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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSD & Uni

66 replies

puzzledassduck · 01/07/2014 14:35

I've NC for this in case anyone recognises me and i'm not sure what you will all think to this!

So DSD is nearly 18 and currently at college. She pretty much comes and goes as she pleases. So there's no real custody anymore. Her mum gets all the child benefits etc. We get all the bills.

All the money DSD needs comes from us. In the past this hasn't been a massive issue because we earn a lot more than her and DH's attitude is that it's his daughter so he's more than happy to support her.

So right now her allowance comes from us, her food/travel costs for college, driving lessons, clothing. Entertainment. We pay for all of it. Not a word has ever been uttered to the ex about it. Even her college address is registered to ours. It's been so tough recently with her wanting to learn to drive. It's so much more expensive nowadays!

DSD is going to be applying to Uni soon. DH & I sat down over the weekend and worked it out that basically we will really struggle to support her at uni because of the course she wants to do and our combined income means she will get hardly any bursary/loan.

So given her mum has the benefits, would I be unreasonable to suggest that she registers as living with her mum? That way she gets more of a loan and maybe a bursary.

The second part is that I suspect if we did suggest it that his ex will go nuts. She's not the most reasonable of people and any effort required on her part usually ends in disaster. Especially if it comes to anything dealing with the authorities. She has this strange aversion to anyone in authority.

But I can't sleep at the moment with worry. Obviously DH wants his daughter to go to Uni, as do I. But we have two other kids to think about who will be at home for some time to come.

AIBU to want the ex to step up a bit and help out?

OP posts:
SallyMcgally · 01/07/2014 16:02

But fairy the issue is that things would be a lot easier financially for everyone if DSD used her mother's address for the forms, (as she should do, as that's where the child benefit goes). It's not a matter of the OP refusing to support her DSD.

MammaTJ · 01/07/2014 16:05

Her fees will be paid by the NHS.

She will get a bit of bursary and a student loan. People do manage on this. I know plenty who do.

She will be on placement 50 % of the time, less in the first year, more in the second and more in the third year.

How close are you to uni? Will she need to live in halls? Will she also need to rent where she is on placement?

mumblechum1 · 01/07/2014 16:07

The loan doesn't go anywhere near the actual expenses. DS gets £3,300 per year loan, his accommodation alone is over £5k, and his total expenses over the course of the year are around £12k. He does work but only earns £80 a week at best, and that is dependent on lots of factors.

These days, only the very poorest or the richest can comfortably afford to go to Uni, the people in the middle struggle.

TheFairyCaravan · 01/07/2014 16:11

Sally they should put the address down at which the girl lives. If she lives with her mother, than that's the income Student Finance will use and the mother will have no say in the matter. Likewise if she lives with the father.

Musicaltheatremum · 01/07/2014 16:14

It's your daughter who applies for the loan so she could put what she wants down, the forms are crazy though. We apply through SAAS (Scotland) for my daughter's loan. The minimum is £4.5k and if income less than £34000 you can get more I think.

Georgina1975 · 01/07/2014 16:20

It would be great if every student could find a PT job (like I did). But it is a lot harder to find suitable work nowadays. You also have to be really careful about the hours you work as a FT student. It can have all sorts of implications if something goes wrong with your course.

Anyway. Presumably you know how much you can afford to give DSD? So that is it. DSD and mum will just have to take some responsibility too.

We did this over 11 years with 3 s/children and it worked fine. We gave cash (most recent was £200 a month in term time and £150 during vacation). Mum's contribution was grant/bursary based on her household income and board during vacation - I think all the adults felt it was fair and the kids too. They all worked during the summer holiday and gave mum some board (she saved that over 3 years and gave it back to them at the end which was a really nice surprise).

I guess she will be year-round in nursing but the principle is the same.

If DSD and mum cannot do this then DSD will have to look at alternatives. Something nearer to home? Part-time study? Open University where she could combine healthcare work with nursing study?

PixieofCatan · 01/07/2014 16:26

Can she hold off for a year or two, save as much money as possible and then go?

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/07/2014 16:38

I thought the funding structure for midwifery was rather different from other university courses.

