Surely moving to new area shouldn't be this hard...

[HaLOL]

Been here (Hampshire) just over a year. DCs are 11 and 9. We live in a very residential area where everyone knows everyone. Many ppl seem to have lived here since childhood. Not a huge amount of turnover at school so again all been together since reception.

DCS have made lots of friends. DH works hard all week, sometimes in London for a few days at a time, staying over. He's relatively introverted too. He's lovely and good fun but doesn't mind if we don't socialise much.

But I'm struggling. I've found this move harder than the move to 7000 miles away (where we lived before). I'm mid 40s. Somewhere between introverted and extroverted. Not looking for a packed social life. Would just be nice to have some local friends but it's so hard to break in. I have organised a couple of things with a couple of groups. For a year they've all been saying must do that again. But it never happens. Their lives are full. They don't have this problem. I have an acute injury atm so can't join a sports club. Don't do religion. Too young at heart for WI. Don't work at the moment. Have looked but hard to fit around the kids and lucky in that I don't need to. But I do keep looking.

It's really getting me down. It comes on the back of a really tough couple of years. The kids won't need me so much before long. It all feels a bit tied up with a mid life crisis and just thinking if I feel like this now how tough is it gonna be as and when the kids need me less?

I'm not a boring old fart. In my head I'm 28 lol. And I'm a lovely friend.

Any ideas? Oh and what to say when ppl say "must get together soon" that let's them know YES PLEASE BLOODY ORGANISE STH without sounding desperate?! Although am thinking I should just give up on this particular lot. When I see one at our DCS after school activity she will often talk about book club. Or day time cinema trip etc but never thinks to extend an invite. Of course perhaps I'm just not that appealing lol.

Do you have a local 'Meet up' group? I joined mine recently and I have been inundated with e-mails telling me about up coming events.

There really is something for everyone. I haven't had the guts to attend any events yet though!

• If someone says, "yes, wel'll arrange coffee soon" you have to do the arranging

A mum did this to me, kept saying over and over, we must get together....we must let the dc play together ( same school), so over summer I popped a note through her door to say pop in over next 6 weeks....

NOTHING, I got a pathetic " gosh didnt the time fly".

It wasnt even ME wanting to meet for coffee.

Bear in mind bascially some people talk the earth but do not mean a single word they say.

When I say local meet up group I don't mean an MN one.

Hi I have read this thread with interest as I just moved to a village, actually where I grew up and my DM is here and I know lots of people but no one my sort of age. Does feel lonely and depressing so I really empathise.

Swift it is hard isn't it. I am also the kind of person who would rather have a few good friends than loads - quality rather than quantity, and I guess I'm feeling down about it so not feeling like barging in and being forceful.

When we moved here last year my DH didn't join us for 6 months due to wrapping up in the country we were living in. We didn't actually expect/want to come back to the UK at all. We didn't really have a choice because DS2 didn't settle at school in Asia. Then shortly after we came back he fell 12ft and broke his leg in 2 places. Up to his thigh in plaster/in a wheelchair for the entire frikkin' summer hols, then up to knee plaster for another 4 weeks. Times like that you realise how alone you are. No real offer of help from anyone.

It's all knocked the stuffing out of me a bit tbh.

Re the book club, apparently they don't actually read any books. They've renamed it "baking & bitching" so actually I don't think I want to join after all.

I seem to swing between feeling a bit needy, and thinking actually I can't be arsed with ppl who say for a year "let's do dinner" blah blah. Especially when I have arranged a night out with these two sets of people.

I popped a note through her door to say pop in over next 6 weeks....

NOTHING, I got a pathetic " gosh didnt the time fly".

It wasnt even ME wanting to meet for coffee

'Pop in sometime in the next 6 weeks is a crap wishy washy invitation tho. You need to push for and actually get a conformed date. If someone isn't willing to agree a date then you can discount them as all talk.

