i know ibu but i need help, personal contact issues

[mrsbucketxx]

when i meet new people especially to do with my business, or through mummy meets i find it really hard to engage in physical contact even a hand shake i don't like doing it. i feel pressured when the person leaves expecting a hand shake or cheek kiss if i don't know them that well.

i don't have this with friends i have known for ages but im feeling rude with new contacts.

what do you do?

or am i just blatantly rude.

Help

what do you do?

I can't recall ever having a handshake refused. However, I plough on regardless with cheek kisses, sorry. When I first met my husband's father, I cheek kissed, despite seeing the hesitancy/recoil Sure enough, after over a decade, he is much more comfortable with my huggy/touchy-feely approach...basically, I embarrassed it out of him.

or am i just blatantly rude

Can't answer as you haven't actually clarified what you do if you are offered a hand or a cheek kiss...

I am not the most touch feely person, but I think in business you have got to get the hand shake. So many people make judgements on the basis of that handshake I am afraid.

i do respond but its usually quiet limp or i'm visibly anxious about it (with the cheek kiss)

MaidOfStars

Why do you want to make people uncomfortable?

MaidOfStars: Why do you want to make people uncomfortable?

I don't. It just doesn't occur to me that people would be uncomfortable with a handshake or cheek kiss. By the time I register any discomfort, I'll be too close to pull back without it being really freaking obvious that their discomfort has registered and they will get embarrassed about that and I will feel like shit because they're embarrassed. And so on.

I think it's hard to dodge handshakes when you are meeting people to do with your business. I tend to get out of cheek-kisses by shaking hands instead, but it's tricky if you really don't feel you can manage either.

Have you tried talking to the GP or anyone about why you are so bothered by it? If it's just that you feel self-conscious, then think about it this way - it's less 'noticeable' to do a quick firm handshake, and therefore people won't be thinking about you as much as if it is obviously an issue.

But if you've got a real anxiety thing about it, you could try avoiding it by always having your hands full when you are likely to be meeting new people.

Completely agree with Gary, I cannot abide the cheek kiss thing, shudder.

Gary That's fine if it makes you hate me. Allow me to reassure you somewhat that if I pick up the body language in good time, the attempted cheek kiss will be quashed. With my now FIL, it was only his arms stiffening as I was literally centimetres away from contact that cued me up.

That's actually the only time I can recall negative body language that I didn't act upon. I certainly don't force, say, my BIL to cheek kiss/hug/whatever (nor did I do so on introduction) as he emits a very definite cue to "stay back".

I think I made myself sound worse than I am. I don't even cheek kiss that much .

OP I feel your pain! I hate that everyone seems so bloody tactile now. I very much like my own personal space.
I've no advice unfortunately, I don't bother trying to hide the fact I find it awkward anymore but people still choose to go in for the hug/kiss/handshake etc. Annoyong.

i think im like thi because all the time i keep thinking about what they do all day with their hands.

and the cheek thing seems really intimate too close.

would the gp help. i didn't think they could in this sort of thing

I offer a namaste or a hand across heart instead of a handshake (usually hand to heart - namaste can feel a bit intimate). I make it clear with my body language that I'm not going to shake hands, then afterwards, explain I have a medical condition which makes clasping of hands painful.

My Mum says "Oh you won't mind if I don't shake/kiss...I've got a cold coming on." and smiles whilst stepping back. People seem to take the hint.

Justice do you TOUCH other people's chests then? Or your own?

i love that mrswin great idea.

It sounds like that could be classed as obsessive thoughts about cleanliness, which the GP might well be able to refer you to someone to talk about.

People's hands might not be clean, it is a possibility. But as long as you're not about to eat a sandwich, it's not going to make you ill to shake hands with them. And most people accept that level of 'risk' about germs without a moment's though (though if the hand is sticky or sweaty they may think 'Ick' and make a mental note to have a good wash as soon as convenient). So it's the kind of thing that something like CBT might help you to get past, to some extent at least.

i always carry hand gel if i know there will be touching involved.

In all honesty I'd chat to your GP about it as I felt the same way (still do but am able to control it better now) before I had treatment for OCD, I left it fir a long time and it spiralled - I used to open door handles with my feet because I was too scared to touch them - I even opened the latch to my front door with my foot and that I even saw as ridiculous as it was nearly at my head level.

I had CBT and I didn't find the actual sessions helpful but I found the theory helpful and managed to implement the theory myself. There is a book called overcoming OCD which lays the theory out. I do think that your fears sound disproportionate to the actual risk, I totally understand this and it is something you can learn to control, it will honestly make your life a lot better.

I got to the point where if my feet may have possibly brushed my knickers when putting them on I would have to put them in the wash basket and try again. I had so many things that became impossible for me to do my whole life became nightmarish, I still get some thoughts and urges but CBT has really helped x

for not fir!

its hard to explain, i don't think bad of them just i cant cope with it well.

look i know ibu angela jeesh

i want to be ok with contact not some freak who feels odd touching anyone im not close too.

I don't have the germ phobia issue, but I HATE people touching me so I feel your pain, OP. I can just about muster a handshake in a business setting.

I struggle to give off the vibe that I am uncomfortable about it though (either that or people choose to ignore it!). If any of the PP (particularly the tactile ones) could give me some tips on what would make you realise that the other person wasn't comfortable, that would be great.

You are well within your rights to not want people kissing/hugging you, I don't quite know why it is so prevalent these days. I work with people who are fairly tactile in general, and it has taken a while for them to get their head round the fact that I hate casual bodily contact.