Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think you should only resign

99 replies

Verycold · 02/07/2014 22:47

...when you have a new job to go to?

Dh is having a really tough time at work and wants to give up, but as he is the main breadwinner I want him to wait until he has a new job. He feels that I'm totally unsupportive, am I?

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 02/07/2014 23:36

I agree with you op. I struggle to imagine a situation where I wouldn't expect an adult with responsibilities to stuck it up for however long it took to find a better job rather than leave the family insolvent.

If your dh is feeling like you don't value his happiness could you show that you do by supporting his job search (eg watching the kids while he sorts his cv)?

Original poster

Verycold · 02/07/2014 23:36

I think he gets dry mouth panic at the thiught of continuing, I get the same at the thought of him resigning... Stalemate

OP posts:

MBT1987 · 02/07/2014 23:47

Support him by helping him out with his mental well-being. Get him to the doctor.

If he breaks down and can't physically go to work due to stress etc, you'll be in more or less exactly the same situation as him leaving. I'm sure that "You have to stay there or else bad things happen money-wise" isn't helping either - it might be true, but it's probably wrecking him.

wurlycurly · 02/07/2014 23:50

My DH quit a couple of years back and promised he'd sail into another job really quickly. He didn't and it ate into our savings leaving us with nothing by the time he finally found work after six months. I was able to increase my hours at my work but that didn't even cover the rent. I think he failed to see that he was five years older and five years more expensive than the last time he looked for work. I still haven't forgiven him for the stress he caused... Can you tell ;) I think he had to do it for his sanity. If it is for sanity's sake then maybe it needs to be done. Otherwise hang tight while looking for work.

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 02/07/2014 23:55

what does he do? What is the job market in his area like at the moment?

i feel that way about my job but unfortunately i have no other options at the moment. i go through waves though and i have to take a step back and remind myself of the positive parts of the role as sometimes the negative thoughts just breed more negativity. I know it's trite but he has to think positively.

HermioneWeasley · 02/07/2014 23:57

What has he done to find another job?

steff13 · 03/07/2014 00:03

Yes I think he wants me to say his hapiness is more important than anything else

But his happiness is NOT more important than keeping a roof over your children's heads and food on the table.

You can be supportive without agreeing he should just quit; you can help him polish his resume, search for jobs, etc. Maybe he could work for the next 6 months or so, save like crazy, and quit then if he hasn't found anything else.

Mouthfulofquiz · 03/07/2014 03:10

You should never quit a job until the next one is ready to go. If you have dependants then you just have to suck it up unless something serious is going on.

Chottie · 03/07/2014 03:43

I would also stay in a job until I'd found another one. Times are tough and there are lots of applicants for jobs.

Can you sit down together and work out an action plan? Having a clear exit plan could help DP in managing the day to day stress of his current job. Could you look for part time work too? This would also take some of the strain off DP. I realise it might not be in the field you have trained in, but you have to be flexible if you want to work.

HicDraconis · 03/07/2014 04:17

You can show your support for him without agreeing that he quit his job.

Go through your finances together - how much do you have in savings, what's your likely income / expenditure while he's job hunting, is there anywhere you can trim short term (e.g. going to interest only mortgage or taking a 6 month mortgage holiday).

Look at what is causing stress with his current job and see if you can work out a way of minimising it or managing it. Is there an option to reduce his hours and reduce his stress levels that way without quitting completely?Could he work from home one day a week to lose the hassle of a commute?

Definitely be proactive with his job hunting to try and get something lined up so he knows he has something to leave to - often just knowing that it's not going to last forever and there is an exit plan in place can relieve some of the stress.

Can you set a time limit on it? Say 6 months, where you will save every penny you can and if he hasn't found a new job to go to, have a savings level that will allow him to quit anyway?

Finally - while you say you've been a SAHM too long and there are few jobs in your field... is there an option for you to return to work even part time? That might allow him to reduce his hours or look for a lower paid but less stress job.

In the main I agree that you shouldn't leave one job without having another one to go to but I know the soul destroying despair of working in a place you hate, knowing you have no choice because 2 small children and your husband depend on you staying there for a roof over everyone's heads and food on the table. In my case, knowing my dh appreciated how much I hated working there and him making my home life as easy and stress free as possible went a long way towards saving my sanity.

Original poster

Verycold · 03/07/2014 06:15

Can't sleep...
He hasn't applied for any jobs yet, I think he should do that first to test the response

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 03/07/2014 06:31

Maybe you could both start applying for stuff - doesnt have to be in your field OP - and if you are able to find work then he can resign, and of he finds work he can res8gn?

