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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DD's friend to pay her way?

72 replies

CoastalCaprice · 02/07/2014 16:52

Had a bit of an argument with DD this morning. I've recently moved house and DD(20) is coming to live with me. To help her settle in I've told her to invite her friend to stay the weekend as I'll have to lock myself away and work quite a bit.

As it's the first weekend I wanted to take DD out for a meal. WIBU to ask the friend to pay for her own meal? WIABU to ask the friend to maybe prepare a meal one night and maybe help with the odd chore (dog walking, dishes, tidying up)? DD says yes but the if the friend was going out with DD by herself she'd pay. Funds are a bit tight, that's all. Should I just ask the friend if she's ok with it first?

OP posts:

gamerchick · 03/07/2014 13:59

If you ask then you host, if you ask somebody out for a meal then you pay unless they insist.. if they ask to stay or whatever then fair enough.

Please don't ask your daughters friend to pay for stuff or hand out chores, not if she's doing you a favour.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/07/2014 14:00

Yabvvvvu
Ike there's have said, you invited her, she's a guest. If you can't afford a meal cook at home.

gamerchick · 03/07/2014 14:01

good for you.. i'm sorry your daughters going through a tough time.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 03/07/2014 14:10

You have indeed been gracious in accepting you were wrong- some other thoughts...

If your dd is disabled and you won't be around much on the weekend, then there are lots of things you could do to make things easier and avoid the friend feeling like a 'carer' (which is what she would feel if you ask her to essentially cook and clean)- so takeaway or pizza ready bought for one night, leave simple stuff to cook or ready meals the other night.

No house needs cleaning after two days really- and if it does after guests, you do it Mon yourself/get dd to help if she can. Asking them both - can you just clean up after yourselves? is fine, asking a guest to start hoovering top to bottom isn't really. Similarly- I think it's fine to say 'the dog needs to go out, could you take them out some time today' to your dd and they go for a walk together as an activity; not ok to single the friend out for chores on her own.

You seem to be concerned about your dd being cared for, which is a big issue if you are not going to be available a lot. Given your dd has been living independently- albeit with a partner, she might be able to do more than you think- and I'm pretty sure she won't want people to be 'caring' for her when they visit.

erin99 · 03/07/2014 14:10

Good for you.

If funds are too tight for the meal out could you stretch to supermarket bought pizzas, or cook something tasty but not expensive or complicated - pasta carbonara? Yes she is your DD's guest but you don't have to go OTT.

At 20 I would expect DD to cook unless she is not able.

happy362 · 03/07/2014 14:19

Your dd should help with chores but not her friend. You should offer to pay for your daughters friends meal at the restaurant but if it were me I would neither expect nor want you to pay for me . Even as a teenager I always offered to pay for my meal when out with a friends family

happy362 · 03/07/2014 14:26

To be fair though my parents often got it a bit wrong when I had friends over to stay. Because I never used to have friends over much as I didn't really like it they never really knew what was acceptable and not and once did not offer to pay for my friends meal when out. It was a bit embarrassing but they are not tight. It just didn't occur to them. Sometimes I make social mistakes and it's quite easy to do without being stingy and unreasonable,

firstchoice · 03/07/2014 15:25

I am sorry your dd is going through a tough time and you also sound snowed under.

I don't think you are unreasonable, I think you were just trying to think this through.

Hopefully the friend will see how you are placed and pitch in a bit.
Ditto with contribution for meal.

You cant ask though, without potentially embarrassing the heck out of your dd and you want to avoid that.

Good luck, hope it goes well.

MissDuke · 03/07/2014 15:58

YABU in your op, but glad to see you took the comments on board. I am sure it will all work out ok and she will probs automatically muck in anyway if your dd is doing chores. Hope the move goes well.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/07/2014 16:06

Glad you've taken the advice on the chin. MN has saved you from a faux pas. Hopefully DD's friend will help out voluntarily in the way that most normal people would - by that I mean, washing up, dinner prep or maybe offering to strip her bed, rather than general cleaning.

morchoxplz · 03/07/2014 16:13

'Deal with' DD? Are you her mum?
This comment and your initial question makes me wonder if you really know her very well....

