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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DD's friend to pay her way?

72 replies

CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 16:52

Had a bit of an argument with DD this morning. I've recently moved house and DD(20) is coming to live with me. To help her settle in I've told her to invite her friend to stay the weekend as I'll have to lock myself away and work quite a bit.

As it's the first weekend I wanted to take DD out for a meal. WIBU to ask the friend to pay for her own meal? WIABU to ask the friend to maybe prepare a meal one night and maybe help with the odd chore (dog walking, dishes, tidying up)? DD says yes but the if the friend was going out with DD by herself she'd pay. Funds are a bit tight, that's all. Should I just ask the friend if she's ok with it first?

OP posts:
LastTango · 02/07/2014 16:54

You're asking your DD's friend to stay to help out your DD.............and you want the friend to PAY for the privilege?

Yes.........YABVVVVVVVVU.

No...........do not even MENTION it to the friend.

I'm surprised your daughter didn't tell you to 'do one' !!

sweetheart · 02/07/2014 16:55

I think being that you brought it up and made the invitation it would be a bit off to ask her to do chores etc whilst she stayed. You invited her so she's a guest.

If it had been the other way around and your dd had asked "can my friend come and stay" I think it would have been ok to say yes but only if she does x, y and z whilst she's here.

QuietNinjaTardis · 02/07/2014 16:56

If she's only staying for the weekend then yes yabu. Can't you take your dd out for a meal after the friends gone home. If I had a guest for the weekend I wouldn't expect them to cook or do chores. Now your dd on the other hand, only fair she should muck in but she's living with you.

squoosh · 02/07/2014 16:56

If I was the friend I'd rather stay at home than go to someone else's house to pay for my own meals and help them with their household chores!

MaryShelley · 02/07/2014 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shesparkles · 02/07/2014 16:56

If funds are a bit tight, then don't go out! Have a take away instead and pay for your daughter's friend's.

You ARE kidding about the chores?

MyDogEatsBalloons · 02/07/2014 16:57

I think it sounds a bit tight, to be honest, and really awkward for your daughter. After inviting her friend to stay, she has to then tell her she has to pay for herself, or prepare a meal? And how does dog walking or tidying up save you any money anyway?

LadySybilLikesCake · 02/07/2014 16:57

You don't invite someone to your house and expect them to pay for themselves. She should offer to cook though, but asking her to do chores and pay for her own meal is taking the piss (sorry). She could stay at home and wouldn't have to do all this or buy herself extra food when she probably already has some, but she'll be doing you a favour by keeping your daughter company whilst you're busy. 'Don't bite the hand that feeds you' and all of that Wink

Whyjustwhyagain · 02/07/2014 16:58

I think it would be ok to ask your DD to do a few chores such as walk the dog, or empty the dishwasher, and hopefully her friend would pitch in and help.
But absolutely no to expecting her to pay for a meal if you go out

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 16:59

I'm a bit unused to living alone and the thought of someone just helping out a bit would be a godsend. Only thought of it because I know she likes dogs and cooking and things. Think she earns about the same as me come to that.

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 02/07/2014 17:00

Blimey if someone invited me to stay and then handed out chores I would be really pissed off! How ungracious of you! If money is tight then stay in and cook a meal or get a take away.

Opinionatedbugger · 02/07/2014 17:01

Yabvu she's a guest so she's not expected to help out and it's only for a weekend. Also when you invite someone out for a meal you pay for it that's courtesy.

CuppaSarah · 02/07/2014 17:01

I think asking her to pay for her meal and asking the girls to sort their own dinner on the other night is fine, as long as you let her know when inviting her. As for chores, that really depends on your relationship with the friend. If you know her quite well and casually tell the girls they'd better clean up after themselves that would be fine. But if you don't know her, just let your DD sort chores and she'll probably just follow along with her.

Yanbu, you've made yourself clear to your DD so let her handle it from here. Iwbu of the friend to stay and not offer to pitch in a bit imo.

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 17:01

DD is disabled so some chores she struggles with.

Yes,when you all put it like that I am a bit of an idiot :(

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 02/07/2014 17:02

Plus your dd is old enough to make a meal/tidy up/ walk dog. How much could there possibly be to do that you need to draft in guests to help!

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 02/07/2014 17:02

Sorry x post

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 17:03

I know the girl fairly well, she generally pitches in a bit. I guess I should just rely on politeness and not enforce.

OP posts:
Canus · 02/07/2014 17:04

Wow, your daughter will soon find herself very short of friends if you treat them as the unpaid hired help for the duration of their visits.

Elderflowergranita · 02/07/2014 17:04

Sounds really tight of you. As others have said, skip the meal out rather than asking dd's friend to pay.

As for the chores, yes I think yabvu to ASK. If she offers, well and good. Surely a bit of helping to wash up or whatever would suffice.

Is your dd moving back in with you having lived away? You sound a little out of practice in dealing with guests!

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 02/07/2014 17:05

If you invite someone out for dinner you pay. If you ask someone to stay for the weekend you don't give them a list of housework that needs doing. She is your guest. I can't believe you would even think it is reasonable. What she earns has nothing to do with it.

DanyStormborn · 02/07/2014 17:06

YABU - that is a terrible way to treat an invited guest! How rude of you.

MyPrettyToes · 02/07/2014 17:07

Are you being serious? You are asking her to do your daughter a favour, and you are then asking her to pay for the privilege and do chores. You are really, really tight and, yes, very unreasonable.

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 17:07

DD had been living with a partner but that has all gone a bit wrong and he kicked her out. I've always worked, leaving XH to deal with DD and any of her friends she brought home.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 02/07/2014 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 02/07/2014 17:11

Man, you are tight.

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