Is he BU?

[blueandlilachills]

Some family friends had a tragedy in 2010 when the wife/mum got cancer and died within three months. They had a DS, who was 19 at the time and in his first year at university, and a DD, who was 16 and had just finished her GCSE exams.

The husband met another woman and he split his time between her home in Surrey and their home in Shropshire. The DS was away but the DD was doing her A levels. After she went to university, he sold the family home. He bought another one locally for the DS and DD, and he went to live with his partner, occasionally popping back to the house he'd bought for the children.

After the DD graduated last year he sold that house and bought another with new DP. His DD is now coming to the end of her PGCE.

Anyway, we saw them last night and I was pretty at the complaints about the children from his first marriage. The complaints were:

Dd kept "following him around" and he sold the house to make her independent.

They both ask for money.

Because of this his new partner "isn't keen" because they don't "stand on their own two feet" so the children have never been to stay with their dad at his other house.

The dd wanted just her dad there when she graduated but the new DP went and didn't feel welcome.

Both DCs got upset when the dad sold the house and dd argued she was still studying, but she is earning so could rent somewhere.

Do the kids sound lazy and spoilt to you ? Honestly?

Then as rough as it is (and it is) then you really do need to stand on your own two feet. Stop relying on him for emotional support. Ask for what you need (and only need) to get you through this financial hump until you start your first job and then drop contact

I don't mean cut contact entirely but leave the ball in his court

At the moment you are relyign their financial good will (and to be fair, i wouldn't be too pleased at still having to give money to my own daughter at 22) but I assume this was agreed and he should see it through. After that...your life is your own

and let's be honest here. we are all alone in this world and we have to look to ourselves ultimately

relying on

I actually see it from your Dad's pov sorry. He is very similar to ypurs and has a new wife. They foster independence and at 22 would also have expected me to fund myself even though they were rich.

I am bitter about some things, but I also know that is my problem not theres

I have to say, I agree with AF.

It's pretty common to see parents posting on here complaining that their adult children aren't properly independent yet.

FWIW, my dad died when I was 16 (just before my GCSEs) and my mum remarried when I was 18. In remarrying, she sold the family home to set up hundreds of miles away with my step dad, lost her widow's pension AND I lost the right to have my university fees paid. So I do have a sense of how it was for you. But, much more importantly, my mum was happy. And so I was too.

I think you dad has done a lot to maintain stability for you and your brother for quite a long time, and is entitled to make his own life.

All that said, I'm sorry for your loss.

I also don't see, from what you've posted, why you've concluded that your dad doesn't want anything to do with you? Is it the not staying at his new home? Apologies if I've missed it.

That must have been hard cinnar.

Please don't misunderstand me though, i don't call him asking for money for non essentials. The problem is that since I'm technically still a student (although course has finished) I live in student accommodation. This is paid for with my money from the course but in holidays I no longer have a base, a home to go to. So three times now (Christmas, Easter and now) I've had to pay for temporary lodgings which has been very expensive. I was also in a bad car accident (it wasn't my fault!) in December, and this was expensive as I need a car for my course, as I was placed on the understanding I could drive, if you see what I mean.

I told my Dad I could pay him back when I start teaching, and he said it didn't matter. But it's more that he never wants to hear from me, I can call once a week as his new partner does a language course on that day, I have to spend Christmas on my own, I didn't bother graduating as there was no one to come. It sort of feels as if the dad I knew is dead.

It does annoy me as his DP has an adult son who lives with them, and it feels very unfair.

Cinnar, he doesn't visit us, we aren't allowed to visit him, he allows us one phone slot a week, we spend Christmas alone, the list is never ending really and probably some of it is petty but it doesn't feel petty, like the fact that there aren't any photos of my brother or I at graduation or anything like that but the walls are adorned with pictures of his partners DS (and this is meant to be a home they both own.)

Maybe it is petty but it really hurts.

Anyway I have a shift now but thanks, it's really upsetting me and I don't know how to talk about it with anybody.

OK, I take it all back - that sounds deeply unfair and upsetting.

His new partner sounds controlling in the extreme.

I would actually (once you're back on your feet) see if you can find a way to ask him if he's OK. Men can be victims of domestic abuse too.

He'd go absolutely mad if I did - honestly!

He did say that he cared about her more than my brother or myself which hurt - it was only a year or so after we lost our mum so the relationship was still pretty new.

I think I just feel very lonely and very lost at times.

well, aside from the money side of things, which I think you need to try and sort without your DF's assistance, that sounds really crap. It almost sounds like some kind of Cinderella situation. Do you think your DF is being abused?

But to not be 'allowed' to visit your father, ring him whenever, spend Christmas - that's really bad. And to have lost not just your mother but also the home where you grew up - of course, I understand it's your father's house (as you and your brother where growing up and moving on to uni) - still, to have those connections gone must be really tough.

River - the problem is that I've been a FT student until recently but my outgoings are a lot due to having to pay for temp accommodation in holiday periods.

Sometimes I can sleep at work but other times I need a room.

OP I think it is really sad that your dad is distancing himself from his kids to please his new partner. It is text book stuff for 'wicked' stepparents to suggest the stepchildren should be 'more independent' which basically means 'give your kids less and me more'. It doesn't matter what the age of the kids.