Fake it till you make it OP. Fake a lovely smile and looking brave even when you're scared when entering a room full of people that know each other - no will know how you feel inside. Fake huge social exuberance and act like you love to organise BBQs and dinner parties.

Thanks for empathising, Op. especially as this is about you! Hows ds recovering? Must be hard. We also were overseas and am gobsmacked at the lack of a welcome, any friendly support settling back in etc. a couple have to be fair, but intetestingly not from those who i had previously regarded as friends. Definitely sorts wheat from the chaff, doesnt it?
So no advice, good for you for battling on. You will get there.

I lived in my local commumity up to 18 yo, left for Uni and came back aged 40. It is like I am an alien even though I went to the local schools etc. I am naturally shy and don't push myself forward. I find the school run the worst part it is so cliquey!!

How about politics? It can be a great way to meet people as political parties are DESPERATE for helpers. Ward meetings are monthly with pub after, usually.

I've relocated too and it does take time. I've also lives in Hampshire and found it to be an unusually unfriendly place. Sorry Hants people, but you take a while to warm to people.

i agree with whois, voltunteer like a mad woman and keep yourself busy-

its will feel like max work for little return but the investement will pay off in time, AND being busy = less lonely

also stay in contacxt with your "old mates" and make time for phone calls/emails etc so you at least have a connection

I must say I have read this about Hampshire a few times

bless you OP, I really empathise and it this is an issue where you need to roll sleeves and get very proactive

and its only a year, thats a short time XXXX

Sympathy, OP. My persona is assertive and friendly. Last week was the fourth time I've ever been invited out as an individual in my eight years in Australia.

The first three were not repeated, though I followed up with invites.

< I sound like a fucking saddo, don't I? I seem pretty normal to me, i.e. not been sacked>

Your post really struck a chord with me. When the kids were at primary school (in an area I had grown up in, although most other parents hadn't) I really struggled. I was an active member of the PA then realised they were all going out and I was not invited. I even ventured to say 'I'd love to join you', which took alot, but was politely rebuffed by one mum, more bitchily by another. Cue tears at home.

Kids now at secondary school a few miles away from the primary school. We moved house, nearer to the secondary school. I made a big effort to contact the secondary school mums and set up drinks and it all paid off. I now have a nice group of friends at school and on my street.

My conclusion? Sometimes your face just doesn't fit. Start again with another group. Put effort in people who are nice to you, forget those who aren't. Don't dwell on rude and thoughtless people, try and stay positive and move on.

Really Queen? Well done! Don't even have numbers of dds friends mums at sec. Had kind of dismissed it as being an option tbh.

Thanks everyone. I need to dig deep and find the energy lol. It's good to know it's not just me though, cos it can feel like that sometimes can't it! We are moving house shortly, nearer the residential area (we're in a big tree lined road atm). I do think this will help and the kids will have more freedom and independence too as it's very near to the park.

I'm a bit nervous about living in a goldfish bowl though but it's the right thing to do for now.

DS' leg is okayish thanks for asking. Thankfully he narrowly escaped surgery but it is still sore sometimes. Growing pains and then some I think. He was almost airlifted to hospital and was immobilised with a neck brace etc cos of height of fall. So am glad it was just a broken leg.

Thanks for the suggestion of politics. Not sure I'm that desperate quite yet...!! (Meant in a light hearted way...).

You need to take the initiative! The next time somebody says, let's do it again after a night out or a meet up, offer to arrange something. Get everyone's phone numbers or email addresses and use them. You might start off by texting/email about an event but you'll end up talking about other stuff if you stick a 'how are you?' on the end or even 'fancy meeting for a quick coffee on Tues' if you're feeling brave.

I know it's hard but if you force yourself to make the effort, you will make friends. It worked for me.

It's only a little thing, but friend request the people who you do know on facebook. They invariably say yes and it does accelerate the route to from aquaintance to friendship when you have seen their innermost thoughts/photos on facebook and vice versa.