TheNumberfaker · 03/07/2014 06:45

What BuildYourOwnSnowman said.

You need to help him get to the bottom if why he's so unhappy. Is it colleagues/ commuting/ workload/ hating the actual job itself?

Fairylea · 03/07/2014 06:50

He hasn't applied for any jobs yet?! That would make my blood boil. If he's that unhappy surely the first thing to do is apply for everything and anything, even lower paid jobs out of his normal field so he can just leave this job.

Could you both consider applying for part time work maybe so childcare is covered between you both? I believe one of you has to work 25 hours to claim working tax credits (if salary equates to being entitled to them) but might be worth considering.

Jobs are so hard to come by at the moment I think he'd be mad to resign without something else unless his mental health was in serious jeopardy.

Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 06:50

I've been there. It's horrible.

He needs a plan, you both do. I think I would:

speak to GP and if necessary go off sick, after checking sick pay arrangements. If he's anxious enough to want to walk out with no job to go to then that's BIG anxiety and maybe a break would allow him to clear his head

treat finding a new job AS his job and spend 9-5 of his sick leave applying

write down exactly what's getting to him. Is it the role? Is it his boss? What would need to change in irder for it to be tolerable? Would he cope better if flexi/reduced hours?

you do the same. Saying that you've been out of the workforce too long to get back in it isn't fair. What about self employment? A franchise?

Fairylea · 03/07/2014 06:59

I also agree with Tigerbike. No doubt you will get someone come along in a minute saying going on sick leave is a terrible idea and all employers check sick history etc but I have worked in HR for fairly senior companies and I can tell you categorically many companies do not check and those that do usually turn a blind eye to sick leave taken at the end of a previous job for the right candidate. Personally I would never reveal I was on sick leave or had taken sick leave when asked in an interview either. I have taken sick leave several times in my career for various (physical) health reasons and have never revealed it. It has never come up and I have always been successful in interviews and had several senior positions.

Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 07:04

Yes. And anyway anxiety IS sickness. It's not piss taking!

MrsGeorgeMichael · 03/07/2014 07:08

Why has he not been applying for other jobs?

AntsMarching · 03/07/2014 07:10

My DH did this twice. The first time he had a new job within a month at much better pay. The second time, it took four months and was not such a great job. The third time he wanted to do it, I told him I'd leave him if he didn't get a new job first. And I meant it. He put terrible stress on me and it ate into our savings.

When you have responsibilities, you have to manage them and that means working to pay your rent, put food on the table, etc. People who are made redundant didn't have a choice in the matter, but making yourself deliberately jobless? No, not unless he's on the point of a complete breakdown.

PowderMum · 03/07/2014 07:13

My advice would also be to stick it out, but to really commit to looking for a new job.
I quit my job last summer, I'd really had enough, but I also had health issues and needed a 3 month break. Which I stretched to 6 months.
When I started looking for a new job it wasn't as easy as I had thought it might be. I'm senior managerial but wanted to change industries after 3 months of knock backs and starting 1 job I learnt that I like my industry so I went back to applying for jobs within it. Still took another month and 2 CV rewrites to secure a position. I took a job below my previous level so less pay, but hopefully less stress, the reality is less stress but not from the role itself but from the attitude of the senior management and my colleagues. Basically I found a nice place to work.

What I am trying to say is support your DH to change jobs but do what you can to keep him in employment for as long as possible as it could be a long gap.

NB I never mentioned my sick leave/main reason for break at interview either I just talked about taking a career break to travel and spend time with my extended family.

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2014 07:13

Companies always ask how many days off sick you've had and for further details; I wouldn't recommend this if he's going to be looking for a new role.

EarthWindFire · 03/07/2014 07:18

Saying that you've been out of the workforce too long to get back in it isn't fair. What about self employment? A franchise?

I agree with this. You also need to start looking for yourself, even if part time.

Tinkleybison · 03/07/2014 07:29

Ive been in your DHs situation and will be forever grateful to my lovely DH for saying 'just leave'. Dont underestimate how awful work stress can be. I think it would have affected our relationship over a period of time if he had continued to say I had no choice. As it happened I got another job within a fortnight, if you are going to job hunt very proactively, rather than just do applications its actually easier to do when you dont work.

Hoppinggreen · 03/07/2014 07:32

What will he say at interview for the new jobs if he resigns?
He could look like a bit of a burnout and employers will wonder if he can cope

caeleth84 · 03/07/2014 07:51

YANBU. He certainly should be looking for new jobs, and if he hasn't even started applying yet it doesn't look very promising.

If it's possible for him to get sick leave then by all means, by he really shouldn't be resigning with no idea of whether there's anything else out there. That's way too risky!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread