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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD & Uni

66 replies

puzzledassduck · 01/07/2014 14:35

I've NC for this in case anyone recognises me and i'm not sure what you will all think to this!

So DSD is nearly 18 and currently at college. She pretty much comes and goes as she pleases. So there's no real custody anymore. Her mum gets all the child benefits etc. We get all the bills.

All the money DSD needs comes from us. In the past this hasn't been a massive issue because we earn a lot more than her and DH's attitude is that it's his daughter so he's more than happy to support her.

So right now her allowance comes from us, her food/travel costs for college, driving lessons, clothing. Entertainment. We pay for all of it. Not a word has ever been uttered to the ex about it. Even her college address is registered to ours. It's been so tough recently with her wanting to learn to drive. It's so much more expensive nowadays!

DSD is going to be applying to Uni soon. DH & I sat down over the weekend and worked it out that basically we will really struggle to support her at uni because of the course she wants to do and our combined income means she will get hardly any bursary/loan.

So given her mum has the benefits, would I be unreasonable to suggest that she registers as living with her mum? That way she gets more of a loan and maybe a bursary.

The second part is that I suspect if we did suggest it that his ex will go nuts. She's not the most reasonable of people and any effort required on her part usually ends in disaster. Especially if it comes to anything dealing with the authorities. She has this strange aversion to anyone in authority.

But I can't sleep at the moment with worry. Obviously DH wants his daughter to go to Uni, as do I. But we have two other kids to think about who will be at home for some time to come.

AIBU to want the ex to step up a bit and help out?

OP posts:
Topseyt · 01/07/2014 14:40

I don't see why the ex shouldn't step up. It is her daughter too and she has some responsibility there.

Uni life is very expensive. If you would struggle to feed yourselves and provide for your younger children then of course she should do her bit. It is only filling in a few forms online once a year.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/07/2014 14:43

You don't have to suggest it or tell her - just get dsd to fill in the forms as if that's her main address. It is her main address anyway if child benefit , doctors etc are registered at mums

SallyMcgally · 01/07/2014 14:44

Agree with tops Your DSD's mother has 50% responsibility, and it's not acceptable to 'go nuts' because you're asked to do something for your own daughter's wellbeing. Bollocks to that - she needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

ajandjjmum · 01/07/2014 14:44

I would get your DH to discuss it with DSD, and explain the situation.

hippoinamudhole · 01/07/2014 14:44

I see no reason why not.

We are doing this at the moment. My DH has gone self employed this year so we plan on living on our savings so our DS gets the max grant

Billygoats · 01/07/2014 14:51

I don't understand what you will be paying for?

A student loan will cover her fees then she could get a part time job for all her other expenses like most other students? Or is this not possible?

My parents never paid a penny towards my university other than buy me a mini fridge!

micah · 01/07/2014 15:03

How is she getting child allowance/benefits if her DD isn't registered at her address? As far as I know CB at least is paid to the parent the child is registered as living with (so for school etc..).

You could phone the CB people and see if you can register her correct address with them.

As for Uni, We don't have money for our SC to go, or even our own kids. It's been a long time though so I don't fully understand why they need parental contribution- aren't there loans etc for fees and living costs?

Also- have you looked into the combined income thing? Or do you mean parental income combined? As SM I'm not sure your income has anything to do with things. If it's the household income she's living in then surely registering at her mums to gain eligibility is the way to go? Just tell her it's the only way she gets to keep CB (which it is)

Ibizatime · 01/07/2014 15:03

Billy the problem with going to uni nowadays is the max loan you can get is around 6k and student accommodation is around 6-7, and I know a lot of people who's accommodation is over the amount of loan you get so parental help is expected and needed.

Ibizatime · 01/07/2014 15:05

Micah it's the households income that they take, doesn't matter is the step parent doesn't agree to help or whatever unfortunately

MaidOfStars · 01/07/2014 15:06

Billy the problem with going to uni nowadays is the max loan you can get is around 6k and student accommodation is around 6-7, and I know a lot of people who's accommodation is over the amount of loan you get so parental help is expected and needed

Or you get a job?

Original poster
puzzledassduck · 01/07/2014 15:07

Unfortunately not Billy. She wants to be a midwife so if she is accepted she will be doing 46 weeks a year, half of which will be shift based at hospital. So getting a part time job isn't going to be easy. Plus she'll probably need a car too otherwise how will she get back from hospital if she finishes late? That's the problem. We can probably just about afford to help her out with food and stuff if her loan can cover accommodation. But the rest we're not going to be able to do.

DH has tried to discuss it with ex but they mainly email each other at her request. She says there's nothing to talk about.

The thing we're worried about is if she refuses to help then DSD could be a bit screwed. I assume the ex would need to sign forms and produce payslips to support her claimed income? Honestly I can see her refusing to do that since she always suspects we're trying to screw her when DH only communicates via email and text. Sometimes I wonder if she's paranoid.

She literally makes me mad! We go without yet other than food when DSD is there we've no idea what she spends her money on yet in the past if we've asked for a contribution towards something we get a gob full of how poor she is.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/07/2014 15:10

Surely if dd wants to go to uni then she applies for the loan etc to cover her fees. If a part time job wont then pay for her to live away then she lives at home.

PeppermintInfusion · 01/07/2014 15:10

You would def need some sort of hell from parents to go to uni, especially if you only qualify for the minimum loan etc and part time work is harder to come by these days and also to have any standard of living.