Target anyone new moving to the area, most the friends I've made since moving 2 years ago are fellow incomers.

God, I feel your pain, op.

We moved 7 years ago across there Irish Sea and it was so hard making friends when you're childless but not out going crazy/clubbing all the time.

Since I've had dd I'm really settled but DH hasn't had the same opportunity to meet people and doesn't feel the same.

It's totally shit.

We're not massively outgoing but since I had dd I forced myself to do stuff out of my comfort zone to build a support network - no family close - all a flight away - and it's worked wonders for my self confidence.

It's still a work in progress and it's really hard, but putting yourself out there has paid dividends for me.

God, I feel your pain, op.

We moved 7 years ago across there Irish Sea and it was so hard making friends when you're childless but not out going crazy/clubbing all the time.

Since I've had dd I'm really settled but DH hasn't had the same opportunity to meet people and doesn't feel the same.

It's totally shit.

We're not massively outgoing but since I had dd I forced myself to do stuff out of my comfort zone to build a support network - no family close - all a flight away - and it's worked wonders for my self confidence.

It's still a work in progress and it's really hard, but putting yourself out there has paid dividends for me.

Oops

Swift - I got the secondary school mums numbers when my son had a party for the class early in Y7 and people RSVP'd me - it grew from there. You could also ask the school office to pass on your email address - we now have a fb page for the class. Give it a shot - I know lots of Mums who feel cut off from secondary school and wish they weren't.

Book clubs NEVER read the books it's a gossip and a natter night. Again, don't write it off until you've actually tried it.

Wrt the note 'must meet up in the next 6 weeks' is too vague, you need to say 'when are you free for coffee,I can do Mon, Wed and thurs next week, any good for you?'

Time flies by with a family, you need to be specific and pin people down in the first instance then take it from there.

Saying that though, some areas are harder then others. Devon was the worst place for me, I've never felt so alone and isolated. London was the easiest. Londoners are friendly, even hardened ones, still takes me by surprise now when I go back at just how easy it is to chat and start a conversation.

Re book club, this particular mum will openly talk about it but not actually ask me to go along. I even tried to set one up with the few ppl I do know/friends with on FB and that's how I found out about the other one. Yet no-one said "we already have one, come along". Just "we already have one...". I'm sure it's not malicious. I think ppl who have lived here since childhood/are well established just don't realise how hard it is. Another time someone was telling me about a group of mums going to the cinema in the daytime as it was the only time they could all go. I hinted that I really wanted to see that movie. No invite though. And in those circs I just guess I don't have the confidence to barge in. I'm actually quite a confident person; I just think they can't be that naive to not realise I am dropping hints etc. They therefore must want their friendship groups to remain closed off to newcomers.

I think this particular group aren't the right ones. I need to broaden my horizons. And actually I do know a couple of ladies from a fitness centre I go to and we get on well. They are more inviting, but often just busy. Sometimes that's what it seems to come down to. People just don't have the time for another lunch that week or whatever. DH is still working away often too and with no babysitter it's hard to go out in the evening. But I am gonna look at an evening class from September. Once we move I'm hoping they'll be a late teen type babysitter nearby so that if DH is away one night when class is on I can still go.

I so see the appeal of moving to a big city though! It's doubly hard cos we don't want to actually be here half the time.

Thanks for all the kind words and advice.

I moved hundreds of miles away from friends and family around 8 years ago to be with now STBXH, it wasn't so bad when I had toddlers as there were always mother and baby groups and people to hang out with there (they weren't always people who would have been my first choice for friends but I'm still in touch with a couple) but it does get soo much harder as your children get older so I really sympathise OP. The hardest times have been when I've been really ill myself and realised that I've had no-one to call and no shoulders to cry on... That said in the last 6 months I've started volunteering at my local food bank - it's a cause I feel strongly about so the other volunteers are like minded people without me having to search them out. Hope you find something similar and that from reading this thread you know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. And good luck!