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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i know ibu but i need help, personal contact issues

62 replies

mrsbucketxx · 02/07/2014 12:52

when i meet new people especially to do with my business, or through mummy meets i find it really hard to engage in physical contact even a hand shake i don't like doing it. i feel pressured when the person leaves expecting a hand shake or cheek kiss if i don't know them that well.

i don't have this with friends i have known for ages but im feeling rude with new contacts.

what do you do?

or am i just blatantly rude.

Help

OP posts:
AbbeyBartlet · 02/07/2014 16:43

Oops - x-posted with OP.

My problem is that I am fine with not wanting to be touched, I just want to communicate that to other people.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2014 16:44

I would have thought that CBT would help you with this.

I would definitely go to your GP, it's impacting on your life.

todayisnottheday · 02/07/2014 16:46

This isn't unusual, what you feel is felt by many people. I didn't really notice it until I made friends with a lady who was the same. She explained how it made her feel and it's made me much more conscious of peoples cues now. However she received some excellent support. there were various options available and she found the one that suited her which was learning coping strategies, ways to divert unwanted contact in a way that wasn't noticed or awkward and so on. She was also sensitive to certain textures and used hand cream in a similar manner that you seem to use gels.

She wasn't "cured" but she's much more comfortable and confident now she has the tools to deal with it and the confidence that she isn't a "freak" for the way she feels and that it's ok to say no. All she did was go to her gp. Honestly she had to go more than once to get over the point that it was important to her so don't be discouraged if you don't get what you need first shot but the support is out there and you can access it.

todayisnottheday · 02/07/2014 16:50

Abbey my friends top tip was to work out where is usual to stand in relation to someone then take a half step away. By being slightly further away than is usual you don't appear so available for contact plus you have more time to see a move coming and deflect it.

AbbeyBartlet · 02/07/2014 16:50

Nobody forces a kissed cheek on you. You choose not to deal with the 'situation' in a way as described by the pp's mother. I would also add that you are also ignoring their body language, but most of all have you ever spared a second to think of what it is like to be considered Untouchable, to see someone recoil from you for... Existing?

The problem is that, to a tactile person, the kiss/hug is a friendly gesture to someone you may not know that well. To someone who abhors that kind of contact, it is desperately unpleasant.

AbbeyBartlet · 02/07/2014 16:52

today That is great advice - I have never thought of doing that. I don't read body language well so I tend to get pulled into a hug etc before I know what is happening. Standing back would be a really good solution to it.

Opinionatedbugger · 02/07/2014 16:56

Op I have same problem but more with me passing on germs to others if you can understand what I mean. I would personally accept the handshake and carry a bottle of hand sterilising gel on your person Smile

AngelaMerkel · 02/07/2014 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 02/07/2014 17:27

Abbey I watch for the following:

  1. Hands folded and left down/over tummy/behind back. The key is hands folded here - if hands are dangling at their sides, I wouldn't be any wiser. Folding them strongly suggests they do not wish to make hand contact. Folding across themselves clearly blocks any invasion of personal space.
  2. The hands folded accompanied by a slight nodding of head/slight bow is job done for us "touchy feely" types Smile

Also, I watch for people standing further back, not stepping towards me and keeping their body mostly upright, even slightly away from me.

plecofjustice · 02/07/2014 17:29

Justice do you TOUCH other people's chests then? shock Or your own?

No, my own, just my palm to my heart centre (above the boobs). A sincere gesture to offer peace and welcome.

littlemslazybones · 02/07/2014 17:30

You need to take the lead to avoid any ambiguity about not touching. An assertive "Hello, I'm mrsb then use your hands in some way to move things on, to suggest seats to sit at, introduce the next person or distract with a cough into your hand, if all else fails shove them in your pockets.

MaidOfStars · 02/07/2014 17:33

Oh my golly, do NOT shove your hands into your pockets if someone is offering theirs to shake. Was that a joke?

littlemslazybones · 02/07/2014 17:35

No, if you take the lead setting the form of the introduction the handshake doesn't occur in the first place.

MaidOfStars · 02/07/2014 17:40

but if all else fails shove them in your pockets

Understood, but the above wording suggests that the person isn't getting the hint and has blithely offered their hand anyway.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 02/07/2014 17:42

In lots of situations in busines you will not be able to manage to get out of a handshake, people often welcome you by holding out their hand. What are you going to do in an interview?!

I really think it is better to get help for this, most cultures have some type of extended contact/touching type greeting, from kisses to hugs to nose rubbing.

littlemslazybones · 02/07/2014 17:42

In a sequence hello, smile, distract...depending on anxiety....shove hands in pockets, better than a panic attack.

littlemslazybones · 02/07/2014 17:45

Clearly if the hand is already out you can't leave it hanging. But if you get in there first you might be able to dodge it.

MaidOfStars · 02/07/2014 18:03

Clearly if the hand is already out you can't leave it hanging

Maybe if you spit on your own palm and offer it, the hand might be retracted Smile

littlemslazybones · 02/07/2014 18:07

Nothing worse than a wet handshake maid Smile

drudgetrudy · 02/07/2014 18:47

I don't mind handshakes and I think you will need to learn to tolerate them in business situations. Frequent exposure to this will probably help.
Could you get friend/family to practice with you.
I HATE, HATE, HATE hugs from relative strangers and have found if I stand stiff as a board it discourages them from doing it again.
Don't understand why I hate it -not unfriendly and hope said people are happy etc.
Have learned to be a bit better about it with friends but still not keen.

HappyAgainOneDay · 02/07/2014 20:27

I don't like mwa mwa if I don't really know the person. My answer to this is to stick out my hand for a handshake before the other person's lips are pursed in readiness or as I see them starting to.

GaryTheTankEngine · 02/07/2014 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

todayisnottheday · 02/07/2014 20:59

Abbey, out of interest I tried it out and it does work. You don't even need to be very far away so not obviously out of the ordinary. Maid also offers good advice, hand in the pocket/handbag/picking up the stapler is a good fall back for emergencies, obviously before a handshake is proffered! (Works just as well for kisses if you turn your shoulders a little).

AngelaMerkel · 02/07/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trillions · 02/07/2014 22:00

I would wet myself laughing if anyone other than a 90-year old Indian yogi greeted me with a "namaste".

I suppose it would break the ice though Grin