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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he BU?

61 replies

blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 11:23

Some family friends had a tragedy in 2010 when the wife/mum got cancer and died within three months. They had a DS, who was 19 at the time and in his first year at university, and a DD, who was 16 and had just finished her GCSE exams.

The husband met another woman and he split his time between her home in Surrey and their home in Shropshire. The DS was away but the DD was doing her A levels. After she went to university, he sold the family home. He bought another one locally for the DS and DD, and he went to live with his partner, occasionally popping back to the house he'd bought for the children.

After the DD graduated last year he sold that house and bought another with new DP. His DD is now coming to the end of her PGCE.

Anyway, we saw them last night and I was pretty Shock at the complaints about the children from his first marriage. The complaints were:

Dd kept "following him around" and he sold the house to make her independent.

They both ask for money.

Because of this his new partner "isn't keen" because they don't "stand on their own two feet" so the children have never been to stay with their dad at his other house.

The dd wanted just her dad there when she graduated but the new DP went and didn't feel welcome.

Both DCs got upset when the dad sold the house and dd argued she was still studying, but she is earning so could rent somewhere.

Do the kids sound lazy and spoilt to you ? Honestly?

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 01/07/2014 11:28

No.

His new partner sounds like a money grabbing gold digger who wants his dead wifes money.

They are young adults who lost their mother. He is probably still grieving but comes across as a shit dad.

Was it his house to sell?

Original poster
blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 11:30

Do you mean the new one he bought for the children? Yes.

Interestingly he won't remarry for financial reasons: that said, he lost thousands on the house (the "family home.")

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/07/2014 11:34

No they don't sound lazy and spoiled - their life has been turned upside down by the death of their mum and need to re-adjust to a new way of life.

Are you the new partner OP?

beccajoh · 01/07/2014 11:35

Poor kids. Lost their mum and their dad doesn't seem to care Sad

MaxPepsi · 01/07/2014 11:38

I meant the family home.

When we were young, it was in my parents will (and potentially still is) that if one died, whilst the house would go to them it wouldn't actually be theirs as it was to be for us children. Basically, so that A.N. Other couldn't come in and take it away!

ithoughtofitfirst · 01/07/2014 11:43

Does seem a smidge insensitive

pictish · 01/07/2014 11:46

No they don't sound spoiled.
Their dad does appear to be quite detached from his role as a parent though, which is a terrible shame.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 01/07/2014 11:50

No, they sound like they want their Dad to care.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 11:53

What is your true connection here ?

Original poster
blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 11:55

Of course I'm not the new partner Hmm

I am the daughter. Pretty unpleasant position to be in.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 11:59

Don't give me the Hmm look, you should have been honest in your OP

Having said that, I feel sorry for you and your sibling. It looks like you have both been treated as rather inconvenient baggage. That sucks Thanks

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/07/2014 12:02

Not sure why you have done the Hmm fave - why of course you are not the partner - you weren't clear but it was obvious you were directly involved somewhere, be it daughter or partner.

You have my sympathy. My mum died in 2010 and I was a lot older than you - 39 at the time - and it was still really really hard. My dad has a new lady friend now who he is totally obsessed with and again I struggle - not because of the fact that he has a new partner but because she is horrible.

Shitty situation all round.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/07/2014 12:04

If you're the daughter how do you know he is complaining about you?

Why do you say you keep asking him for money? Confused

You're a teacher now?

pictish · 01/07/2014 12:08

I'm sorry OP that totally sucks.
My fil did the same after he left mil for the other woman. Dh was 19, his brother 17. He checked out of his marriage, and to all intents and purposes, his role as a father. Same deal - the new woman thought they should stand on their own two feet and if they tripped up that would be their own fault for just not trying hard enough.
Don't get me wrong - I don't blame smil. Fil allowed her to dictate his relationship with his sons, like the minion he was, and still is.

I tolerate the man, but I can't honestly say as I like him. We are polar opposites.

Original poster
blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 12:16

It wasn't the 'look' - I was genuinely surprised you'd think that.

I didn't want to be honest as I wanted things to be detached and I don't feel I can be detached enough as 'me.'

OP posts:
Icimoi · 01/07/2014 12:17

Off the point I know, but if you were doing GCSEs at 16 in 2010, how come you've now graduated? Or do you mean graduated from school?

Also not sure if I've got the facts right - did he use the proceeds of the family home solely to buy the house that dd and ds were using, and has he now used all the proceeds of that house to buy the new house for himself and his new partner? Or when you say your father sold the house to make you independent, does that mean that you and your brother get the proceeds?

But no, wanting your father's attention as a young adult when you have lost your mother tragically early isn't lazy and spoilt.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 12:21

I didn't think anything other than you were more connected than your OP said.

Interesting that you jumped to a certain conclusion and I didn't

"Reverse" threads or where you misrespresent by posting from another angle rarely go down well on MN, tbh. They have a dishonest feel and respondents don't like to think they have been manipulated.

You could have simply asked in a straightforward manner and got the support you clearly deserve

Original poster
blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 12:22

Sorry, some new posts as I was typing.

My aunt recounted the conversation my Dad had with his DP, aunt and uncle.

I keep asking for money as I start my first teaching post in September and need some money to rent a room, eat and just generally live. I do work by the way but it doesn't pay very well. Obviously when I start teaching I'll be able to 'stand on my own two feet.'

I just wish I knew why our lovely dad has decided he doesn't want anything to do with either of us! I tried to explain as 'me' but it all got too emotional.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 01/07/2014 12:27

Blue it's so hard isn't it. My dad is totally obsessed by his lady friend whereas he would rather spend time with her than us kids and also in my eyes he treats her better than he treated my mum which really pisses me off.

There is no defense for your dad apart from the fact that he is probably thinking he has a second chance of love and it probably stops him grieving quite so much for your mum. No excuse of course but he has been through the mill too.

Hopefully in time the mist and love goggles will subside and he will realise what a fool he is being with regards his children.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/07/2014 12:27

The short answer is that he's an arse - the long one is that he feels guilty, that you are a reminder of your mum and his previous life, that the only way he can cope is to cut off from his previous life.

He may not be aware of any of this and instead has made up some crap in his head about how you're an adult etc etc

AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 12:37

I think Laurie has articulated his mindset.

Original poster
blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 12:51

Thanks.

I guess brother and I are on our own then?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2014 12:58

How old are you ?

HayDayQueen · 01/07/2014 12:58

Oh Blue - that sucks so badly!!!!

I'm sorry to say that yes, you and your brother are on your own.

My uncle has done a similar thing to his DC, fortunately they're a lot older and more set up than you are. He's only half alive though.

Laurie is right, he's cutting you off because you remind him too much of his grief and previous life. And he's an arse. They can go hand in hand.

Original poster
blueandlilachills · 01/07/2014 13:36

I'm 22.

OP posts: