Surely moving to new area shouldn't be this hard...

[HaLOL]

Been here (Hampshire) just over a year. DCs are 11 and 9. We live in a very residential area where everyone knows everyone. Many ppl seem to have lived here since childhood. Not a huge amount of turnover at school so again all been together since reception.

DCS have made lots of friends. DH works hard all week, sometimes in London for a few days at a time, staying over. He's relatively introverted too. He's lovely and good fun but doesn't mind if we don't socialise much.

But I'm struggling. I've found this move harder than the move to 7000 miles away (where we lived before). I'm mid 40s. Somewhere between introverted and extroverted. Not looking for a packed social life. Would just be nice to have some local friends but it's so hard to break in. I have organised a couple of things with a couple of groups. For a year they've all been saying must do that again. But it never happens. Their lives are full. They don't have this problem. I have an acute injury atm so can't join a sports club. Don't do religion. Too young at heart for WI. Don't work at the moment. Have looked but hard to fit around the kids and lucky in that I don't need to. But I do keep looking.

It's really getting me down. It comes on the back of a really tough couple of years. The kids won't need me so much before long. It all feels a bit tied up with a mid life crisis and just thinking if I feel like this now how tough is it gonna be as and when the kids need me less?

I'm not a boring old fart. In my head I'm 28 lol. And I'm a lovely friend.

Any ideas? Oh and what to say when ppl say "must get together soon" that let's them know YES PLEASE BLOODY ORGANISE STH without sounding desperate?! Although am thinking I should just give up on this particular lot. When I see one at our DCS after school activity she will often talk about book club. Or day time cinema trip etc but never thinks to extend an invite. Of course perhaps I'm just not that appealing lol.

I must tell you that WI has had a real change recently...ours Cheshire) is apparently full of 30 to 50 year olds who organise nights out and theatre trips and have lots of child centered activities like fun-days and craft fairs with kids stalls.

Do go to your local one...it's not jam and Jerusalem anymore!

Also what about joining a cycling group? Ours has a lot of families and if there isn't one then start one. A family orientated one where the DC and the parents go on easy-ish rides with a break for a picnic or coffee shop.

Do you have a nice local pub? Sit at the bar rather than a table, make friends with the bar staff, they'll know other local people.

I understand, same boat. I have moved a couple of times and it is always hard to break into a new community.

It just takes time I think in the meantime these are some of the things I have done. Take a class at local adult ed: I have done a language class and photography class (rubbish at both but it got me out of the house), volunteering: I volunteered with school pta and local residents association, have done other volunteer things aswell but I met loads of other mum's and neighbours with these two and it only has to be a couple of hours a week.

Finally I think we have to be a bit bold and invite ourselves to things or offer to help make arrangements so next time someone suggests daytime movie agree and then offer to ask around the other mums and book tickets etc.

Best of luck with whatever you decide but take this as an opportunity to do something for you before you are too busy!

I can really relate op. I moved to hampshire nearly 5 years ago and still finding it hard to establish a solid friends group. Note sure if its because a lot of people grew up here and have long established social circles, but when when i lived in south london it didnt take me this long to make good friends and be invited to odd nights out. I still feel friendships dont easily progress from polite chat/acquaintence to something with more depth. I think my expectations were too high about making friends at the school gate. Once my youngest starts school I'll hopefully have time to take up a new hobby, or do voluntary work on my days off. Have you thought about doing voluntary workin something you feel strongly about? Perhaps there's more chance of meeting like minded people that way.

I can sympathise. We moved when the ds were a similar age to yours. 4 years on and I would say I finally 'belong' here. I joined a theatre company, helped at Scouts, went to WI, even joined the PTA (briefly) in an attempt to make friends. It took ages to integrate.... And even now I am often the newbie or feel a bit on the outside.
I think when you have babies it is very easy to integrate and make friends but once the kids are older it is so much harder...everyone has their groups established and their friendships settled.
Stick with it.....you will eventually get there!

I am in Hampshire and moved here over 11 years ago now. I'm very into amdram and have made some lovely friends through that, my NCT group have drifted apart since we all went back to work. On my local Mumsnet board there are some people who get together, haven't joined them yet though. There are also several local Facebook groups in my area which have been welcoming to newcomers and the NCT is always welcoming. You can always pm me if you want to find out if you are in the same place!

Don't rule out the WI!

Also when someone says 'we must organise something soon' whip out your phone/diary and say 'shall we organise something now before the weeks slip by, it's so hard with family and work etc etc'

Moving is hard with older kids, with little ones it's easier ime.

I could have written your post! I moved down to Hampshire last October from London to be closer to family and friends. I've tried mother and toddler groups but all very cliquey as everyone knows everyone else etc.. My friends have moved on with their lives and I'm the only one with a small baby so seem to be left out of everything.. Before I moved to London I was always the one helping/organising/ being useful but now I'm not so useful seem to have been forgotten!
I'm a SAHM a swell and would love to have someone to meet up with/ go out etc really made an effort with groups but as I'm that bit older it's been hard. Will keep persevering with it tho but as I'm a bit of a introvert I do find it hard at times!

I am too young a heart for the WI

Oh dear! Think you are doing them a bit of a disservice there OP !

I think OP doesn't realise that WI is much different today...many younger women join and there are loads of great trips and activities. If I had time I'd bloody join in a heartbeat!

You probably need a strategy of making a lot of 'friendly acquaintances' and the. Hopefully move a few people into friends.

