting lost in the post?