Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surely moving to new area shouldn't be this hard...

62 replies

HaLOL · 02/07/2014 11:44

Been here (Hampshire) just over a year. DCs are 11 and 9. We live in a very residential area where everyone knows everyone. Many ppl seem to have lived here since childhood. Not a huge amount of turnover at school so again all been together since reception.

DCS have made lots of friends. DH works hard all week, sometimes in London for a few days at a time, staying over. He's relatively introverted too. He's lovely and good fun but doesn't mind if we don't socialise much.

But I'm struggling. I've found this move harder than the move to 7000 miles away (where we lived before). I'm mid 40s. Somewhere between introverted and extroverted. Not looking for a packed social life. Would just be nice to have some local friends but it's so hard to break in. I have organised a couple of things with a couple of groups. For a year they've all been saying must do that again. But it never happens. Their lives are full. They don't have this problem. I have an acute injury atm so can't join a sports club. Don't do religion. Too young at heart for WI. Don't work at the moment. Have looked but hard to fit around the kids and lucky in that I don't need to. But I do keep looking.

It's really getting me down. It comes on the back of a really tough couple of years. The kids won't need me so much before long. It all feels a bit tied up with a mid life crisis and just thinking if I feel like this now how tough is it gonna be as and when the kids need me less?

I'm not a boring old fart. In my head I'm 28 lol. And I'm a lovely friend.

Any ideas? Oh and what to say when ppl say "must get together soon" that let's them know YES PLEASE BLOODY ORGANISE STH without sounding desperate?! Although am thinking I should just give up on this particular lot. When I see one at our DCS after school activity she will often talk about book club. Or day time cinema trip etc but never thinks to extend an invite. Of course perhaps I'm just not that appealing lol.

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/07/2014 19:28

It is hard OP.

Wrt book club, do you think there's any chance there's a limit on numbers? I don't invite people as we have a limit on the number of people we can fit in our houses? That said if any one asks I do say that I will put their name forward when someone leaves and then I'd strange a coffee etc.

Thanks
kerstina · 04/07/2014 20:32

I will be in this position next year when I move from the town I have lived all my life to a new area possibly more rural. I am not too bothered about having a brilliant social life but I will miss the few close friendships I have.
I have recently got a dog and found I have a new circle of friends to chat to in the park! They might not all be my age but they are interesting people and if dog walkers are this friendly in my new place I might just be ok. Could you get a dog?

MehsMum · 04/07/2014 21:02

OP, I'm another one who knows how it feels. When I had DD1, we lived in a high-throughput university town overseas and it was dead easy to make friends. Then we moved back to the home counties and I nearly went nuts. I made a lot of acquaintances, but only one really good friend - well, we ended up friends with the whole family, ifyswim - in five bloody years. I felt like a total reject, despite joining a book club, being on the PTA etc.

Back in my hometown now Grin. MUCH easier, but I hope I'm aware of how it can be for someone new to settle in.

As kerstina suggested, is a dog a possibility? Dog walkers are often really nice people she says modestly and happy to chat.

Good luck, anyway. It's horrible to feel lonely and ignored.

Original poster
HaLOL · 04/07/2014 22:27

I have just signed up for Spanish evening classes starting early October :-) DH has promised to try really hard to always be home. DS1 is going to be learning Spanish when he starts at secondary school in September. I think it will be lovely to be able to chat with him about it/practise with him. We will both be beginners :-) Maybe when he's a bit older take a trip to Spain with him.

Re getting a dog, I don't think we could right now. It's hard to explain really but since living overseas and coming back unwillingingly we've gone all minimalist and non committal about things. We're not in the right place mentally/emotionally to get a pet. Good suggestion though and when I have walked with a friend and her dog I've been amazed at all the walkers out there - a whole doggy walking social scene going on!

OP posts:
whois · 04/07/2014 23:45

I have just signed up for Spanish evening classes starting early October

Well done OP. And lovely idea to start learning at the same time as your child.

SwiftRelease · 05/07/2014 11:04

Well done, OP. positive step. Inspired me to look slso. But in rhe sticks and kids not at local schs so feels harder!

GrendelsMinim · 05/07/2014 11:17

Our book club is limited by number, in that it can't have more people than members can fit into their sitting rooms - means it's fixed at 10.

The local library runs one which is bigger as they have more space.

Queenoftheworld · 05/07/2014 11:42

OP - you said that people will talk about cinema trips and book club openly in front of you. That's what happened to me. It was as if I was invisible or without feelings. They would constantly bang on about what a great time they had on their ever more extravagant days out/nights out/trips away. One of the Queen Bee mums (who knew I felt left out) moved back to the country she grew up in and on a recent visit back to the UK was able to tearfully look me in the eye and tell me how the mums at the new school were not including her!!!!!!! I bit it back with difficulty.

I think you are right to say that that group is not the right one. Take moving house and moving schools as a fresh start. Its scary but it really worked out for me. All the mums at the new school are really pleased that we go out and impressed I made the effort to get in contact.

SugarplumKate · 05/07/2014 11:46

OP you are not north Hampshire are you?

Ionacat · 05/07/2014 11:56

I'm on the committee for a local group and the other night someone suggested that we should stop our socials as not that many people were interested and that they all had their social groups and friends anyway so what was the point. I and a couple of other argued successfully that in order to be a successful group we needed new people and that socials were a great way of encouraging them to join and make friends. But it is so symptomatic of the attitudes here. Maybe we need a new to Hampshire club!

Original poster
HaLOL · 05/07/2014 18:33

sugar no I'm not north.

OP posts:
SugarplumKate · 06/07/2014 22:35

HaLOL, just thought you might be near me! (im on hants/surrey/berks border) Best of luck, it can be so hard breaking into established groups x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page