Back when I was at uni (early 2000s) I knew several people of separated/divorced parents who registered with whichever parent earnt less to get the most money. It shouldn't affect the mother in anyway as any child related benefits she has will be stopping anyway.

MyFairyKing · 01/07/2014 15:12

micah Student Finance England take household income into account, so the DSD would get less.

I don't see why the ex would mind. It means her daughter will get a larger grant. Win win. Or is she not fussed about her DD?

MyFairyKing · 01/07/2014 15:13

Many midwifery and nursing students work as an HCA as and when, is this not an option for her?

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 01/07/2014 15:13

It depends - the government works it as about £7000 for living costs for the year. With the maximum loan and no grants, you're short by around £3500, which is a quite a lot, especially if you want to come home in the holidays - you're looking at finding at least two jobs a year.

Also, some universities really discourage you from working, and if people struggle with the workload one I f the first things suggested is they give up working if possible.

If DSD will get grants from using her mum's address I think that's most sensible.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 01/07/2014 15:15

Sorry, x-posted with loads there.

PeppermintInfusion · 01/07/2014 15:18

Help not hellBlush

Could the SD talk to her mum about it to get her round to thinking about it?

Agree medical related degrees aren't always conducive to part time jobs. I know a few nurses who get agency work as those nurse assistant type people (not sure what their title is) while studying. Your study and placement hours are longer and you have less holidays. To pass she needs to sleep and study at some point and also eat something other than value beans, despite what some people seem to think (especially on MN).

Have you looked at bursaries etc? Vocational courses seem to have more on offer.

SallyMcgally · 01/07/2014 15:19

puzzled doesn't sound to me as if your DH's ex is paranoid, sounds as if she knows exactly how to ensure that she can keep as much money to herself as possible. If she doesn't want to deal with the forms, then she doesn't keep the child benefit and you can report her for taking it when she has a non-resident child. Simple as that. Let her shriek as much as she likes, but your DH should be very firm. (I speak from some experience . . . )

TheFairyCaravan · 01/07/2014 15:24

I'm really shocked that people go out of their way to avoid supporting their DC at uni! DS1 was due to go in September, he's not now he's joining the Army on Monday, we filled in all the forms honestly and truthfully. DH works, I am disabled and we have DS2 who is going next year to train as a nurse.

DS1 was offered an okayish loan and grant, not enough that we wouldn't have had to support him. We had already started to identify where we would have to make savings.

Accommodation is nowhere near £6 or £7k. DS1 applied for accommodation at around £3k, but as it turned out he would have been sharing a house if he went at £75 per week.

Just fill in the forms honestly FFS!

Original poster
puzzledassduck · 01/07/2014 15:36

We're more than happy to support her at uni so I resent you saying we're trying to avoid it. We're not avoiding anything but there's a practical limit to what we can do given our disposable income and what DSD needs to live off at Uni and successfully.

Would your DS1 have been able to manage just off the loan part if he didn't get the grant element? Can you make up the shortfall? Like I said earlier we've two other kids at home to feed & clothe not to mention ourselves.

It's not a case of won't pay but realising that what we can pay probably isn't going to be enough. If she was choosing a more traditional course we'd definitely expect her to get a job to help subsidise the cost of living but it doesn't seem realistic in this case.

OP posts:
Sisyphus85 · 01/07/2014 15:36

YANBU to put down DH's ex as the main address. It's a floor in the system that for split parenting they will take either to judge financial circumstance - but that is not your fault so why not take advantage.

I think this need take very little effort from DH's ex. You can fill out all the forms. She will just have to provide a pay slip or P60 and sign a form (unless system now changed from 10 yrs ago)... surely she can't object to that? If she's paranoid about DH asking her for stuff, then why can't this all be done (or presented) by DSD?

It seems to be a mumsnet thing to assume that every one that goes to uni should get a part time job. There are many unis or courses where you simply are not allowed or are not able to work part time during term time. And it is not always straight forward to find temporary work when back for holidays. Maybe your DSD can work a bit as HCA, but until she is settled I guess it would be very hard to budget how many shifts she can really do, and how much that would affect her uni work and uni experience.

PumpkinPie2013 · 01/07/2014 15:39

Will your dsd get an NHS bursary in addition to any student loan? My friend dis midwifery and I seem to remember she got a bursary as well (albeit not much).

She could work part time as a health care assistant - lots of student nurses and midwives do this.

If she really cannot afford a car she should ask at her placements if anyone is willing to car share if they are on the same shift and she contributes to petrol. My mum did this for a student nurse.

She should put her mum's address down on the loan forms. It won't affect her mum at all. Can you dsd get some information and share this with her mum? Perhaps mum doesn't understand the system?

Original poster
puzzledassduck · 01/07/2014 15:49

The NHS bursary isn't much. Nowhere near what's needed.

I guess this will have to come from DSD who unfortunately avoids confrontation with her mum.

I think the bottom line is that DH's ex has gotten too used to the fact DH goes way above & beyond to support his daughter and she's never had to bother. He's been far too soft over the years and it's coming back to bite us both.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 01/07/2014 15:59

If DS1 does go, he isn't giving his place up just yet incase things don't work out in the Army, we will have to make up the shortfall. We have no choice. Things will be very tight here and even tighter still when DS2 goes next year.

We have supported DSS, too, until he left school so I do know how difficult it is to be a second family money wise, but that's not the child's fault at the end of the day!