To think you should only resign

[Verycold]

...when you have a new job to go to?

Dh is having a really tough time at work and wants to give up, but as he is the main breadwinner I want him to wait until he has a new job. He feels that I'm totally unsupportive, am I?

He needs to show he's actually serious about finding another job by applying for some before he quits. If he's really that unhappy he should be proactively doing something about it, not whinging that he hates his job and talking about quitting. FFS, OP's DH, act like an adult!

I think it is difficult, because you obviously made decisions which have impacted your earning potential in order to support your DH's career, and now he wants to put that in jeopardy. I do think you could consider other ways to up your income- could you take on a second job in the evening for example as a temporary measure? Even considering the options does show willing, and it might enable him to take a pay cut.

However, I don't think you should agree your DH has any more right to being happy than you or his child. He also needs to show willing- he ought to be applying for jobs already if he hates his current one that much!

I do think the job market is pretty tough right now. I'm graduating this year, so know a lot of people who are looking for jobs. Obviously recent graduates aren't quite the same, but while I know some people who have walked into amazing jobs, others are struggling and I also know people who have graduated a few years ago who have struggled to find well paid/full time roles. I don't think your DH should assume he will be able to walk into another job without even sending off some CVs to test the waters.

Also, him making himself "deliberately unemployed" can make it hard to access benefits which might help make up for his lost wage.

Could you agree a plan of action which could help him find a way to leave his job without causing too much financial insecurity? For example
he could spend 3 months applying for other roles while still in work. Then, if this doesn't work, you could also join him looking for more full time work, or a second job. He could also try and find another way to up his income. During this time you could build up some savings, and maybe he could leave his job once he has 6 months salary saved up to give him time to find a new one?

Being the main breadwinner is stressful especially if you have a job you don't enjoy. However, he can't realistically walk out of the job without looking for something else first unless your income can cover all the day to day expenses.

DH did walk out of a job after he was physically assaulted by a member of the public (causing PTSD) and management didn't back him up but the key difference was I am the main earner and my income is enough to support us. DH has since set up his own business and is much happier.

It may be the right thing for your DH to leave this job but he needs to prepare the ground first as the security of the whole family largely depends on him still having a reasonable income. There is no point in escaping the stress of the job and replacing it with the stress of struggling day to day to make ends meet. Not being able to cover the rent/mortgage is likely to be as stressful as his job.

If you can 'manage' Id say resign. I stayed in a job I hated. I ended up devoid of any confidence very unhappy and it nearly cost me my marriage.

Liberate him.

I think you sit down together and come up with a plan looking at options for both of you. You can be really helpful in supporting him with the job hunting but also look around for something flexible or self employed.

Quite close to my heart this thread as DH has just been given notice of redundancy from the end of the year. Even though he has a long time he has gone a bit rabbit in the headlights. I am a bit screwed on the work front, was buying a business but found the planning permission was in place so had to pull out.

Whilst continuing looking for me, I'm finding that helping DH get started on the job hunt is improving things and he looks a bit better than earlier.

I've just resigned from a nightmare job where I have battled for the last 3 1/2 years. Senior role, reporting directly to a CEO who was never "off" and thus never stopped sending e-mails, txt, phone calls at all hours on top of long hours in the office managing my team of 10 and my own workload. I'd get home typically at 7.30pm, eat and then start looking at the emails or doing work on my laptop. All discussions with the CEO about more staff to address the work loads or improving systems were to no avail - more work came my way as the company continued to grow.

I began to find myself awake at 3am thinking about the "to-do" list.

Working week began Sunday tea time as I addressed the emails that had built up due to switching off on Sat.

I was exhausted DH and kids were never seeing the real me.
I was knew I was no way ready or able to go from that post straight into a new role.

I decided at Christmas it had to stop or I would become unwell and be no good to myself or anyone else. My plan was resign in June, take the summer off and then seek a temp contract from Sept at a less senior position until I can regroup.

I cleared all debt except mortgage during the last 8 months and my only bills are utilities and food. I got rid of my monthly phone bill, credit cards and credit union loan and agreed with DH it would be a staycation this year. We saved hard and had the cash in hand for new uniforms books etc for school and a 6 months buffer in case I don't get work easily.

That feeling of taking control and having a plan was the best thing I could have done and help me to grit my teeth and leave on my own terms rather than having the melt down which I could feel brewing!

I left on very amicable terms with good references.

The exposure I got from working at that level will serve me well in future but I have learnt a lot from this experience including that only your family really care about you and your health takes priority over the CV building

HTH - its not easy for anyone in this position and I feel for your DH

Good for you ammammi living intentionally is about being in control and not allowing the 'must have it all' mentality.

see the minimalists.com - read why I quite my six figure salary- I have found this blog very enlightening.

I think there are a lot of people looking for ways to live differently.

