To think you should only resign

[Verycold]

...when you have a new job to go to?

Dh is having a really tough time at work and wants to give up, but as he is the main breadwinner I want him to wait until he has a new job. He feels that I'm totally unsupportive, am I?

My dh got really stressed in his last job, long hours and little control in his work life. He also had a new manager who disliked him and picked up every tiny mistake.

Dh should have left for his mental health but didnt. He was dismissed from his job(we ended up at tribunal ).
I increased my hours at work and then worked full time, dh was offered a part-time job within a month. I am not sure how as he was not in a good place. We managed.

2 years down the line dh new employers are thrilled with him, he now works for them full time and we have a much better family life.

Oh and dh old employers finally worked out how bad that manager was and he no longer works for the company. I know I shouldnt be pleased about that but he was so horrible to dh and caused our dc so much stress as a result that I am very pleased.

yanbu
imo you both shoukd be looking for jobs.

do you have any savings that would tide you over for a few months?

We do have savings but what do we do when they're gone?

I do work part time but can't get more hours and ds has special needs.

Basically you just want everyone to agree with you?

Tigerbike no but I am putting my thoughts and concerns across

YANBU as he hasn't even been applying for jobs and doesn't seem to have a diagnosis of a stress related illness such as clinical depression.

What is it about these men that cannot stick a job? I once stuck the most stressful, uncomfortable peasant job for eighteen moths until i got another, and there are coping mechanisms, and it toughens you up. Yet of lat i seem to hear of nothing but friends' DHs and boyfriends giving up their jobs because they don't like them, are boring, etc!

My ex did it. Gave up a very good job which wasn't especially stressful except that he found working for a living stressful and seemed to think he was too good for it. Six years later he still lives off his parents at nearly forty. I would say it was less about genuine stress and more to do was th a lack of motivation and a desire to live in his own little world.

Regarding the difficult time at work, are his employers placing unfair demands on him? Is he a member of a union and is it something they could advise him about? It might be worth taking this tack to begin with to see if the problems in the present job can be resolved.

The fact that he hasn't even tried to look for another job is .

Is it possible he doesn't actually want to work and wants to become the primary carer whilst you take over being the main wage earner?

TBH I would be fairly unhappy if DH quit his job without looking for another job first and we pretty much earn the same full time (although I only work 4 days at the moment but could increase if need be).

Looking after the family has to come first unless it is affecting his mental health. If he is that unhappy I don't understand why he has not been applying for jobs. Alternatively if he is set on quitting then could he speak to an agency and see what temp work there is, that may give him an idea if he can pick up any work if he did quit.

YADNBU!

YANBU especially if he hasn't even bothered looking for a new job yet.
I hated my last job (6 years ago), spent time looking for a new job couldn't find one. One day I cam home from work after a constant day of bullying form the boss and broke down in floods of tears. My DH said it's not worth it (I was main breadwinner) and told me to resign with nothing to go to. BUT he earned enough to cover the essential bills, we had some savings and we didn't have children back then. It worked out really well I was on 3 months notice and found a job within those 3 months, so there was no break. However if I was in that situation today I wouldn't do it, the job market is tough and the desire to keep a roof over my child's head and parental responsibility would make me get through each day.

He would be very foolish to give up his job without anything else to go to. Can you not develop your job prospects, (training, extra qualifications, work experience,) so that you could become the breadwinner if his job really is affecting his health? I had very bad periods in my job and had to hang on as I was an only parent; I also thought no-one else would give me a job if I tried to move. I survived and made it to retirement age; giving up, and in, wasn't an option.
A colleague in the same field gave up a very well-paid but stressful job to follow his dream, without sufficient preparation; he ended up still in considerable stress in menial work following a break-down; he and his family are living in poverty with no clear way out.
Support your husband to stay in there if you possibly can, but do rather more to find work yourself in case he does quit.

he isn't a teacher because the deadline to resign is half term.

I think it depends on how notice period op. More than 3 months makes it very hard to get another job

On basis of what OP has said - her DH is finding work "tough" at the moment and wants her to say his "happiness" comes first - then I think her DH is BU to think about leaving a job with nothing to go to. Work IS "tough" whether you're a teacher, a doctor, a call centre person with high targets etc but that's why we get paid to be there. If he thinks he's unhappy now, he'll think this was a sunshine era when worrying constantly about keeping the family solvent.

The OP has not pointed to any mental health issues at all. In this case then OP YANBU.