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 03/07/2014 16:37

Wow. Your DD's friend is asked to come round to help your DD then is told to pay for her own meal in a restaurant she didn't choose, do some chores and cook a meal?

With friends like that who needs enemies?

Original poster

CoastalCaprice · 03/07/2014 18:05

At risk of sounding like the terrible mother I probably am, I've never really been the care giver or nurturer. I had PND, went back to work as soon as I possibly could after DD was born and have always been quite busy with my career. XH was the SAHD and has always been the closest to DD.

My daughter's mobility has been getting worse over time and she has developed some mental health issues. Her needs now bear little resemblance to her needs as a young teenager and I'll admit I'm a little daunted and don't know entirely how much care she's going to need. I have people coming in next week to add various mobility aids to the house so I'm hoping that will help. It seems that her partner used to do almost everything for her, from always doing the cooking to occasionally washing her on bad days. I'm also aware that this is not the first choice of long term solution for either of us; she wanted to live with her dad, but that's not feasible right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

CoastalCaprice · 03/07/2014 18:12

I'd also like to point out that when I said chores I wasn't expecting the girl to clean the entire house or do my laundry. It was only going to be things like tidy up after her and DD, help with dishes etc.

OP posts:

HappyYoni · 03/07/2014 18:31

Dude, you don't sound like a terrible mother. You sound like someone with a lot on her plate x

Original poster

CoastalCaprice · 03/07/2014 18:34

Thanks Yoni, that means a lot.

OP posts:

kawliga · 03/07/2014 18:51

I found this thread shocking, but from your updates I think I'm starting to get it. You wanted DD to have her friend as a 'carer' for the weekend, looking after your dd, helping your dd to clean up and get things done, etc, and you thought it would be nice for both of them as they are friends and would enjoy the time together, and since dd is disabled naturally her friend would want to help out with tasks/chores and it would be nice for your dd to have someone around her helping out and just being a supportive friend. Then you thought it would be nice to all go out to eat, then thought wait, I can't afford to pay for the extra person, so you thought well, she earns as much as I do so she won't mind paying and we can all go out and enjoy eating out.

Is that it? You are not tight. You were trying to organize something fun for both dd and her friend. Your intentions were good. It is the way you framed it that just sounded completely shocking and unreasonable, no wonder your dd was upset. You are right to apologize to her, but it is worth trying to explain that you had this vision of a really great weekend for her with her friend close by helping out and you not going bankrupt in the process.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/07/2014 19:09

Take your DD put another weekend then if you can't afford to pay foe her friend.

Original poster

CoastalCaprice · 03/07/2014 19:15

Kawliga that is more what I meant yes. I realize it could have been phrased better. I knew it was unlikely to win me hostess of the year but didn't realise quite how bad it sounded. I hope my apology to DD has shown my intentions - she seems to have forgiven me, even if she has accused me of being unclassy.

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 03/07/2014 19:18

Aw OP you sound nice. At least you throughout it through before you did anything ungracious - that's what matters. Have a lovely weekend.

KeepCalmAndLOLKittens · 03/07/2014 19:41

at unclassy. She has your number but you sound like a perfectly decent mum. If you weren't, you wouldn't have bothered to ask AIBU; you'd have just pressed ahead and alienated your DD.

OP, there are all kinds of differently great mums, just as there are any other kind of people.

kawliga · 03/07/2014 20:05

You are not unclassy at all. You are lovely. You just blurted out the end bit of your thought process rather than spelling it all out delicately, so it came out sounding skewed and lopsided and VVU

It's a classic 'Oh, I didn't mean that how it sounded' situation.

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