What a difficult situation OP! DH felt this way about his job back in 2011, whilst I was on SMP and waiting to give birth to DD (so not able to add more income to the pot myself).

He didn't resign as he himself felt that it would be easier to get a job whilst in a job - but he did start applying for anything that came up with a similar level of pay and which he was qualified/experienced enough to do (which wasn't much, but at least he applied). After sticking the job out for another 6 months and consistently making it down to the last two at interviews but being beaten to jobs by someone more experienced/qualified/better looking etc., he was offered redundancy. In normal circumstances, we would have been terrified of redundancy (and would again now!) but at the time it seemed like the solution to the problem - the payout was generous as DH had been with the firm for 10 years and enabled us to have a safety cushion of a full year's salary in the bank.

DH found another job after 8 months out of work and now works 2 minutes away from home (previously had a commute of 90 minutes each way) and is in a job that he finds much more interesting than his last one. He earns slightly less but saves quite a bit on commuting costs so overall we are no worse off.

Is voluntary redundancy a possibility for your DH? It looks more understandable as a reason for leaving on an application form than walking out, and he would have some money to fall back on whilst he looks for something else.

Another thing I have done personally is cope with a job by telling myself it isn't forever. Chances are if he starts applying for enough jobs, he could be out of there within 6 months. If he sees it in terms of "just 6 more months then I'm gone" would that help? Like a countdown to something better.

I totally get that happiness is important, but am also aware that being unable to pay the mortgage/rent and feed your DCs is incredibly stressful in itself. There seems little point in replacing one source of extreme stress with another.

I think Amammis post has a lot of good ideas for you. I agree he needs to start job hunting before he resigns. Could you support him by using any spare time during the day (do you have any?!) to look over his CV, search for suitable vacancies?

I seem to recommend this book on every thread at the moment: How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It might get through to him in a way that you cant. At least it did for my DH!

I was in a hideous situation 2 years ago with a ghastly boss. And then I had to take 6 weeks sick leave (2 days off in previous 5 years) as I had a hip replacement. Having worked ridiculously hard, I decided to work to rule and put a lot of effort into finding a new job. It took 6 months, and I took great delight in resigning and telling me boss exactly what I thought of him. There was a lot more to this, and it was heading towards the Tribunal. It was tough, but financially it made sense.

Compare this with my DH who had a one year contract. He was asked to extend, but didn't want to...he then spent 4 months looking for a job, and getting increasingly stressed about money. Fortunately something turned up - although it means living away during the week. I think if he'd been looking while in the job, he wouldn't have felt compelled to take this offer.

I am with you OP. You can be supportive and sympathetic while encouraging him to look for something else.

You won't be able to get tax credits for a year. And if he think getting a job won't be that difficult...why doesn't he just get one first? Maybe both of you start looking and whoever gets something better that can provide finnacially take it?

He won't immediately get JSA since he will have left his employment voluntarily and so he needs to think very carefully about it.

I would suggest he needs to put all of his effort into finding a new job quickly so that he can leave his current role.

Can't you both look for jobs? You could look for a full time position and he could look for something else and if you were able to get a job first then he could resign but of course still keep looking? That might relieve some if the pressure if you could take some responsibility too. It's a very bad place to be mentally when unhappiness at work is bringing you down, maybe better this way then he ending up very poorly.

It is always easier to find a job when you are employed.

Any other idea is just ridiculous. Looking for a job takes discipline. Much easier to find on someone else's dime/internet. If he resigns whose to say he won't fall in to depression?

IMO he's trying to take the easy way out. Except it often doesn't turn out as easy as expected...

I did it last year as I had savings. Was extremely unhappy in the role,it has a v bad reputation in my industry. I lasted two months before resigning. I haven't worked since,it's now 9 months. Please learn from me!

Be really really supportive in helping him find a new job and in applying for jobs yourself. Look online, comb the jobs pages, consider anything you could live on, even if it means some sacrifices. But YANBU to discourage him strongly from resigning. Almost any job is better than being skint and unemployed, with all the knock-ons to family life. Hopefully he will then realise you are being serious about it and not just telling him to put up with a job he hates.

Yabu OP - I would live on beans to make my DH happy.

Could you go up to full time and he drop to part time or nothong to care for ds?

I would live on beans to make my DH happy.

That doesn't mean it's a good idea just to resign with no idea of a plan or anything, because it might mean you can't even afford the beans.

knackered how long do you think you'd both be happy living on beans?

I resigned feeling certain that i'd walk into a new job. Worst mistake I've ever made. Really. Start saving up rainy day funds NOW.

It's all very well saying you would live on beans to make your DH happy.

For most households losing their main source of income would mean mot being able to pay rent/mortgage, council tax, fuel bills or run and maintain their car etc. etc.

Having to eat beans would be least of your worries.

Not not mot!

Exactly. And I could happily make do for three or six months or longer - but what's killing me is the uncertain future.