Join PTA. Join WI. Volunteer. Sign up for an adult education course or art group or craft or look for book group adverts or something like that.

Be mega proactive in organising things. Get a date in the diary, do all the leg work organising events - make it easy for people to be friendly with you. Host a summer BBQ for all your DCs friends and families. Organise an end of term picnic in the park.

It will be exhausting and you'll feel like you are doing all the running with little reciprocation, but hopefully after a while you'll find a few people you click with and will get some real friends.

I totally know what you mean! We moved to Hampshire as well about four years ago (Northern bit). DH commutes to London. I finally feel like it is getting better but I was extremely lonely and bored early on. I used to be an ex-pat too and thought settling back in UK would be easy.

A lot of the people around us have lived here all their lives and have friends from school and NCT.

I think the ideas above sound fab!

I hear you. I've experienced similar. It's hard and it happens more frequently in villages and small towns full of people who've never lived anywhere else.

it happens more frequently in villages and small towns full of people who've never lived anywhere else

Agreed. I think it's much easier to meet new people and make new friends in areas where there is higher throughput of people.

We moved to our current location with young DC then had another - it's still been really hard to get to know people despite me going to every group going. Previous location - only there a few years and we knew loads of people.

I think whois and numpties are right.

I have no soultions - I know a lot of people to nod hello at but that's it - we moving on away now - hop enext place is easier.

When the other mum mentions book club you need to say that sounds great , i'd love to join. People dont think with regard to newcomers who might be lonely. Also, volunteer at a charity - I met lovely people that way in new area! Good luck.

It is hard Op, feel for you. Am also an ex expat trying not to be bored by small town life. I had hopes for local wi but it realky IS lots of old women, fine for them but i'd like a mix! Their yearly list of activities is not exactly enticing either. Tea, cake, craft focussed. Shame.

Volunteering? www.do-it.org.uk I think. Do you have any interests? Choir? Knit and natter? Yoga? Pilates? Evening classes will be starting up in September.

It is hard, and I think you have to stick at something, even if you dont quite fit in. Because sooner or later, it wil lead to something else. eg I moved to Denmark. Found a choir. They were rubbish. But found out that there was a chamber choir in the same town, which was a bit better, but still not quite me, but through that I found an awesome choir in a different town. That took about 2 years. But I got there eventually.

I sympathise, I think after all this time, you should give up. do what redpax said.

Hi OP, I totally feel for you because I have moved a lot in the last 10 years and sadly it's just as tricky every time we move.

There are things I've got better at which really help though, it's just means you have to be slightly bloody minded about tagging along at first.

1. Whenever someone says "we must organise", get out your diary or your phone and agree who you should invite and dates
2. Invite yourself along to things - the vast majority of people really don't mind and don't expect to have to ask you along
3. Invite people over for dinner "You know, I've realised that we've been here a year now and we still haven't had you over for dinner - when are you free this month?"
4. Find community activities and sign up for them.

It feels really awkward if you're like me and not naturally confident but it is worth putting yourself outself out there until things start happening more naturally.

It takes time. I moved to the area I'm in nearly 3 years ago and I'm now at the stage where I have a group of great local friends that I can rely on. But it takes a lot of effort and you absolutely must be willing to put yourself out there or it just will not happen. You're unlucky in that your children are that bit older so you don't have the option of toddler groups but it is still an option to get talking to their friends' parents and see if anything comes of that. Don't wait to be asked to things, organise things yourself and invite people.

It is soul-destroying tho, isnt it? I invited myself to acquaintance's after reasonably social night out when she'd said that dreaded phrase "we must do coffee" so i git out my diary. Cue excrutiating small talk the next day. I must say, she's nice and all but i am NOT that desperate when someone can't be arsed. Am too okd for that. But yes like others on here have moved loads since dc born- 5 different places, 2 different countries, 7 different houses! I am so weary of making the effort think i'd almost rather be a recluse! Sorry for hijack.

Go to the local library/ community hall and study the notice board; there are always activities, classes, charities advertised. If you are only slightly interested in local politics, they will snatch your hand off, as there are always things to be done. Volunteer at school, that way you will get to know other mothers, or for the clubs to which your children belong. It will take time, but you will broaden your social circle, and then you can begin to be selective about what you actually want to do. And give the W.I a try.

I've moved to a new area twice in the last few years. I find that you have to be ruthless. I asked if I could join the bookclub - and was let in.

I never turned down an invitation no matter how difficult, scary or dull it looked. Go to PTA meetings, help out at school fairs, do it all. If someone says, "yes, wel'll arrange coffee soon" you have to do the arranging. Go to school events even if you don't know anyone. if a mum invites you in for wine after a playdate -take her up on it, or offer her a glass. it's really tough if you're not a massive extravert.

I had to walk into a coffee shop where all the parents knew each other after school drop off and just try to catch their eyes, and join in conversations. they all knew each other from nursery years, and I was seen as the upstart who moved into the area and bumped people out of the catchment area. I also had to start learning to smile as my natural expression is a bit of a miserable one I think.

Its a bit difficult I agree when you're out of baby years, and it can be soul destroying. I'm nearly 3 years into my move and do have people I can text to meet up for coffee or go for a drink with.

Ive done/am doing those. But am so weary - as insaid, my 7th time and so over being new again. Totally selfinflicted obviously. Wtf was i thinking? Itchy feet forever..