You could find that you and your husband are required to contribute less than you think, puzzledassduck.

Is it not the case that, certainly in some universities, all the course fees will be paid directly by the NHS?

I also thought there was a non-means-tested grant of £1,000 (in addition to the means-tested bursary) and a non-means-tested Reduced Rate student loan of up to £2,324 per year.

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/07/2014 16:40

I meant to add that there are also often additional paid expenses, for example, travel to some placements (and a whole host of others).

thegreylady · 01/07/2014 16:52

The step parent's income does not count at all so in your dsd's case it is her parent's incomes not yours. If you refuse to contribute she will be able to get appropriate loans.

goinggetstough · 01/07/2014 17:01

Sorry grey lady but you are wrong the amount of loan/grant etc depends on the household income of where the student lives. So if she lives her father and stepmother, then it is their incomes that will be used. if she lives with her mother, then it will just be based on her mother's income.

MyFairyKing · 01/07/2014 17:11

Yep going is correct, it is household income.

MammaTJ · 01/07/2014 17:36

I think you will find it is both parents incomes that get taken in to account, regardless of who she lives with.

It is better to go to an open day and one of the financial talks they have there and you will get a pretty clear idea.

Charlieboo30 · 01/07/2014 17:44

When I went to uni (7 years ago) I had to live at home due to cost. Of course, it was easier for me as my uni was 30 mins from home via train. My mum and dad are comfortable (certainly not rich) and we got sod all in maintenance loan. I don't know how I'd have managed to live away (back then you got another £500 a year for living away but still...) or funded a car! Oh and I did have a part time job but with some courses you really can't - PGCE for example.

Charlieboo30 · 01/07/2014 17:45

Forgot to add that one of my 'parents' is my step dad (NEVER refer to him as that though) and his income got taken into account. I think it goes on people in your household.

SquattingNeville · 01/07/2014 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Infinity8 · 01/07/2014 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twizzleship · 01/07/2014 18:56

i think you need to get your SD involved in the details of this....why hasn't she brought this up with her mum? By the sounds of it your husband has always given her money without instilling any sense of personal responsibility and he has allowed his ex to get away with not pulling her weight. about time that all stopped.
Sit her down and explain that you can't afford to fund her uni course and lay out all the options she has that have been mentioned by the posters on this thread. She is an adult and needs to start acting like one. It may well mean that she might have to defer/change to a uni closer to home and live at her mums/opt for p/t or an Open uni course/get a job to fund her own car and fuel....she may not like it but that's just tough -that's life (her life) and she needs to find a way that best deals with it.

Bue · 01/07/2014 20:11

Perfectly possible to have a flexible part time job while studying midwifery. Plenty of the girls on my course have done it. Particularly in the first and second years of the course, I felt I had tons of free time!

Noodledoodledoo · 01/07/2014 21:29

A lot of my friends at uni did Midwifery or Nursing degrees, most had part time jobs and none had a car. All placements were managed without the need for a car at all throughout the 4 years of the course.

One of them worked at McDonalds most weekends as the placements.

fawltydoge · 01/07/2014 21:44

Her fees are paid by the NHS. She gets a non means tested bursary of around 500 a month, plus she can apply for a loan if she wants. I am a student nurse and I get the same as the midwives as far as I'm aware. I work as a CSW in the hospital as and when I can and I'm surviving! I don't have a car, but the bus service is good where I am. She just has to be very careful about time management. It's doable without parental help

fawltydoge · 01/07/2014 21:47

oh, I also worked full time during the summer before I started to give myself a little (tiny) nest egg of savings. Every little helps! Would that be an option?

maddy68 · 01/07/2014 21:51

My daughter has recently finished uni. It didn't cost me a penny. She worked in a supermarket and a pub to pay her way through.
As did many of her friends.

hellskitty · 01/07/2014 21:55

Also some, most I think,Universities have bursaries for households with less than a certain income.DS gets £3k per year from Leeds University

maddening · 01/07/2014 21:58

Either she needs to go to uni locally or her mum needs to step up - would someone that the mum would listen to manage to talk to her?

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