However, I agree, it sounds as if the OP is happy to maintain the status quo of her working p/t and DH being main breadwinner - if he's struggling to do that why not sit down and work out realistic ways that you can increase and he can decrease? I was a SAHM briefly then worked p/t for about 5 years. I'm now f/t and the main breadwinner. My husband doesn't handle stress well but it has been a weight off his shoulders to know if he walked out of his job tomorrow, my wage could cover the bills. Funnily enough since he has had that option, he has been dealing with work stress much better. Sometimes it's feeling like there is no escape route that can be an issue - try to work out ways between you to improve his situation.

He really needs to be applying, now, for anything! I have left an ostensibly "dream" job due to a nightmare boss, but I left it to go to a basic, temp data entry post whilst I got my head together enough to apply for roles in my field again.

Only thing I would add is that I'm not sure it IS easier to get a new professional job whilst you are still employed in a professional job. I encountered an awful lot of "But you HAVE a good job already. Why are you applying for this when you're lucky enough to have a good job already?" from interviewers. Hard to get around that without saying "Because my current boss is a twat." But if he is working in a job not related to his field - much easier to answer that question.

YANBU it will be madness to leave his job when he hasnt even test the water, he hasn't even applied for one job! With a SAHP this is very risky.
He will not even be able to apply for JA.

You both seem to assume things. Him that he will find another job and you that you can not find one.
But none of you has tried.

I'd grant my DH to realise for himself that he's the breadwinner and the impact it'd have for him to leave if he didn't have another job to go on pretty quickly.

It'd say a lot if he wanted to leave without having another job to go to knowing all of this and to my mind, a huge indication he needed to get out ASAP!

I feel so sorry for those on here who don't think their husbands have the intelligence to think through the impact of leaving their job without another to go to, I feel even more sorry for those with husbands who know and don't care.

It is an awful situation to be in (was there myself last year) OP.

The only thing you can do is talk about it.

Look at the here and now and the future.

Yes he is stressed and unhappy in his job but you have no desperate financial concerns. However if he leaves this job he will be free of work stress but he will then have financial stress which can be much worse and last a lot longer. Burying his head in the sand will not change his situation.

He needs to start actively looking for a new job. My attitude improved and my stress levels dropped quite a bit when I started looking for something else. I started to let my job affect me less as I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. I became much more motivated and driven to getting myself out of the shit hole I worked in.
I also realised after updating my CV that I had quite a lot of desirable skills (I felt shit and a rubbish employee) and this boosted my confidence.

If he is unhappy then he needs to change it but the change needs to be a positive one and an improvement on his current situation. I am not sure resigning without another job and no income would be an improvement.

I am 6 months in to my dream job and last year is a distant memory.

I hope he finds something soon.

Maybe sit him down and work out a budget. What savings do you have? What hobbies/luxuries would have to be cut out? How long would you be ok before the money runs out.

I know someone who has a very expensive hobby. He wanted to quit and concentrate on his (non earning) hobby because he hates working. His wife sat him down with a budget which showed hat on one salary the hobby would have to be canned vhe quickly changed his mind and now puts up with the daily slog because it pays for his fun (never mind his kids!!!)

Sometimes it is useful to pull back to the bare bones vhe is working to pay the bills. Look at the budget and work out what you can both do to earn some money. Or work out I you want to totally reevaluate how you live b

You are a team... if he quits work, you either

1. take on the role of breadwinner whilst he takes on the carer role, or
2. you share both roles, or
3. he goes all out to find another "breadwinner" job..

Each option can and perhaps SHOULD have equal weight - you are only thinking about option 3.

(I have been in this situation reversed.... my DH said "I love you, I hate to see you this sad, quit". I quit - BUT searched for work whilst working notice, took on a job I was well-overqualified-for on a part time basis - just to keep the money trickling in (and the self esteem high) whilst applying for other work - which I got within 4 months.)

He will have a notice period?

For me it is 3 months and thats not too uncommon.

So when would a realistic start date be for a new job?

What is his work sick policy like?

Could he go sick with stress - it sounds that bad? and still get full pay

Companies always ask how many days off sick you've had and for further details; I wouldn't recommend this if he's going to be looking for a new role.

Lie - most employers now give a basic disclosure reference

Job Title

Start Date

Finish date

You got get sacked for theft and most would not disclose it!

they certainly would not disclose sick time

In saying all that - he should suck it up...

Find another job and then leave -

or you work ft he become the SAHP- maybe work part time stacking shelves