A mate of mine found out that her stepmother discouraged her dad from paying child support when she was less than 10, and that this was a key factor in her childhood of near poverty and neglect by her mother who constantly had to work to make ends meet. I pretty much had to learn everything in life by fucking up, landing on my face then pulling myself up by the bootstraps, because my stepdad convinced my mum that neglect was the best thing she could do to teach me independence - from the age of about 9. (I know, bring out the violin) I now know that it is normal and expected for parents to teach their kids and support them, and I see the advantages this nurturing and security has given adults around me, especially for those who have parents who continue to support and nurture even into adulthood.

Unfortunately you are not one of these lucky ones.

However, excuse the pop psychology, but apparently according to Benjamin Fry people express a lot of anger through money. Could it be the case that, rather than needing money, you ask your dad for it because you want him to demonstrate that he cares?

Sorry my last post took ages to send, and you have discussed the money a bit since

yes, but that's the same for everyone who's been a student. Get an overdraft put in place. At 22, with your education behind you and now you're in work, you need to get your head around supporting yourself. Why can you not now get a permanent place to live?

River - I'm a teacher training student. My course involved 3 short term placements of less than two months. I had to live in student accommodation at this point. The problem is this was then closed off to me during holidays so I needed to find accommodation for 4-6 weeks which wasn't possible unfortunately - so I either stayed at work , my car or relied on b n b type accommodation. This was obviously expensive.

Most students or certainly my friends had the option of going home so didn't have to pay rent and things like food for example were paid for and obviously this hasn't been the case here.

I'm not in work until September. I work at the moment but as it's a zero hours contract work is unpredictable.

I have had a very similar situation and to be honest I think IMHO that this is more about the abandonment you are experiencing than the financials.
My mum died and my Dad remarried very quickly and cut us all out of his life except my DS who happens to live 3000 miles away - no impact to his new life.
Best thing you can do is make a life for yourself and your DB.

It isn't financial - I've asked for very little.

Some money for car repairs in December.

£100 for a room for 3 nights (Easter)

Two lots of £50 in June as things were busy and I couldn't fit many shifts in and I was running v low.

That's it.

OP, you have my heartfelt sympathies. You are a year older than my daughter who is still studying, I have a son studying too. I lost my husband, their father 2 years ago. (They were 16 and 18) You must be very hurt and upset at this. Losing a parent at such a young age is devastating and you have done so well to get as far as you can. Yes you need to be independent but I would like to think that I am always here for my children. To have to stay alone at Christmas and the holidays is awful.
We should be independent but we should always be able to turn to our parents in times of need, especially emotional need. I am 50 and my parents 77 and 81 and I can still go to them for support.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It is VERY unfair!

Unfortunately, we can't choose our 'real' families. BUT we can make a new 'family'. And as hard as it would be, I think you and brother need to start building a new one from friends and other relatives. You don't mention it, but are there relatives from your late mum's family you can spend time with? Grandparents? Friend's families? At the very least you and DB need to make time for each other & keep contact with your father to a minimum.

Won't solve your current money situation, but it will help you to have emotional help and love in the future.

No grandparents, one very odd aunt :)

We have lovely friends though. Thank you.

OP this has literally made me cry. I am pregnant and have a little boy and the thought of them in 20 years time with no one to spend Christmas with is beyond horrible. It's not just that your dad is treating you unfairly, I literally cannot imagine any parent acting this way towards a child. You were a child still (in my eyes) when you lost your mum and your home has been taken away from you. It's an understatement to say you have my sympathies. On a practical note, I think you need to make sure you get the emotional support you need to deal with the loss of both your mum and what sounds like the loss of your dad's support and involvement. Congratulations by the way on how far you've got with your degree and professional life - you sound like an amazing young woman. Concentrate on this and on making your own, new home, hopefully surrounded by friends and people who love you.
How does your brother feel about it? 19 is also so so young. Where does he spend Christmas and holidays and could you stay with him? Have you outright asked your dad if you can stay with him at the new house and he's said no? I'm not for a moment doubting what you've said about feeling unwelcome, it would just be awful if he thought you didn't want to come because you don't like his dp and it had been a misunderstanding. If not (and it sounds like not) they are both just appalling.
Sending distinctly un-mumsnetty but extremely heartfelt hugs.

I really feel for you, OP. I think your Dad has behaved very badly. One of my aunts has been in a similar position to your step mum... She is divorced with two kids, moved in with a guy who's wife died a couple of years before when his children were about the age you and your brother were. She bought them out of their mums half of the house, so they had a nice nest egg, which they used to buy a flat together. It's a big house, five bedrooms, so until very recently it was the home of all four children whenever ey were home from university or at Christmas or special occasions. My aunt found her steps a bit annoying sometimes, but she was always kind and welcoming to them, and their dad made sure they never wanted for anything. I'm not saying this to rub it in, just to say that's how your dad should have behaved.

What does your brother do, by the way? Can you spend Christmas with him? I know my big brother wouldn't have let me sleep in my car if he could have helped me at all... Are you close or is he not in a position to help?

The cost of living, and especially of accommodation, has increased massively for the current young generation (and debt has, as well), so the older generation don't really know... unless they care enough to find out...

Good luck to you and your brother! Don't let this make you bitter, or if it does, only against your father and SM. The rest of the world can still be on your side.

Then gather those friends around and make a family. We 'adopted' a friend of DS1's when he was a little younger than you are (his parents were druggies). He spent holidays with us and knew he could call on us anytime for a hot meal or a warm hug. He's now moved far from us, but we still consider him our 'third son'.

I don't think the kids are being unreasonable at all, I think he's being selfish, his priorities are way out of whack and his partner sounds like a controlling interfering cow! How dare she insist on attending DDs graduation when she didn't want her there??? its none of her business!