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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DD's friend to pay her way?

72 replies

CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 16:52

Had a bit of an argument with DD this morning. I've recently moved house and DD(20) is coming to live with me. To help her settle in I've told her to invite her friend to stay the weekend as I'll have to lock myself away and work quite a bit.

As it's the first weekend I wanted to take DD out for a meal. WIBU to ask the friend to pay for her own meal? WIABU to ask the friend to maybe prepare a meal one night and maybe help with the odd chore (dog walking, dishes, tidying up)? DD says yes but the if the friend was going out with DD by herself she'd pay. Funds are a bit tight, that's all. Should I just ask the friend if she's ok with it first?

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 02/07/2014 17:11

Jeez you are unreasonable.

Glad I'm not your friend!

Chippednailvarnish · 02/07/2014 17:13

What your guest earns is none of your business...

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 17:14

Ok, given all the incredibly strong feeling I'd better go tell DD that her mum was being a prat and is sorry. There's a lot I need to learn I think.

OP posts:
Canus · 02/07/2014 17:18

Good on you Grin

Just out of interest, how do you treat your own family and friends when they stay? Do you expect them to work, and pay for meals out?

Neverknowingly · 02/07/2014 17:20

I think when guests are coming for a long stay it's fine to expect some pitching in etc but a weekend?

I think it is fine to say that they need to sort out their own food for one night but either have stuff in that they can cook/help themselves to or pay for take away. What is the arrangement for food between you and your daughter going to be in future given that she is coming to live with you not visiting and is an adult?

It would be vv rude to take DD out for dinner and epect friend to pay for herself in these circumstances.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/07/2014 17:21

Surely you can't have been totally oblivious to what your DD was doing though - are you really that clueless??

I'm glad you've seen the error of your ways.

PenelopePitstops · 02/07/2014 17:24

Pleased to hear it.

Though still shocked that you thought you were reasonable!

squoosh · 02/07/2014 17:26

Good decision OP!

MagicMojito · 02/07/2014 17:27

Agree with everyone else so far, yabvu I'm afraid. You cannot ask someone to come over to do you/your daughter a favour and also have them pay for the privilege of doing it!

I think if she has any manners she will offer to pitch in and help out anyway, but it defenetly shouldn't be a condition of her staying.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 02/07/2014 17:32

Oh dear, OP, how have you got to having a dd of 20 without knowing how to treat guests? If money is tight you don't eat out, you certainly don't take your dd out for a meal and ask your guest to pay. As for chores, a polite guest might offer to help with washing up but for two days, no, they wouldn't be expected to help out.

I see you are going to say sorry- I'm just a little mystified as to how you got here.

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 17:35

I don't have much in the way of family. XH and I used to split bills unless it was a special occasion and my own friends ditto. I have never had friends stay the weekend. As a child growing up and running around with friends we were always grabbed to help out adults with chores, regardless of whose kids we were.

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 02/07/2014 17:35

Xpost
Good to see your update Op :)

Heels99 · 02/07/2014 17:38

Is her name Cinderella?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 02/07/2014 17:39

You need to rethink how you 'see' your DD imo.

She isn't a child any more, she is another adult who lives in your home. So it is perfectly OK to expect her to, say, sort out tea for herself and her guest one night, whatever form this would take.

However, if you invite her out to dinner (ie you expect to pay) then by extension you of course expect to pay for her guest in turn, because you have extended the invitation to another adult.

As for the chores - well everyone pitches in when we stay with friends, dishes get done, dogs get walked, meals get made, but it is essentially the host's responsibility. If I don't fancy walking my friend's dog, she would be U to just sit there until the dog wees himself.

KurriKurri · 02/07/2014 17:50

I think there is a good chance DD's friend will offer to help out, and may even offer to pay for something. But she's not obliged to do so because she's a guest. So don't ask her - nothing wrong with hoping, but don't expect Smile

carabos · 02/07/2014 18:16

I'd think you'd gone round the bend if you invited me to your house as a weekend guest then asked for payment and help with chores. Hilarious. YABU.

Mrsjayy · 02/07/2014 18:33

She is coming for the weekend not to move in calm down take the girl for dinner and feed her you are a bit highly strung seeing as you invitec her to help your daughter

CeliaFate · 02/07/2014 18:37

If my dd was invited to her friend's house for the weekend and then asked to do chores and pay her own way, I'd be Shock!
Paying for her own meal is a bit off if you've invited her and then gone out for a meal it's not like she has much choice.
If it was phrased as "Will you come and help us settle in, we'll get a take away to say thanks" then I'd be ok with that.

HappyYoni · 02/07/2014 18:41

I've never been invited out for a meal by a friends parent and been asked to pay, even when I've offered it's always refused. If money was a bit tight they just wouldn't suggest going out to eat.

Ragwort · 02/07/2014 18:44

Surely your DD is the one that should be helping with chores etc? Confused. Sounds most odd.

Original poster
CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 19:22

My DD is capable of some tidying, light cleaning and maybe very simple cooking, but she can't do anything for very long at a time.

OP posts:
LongTimeLurking · 02/07/2014 19:25

YABU, if you invite a friend over to 'help you out' then you pay for their meal out and do not expect them to cook and do chores for you. What planet are you on?

sweetheart · 03/07/2014 13:50

Looking on the positive side of things Coastal I think you may win a prize for being the first person to post an AIBU where everyone agrees, and you were most gracious about it Grin

ILoveCoreyHaim · 03/07/2014 13:56

You want dds friend to stay with dd to keep her company. You don't like chores? Why should she do your chores or cook or clean or walk the dog, or pay for food.

Got to be a wind up.

greyhoundgymnastics · 03/07/2014 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.