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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her to take the stuff back?

99 replies

youbuggerz · 03/07/2014 16:06

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and I have just started to buy baby stuff. I am working to a budget, deciding to buy the big things first like the car seat etc and then Ill do the fun stuff like clothes when Im on maternity leave.

My DM has been out shopping today and bought a load of stuff for the baby- mostly cute clothes. She is now asking for money for them from me.

I have specifically told her I am looking to do the shopping later on in the pregnancy. She's a bit of a shopaholic and doesn't have much money as she only works part time so I warned her that I didn't want her to buy anything for the baby.

She's kicking up saying that I can't expect freebies from her- which I don't, i just want to do the shopping myself and choose what i want for my baby. Besides, its all neutral stuff and I know what flavour Im having, i just haven't told anyone yet so i do want to buy gender specific items.

AIBU to tell her to take it back?

OP posts:
Original poster
youbuggerz · 04/07/2014 09:42

My dad has seen this for years.

She even did it when I was student - producing clothes is like and saying 'well if you want it then you'll need to give me some money for it'.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/07/2014 10:46

Where does she get the money for all this if she only works part time and she and your father (it sounds as if) keep their finances separate ?

MrsMikeDelfino · 04/07/2014 11:44

You what?! That's ridiculous! OK, fair enough she bought you clothes. That's nice. To then turn round and say "you owe such and such an amount for them" and expect you to pay is outrageous when you never even asked her to buy the bloody things in the first place!
I'd be tempted to tell her to get knotted. Grin In reality though, I'd say something along the lines of "sorry, I haven't got the money to get them, and I want to do my shopping later."
If she kicks up a fuss, say "it was nice of you to buy them, but you bought them because you wanted to, so surely they should be a present from you?"
YOU never asked for them so shouldn't be expected to cough for them. Cheeky mare!!

Thenapoleonofcrime · 04/07/2014 11:48

So, now she needs to learn that you don't buy stuff for people unless they ask you to- better learn now otherwise she will be buying you tonnes of stuff you don't want all your children's lives and you will be paying for it!

Now is the time to put your foot down.

Stratter5 · 04/07/2014 12:04

You can't take them back, unless she's paid cash. They will need the card holder present. Just point that out, give her the stuff back (or your Dad, he's just as bad if he's not dealing with it), and firmly tell her you can't afford it.

She sounds awful, ever considered NC?

Joysmum · 04/07/2014 12:11

Tell her to take it back and to stick to only buying gifts otherwise she takes away the pleasure of you shopping gif your own baby.

Kaekae · 04/07/2014 12:57

I don't think you sound high maintenance at all. I think what your mother did was wrong. My mother was the same although she wouldn't ask for the money but she would rush out and buy all of the things I was looking forward to going out with my husband to buy. The exciting part is to go out and buy little things for your child and my mum just couldn't understand this or the fact we had a very very different taste - obviously we were lucky because we could afford to buy what we wanted but she would still do it even when we asked her not to. Tell her to take it back!

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 04/07/2014 13:05

It sounds as though she's a shopping addict and is trying to get you to subsidise her habit.

I think you have to stand firm (this won't be the last time she does this, will it?). Don't shop for me unless specifically asked to do so, no I won't pay you for things I don't want.

Ignore the accusations and emotional blackmail. This is your mother's problem entirely.

Your father sounds sensible, which is great.

Worriedkat · 04/07/2014 13:24

Sounds like she's in denial about being in the grip of a shopping addiction. Does she overspend uncontrollably on things other than big life events?

Original poster
youbuggerz · 04/07/2014 14:40

I don't really know about their finances. They aren't badly off as they own their own large home and go on holidays a lot. I do think my dad probably gives her a set allowance for spending like he did when she was a SAHM in the 80s, but I am speculating. He's frugal in a way that he's never wasted money and as such as been able to give us all house deposits.

I imagine he will wait and have a go at her when i have gone home.

No, she doesn't really overspend on other things.

OP posts:
wobblyweebles · 04/07/2014 20:05

Perhaps you should buy her a few things and ask her for the money then look shocked when she doesn't want them...?

Didactylos · 04/07/2014 22:23

thats a brilliant idea Wollyweebles
the more unsuitable and bizarre the items the better....

Joysmum · 04/07/2014 22:39

Perhaps you should buy her a few things and ask her for the money then look shocked when she doesn't want them...?

Wish I'd thought of that Grin

Original poster
youbuggerz · 04/07/2014 23:37

Good plan!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/07/2014 09:49

This is likely going to sound OTT but when someone has a shopping addiction and they have a constrained income, things can 'bulge'. It's a small step from persuading themselves that you need the things they're buying to (if you give them back to her and refuse to pay) deciding to take out ccs or store cards in your name. (Because it's for you and not for her if you see what I mean.)

Once you've drawn the line in the sand on the current goods, I'd keep a gentle eye on your credit file - Experian give a free trial and Noddle have free lifetime membership. No need for a big rumpus about it and it's something that everyone should be doing anyway as a matter of course.

HermioneWeasley · 06/07/2014 09:53

She sounds mental but at least your dad sees it for what it is

Balaboosta · 06/07/2014 10:15

You can't accept the clothes she's bought because you can't afford them. So that's simple to explain. But why don't you suggest to her that the two of you go shopping together. Make it a nice excursion with time for coffee and cake?

cozietoesie · 06/07/2014 11:01

That could be difficult, Balaboosta. The OP is on a tight budget and it's quite hard to resist someone when they're in front of you - especially if they're the slowest (cc/purse) draw in the West.

victrixludorem · 06/07/2014 11:07

Poor you OP. This sounds stressful. As you must know by now, YANBU but your DM is being so U that the conclusion must be that she has (hopefully mild) MH issues. Can you have a private chat with your Dad some time soon, as he seems to have some insight? Maybe some CBT for your mother might be possible. Does she have other OCD traits?

In the meantime, be firm and stand your ground. Keep the things in their bag ready for your DM to pick them up for refunds. Don't use them. If you let this one slide then it will only get worse.

I hope the PG is going well Thanks

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/07/2014 12:48

I agree with everyone else that YANBU. This is way more overbearing than the normal excited grandparents. If I saw something that was a bargain/sounded like someone I knew was after I might send them a link to it, maybe mms them a photo and would possibly offer to buy it. In some circumstances I might buy it in the hope it was right but be prepared to return it if it wasn't (although in reality, I think I've only ever done this for DH). What she did was about her desire to shop, rather than trying to help you out. Otherwise she'd have asked if/what you wanted and what your budget was.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 06/07/2014 15:06

Sorry o.p but I'D disagree with your mum. You never asked her for these things, so where is she getting " You can't expect freebies from.
Tell her to take them back. X

diddl · 06/07/2014 15:17

Gosh that's an absolute cheek.

Indulging your love of shopping at someone elses expense!

Holdthepage · 06/07/2014 18:11

Tell her in no uncertain terms to take the stuff back. The thing is you really need to nip this in the bud now before the baby arrives otherwise she will be out of control.

RedRoom · 06/07/2014 19:35

God, you are so not BU! She can't go buying things without asking you and then charge you for them! If she wants to buy them as a gift, fine, but this is just silly!

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