Is he BU?

[blueandlilachills]

Some family friends had a tragedy in 2010 when the wife/mum got cancer and died within three months. They had a DS, who was 19 at the time and in his first year at university, and a DD, who was 16 and had just finished her GCSE exams.

The husband met another woman and he split his time between her home in Surrey and their home in Shropshire. The DS was away but the DD was doing her A levels. After she went to university, he sold the family home. He bought another one locally for the DS and DD, and he went to live with his partner, occasionally popping back to the house he'd bought for the children.

After the DD graduated last year he sold that house and bought another with new DP. His DD is now coming to the end of her PGCE.

Anyway, we saw them last night and I was pretty at the complaints about the children from his first marriage. The complaints were:

Dd kept "following him around" and he sold the house to make her independent.

They both ask for money.

Because of this his new partner "isn't keen" because they don't "stand on their own two feet" so the children have never been to stay with their dad at his other house.

The dd wanted just her dad there when she graduated but the new DP went and didn't feel welcome.

Both DCs got upset when the dad sold the house and dd argued she was still studying, but she is earning so could rent somewhere.

Do the kids sound lazy and spoilt to you ? Honestly?

Reiterating sympathies for you and your brother OP, it is indeed pretty shitty.

I'm glad you have the 'odd' aunt and (more importantly) each other as well as friends.

You sound like you're doing great despite everything and best of luck in your new career; I'm almost certain you'll thrive.

PS AF, you do make me

OP I'm sorry but I'm confused (admittedly doesn't take much...)

Your mum died in 2010 when you were 16 and just post-GCSEs, but four years later you're 22?

You didn't bother graduating as there was no one to come, but your dad's new DP came to your graduation with him despite you not wanting her there?

Could you clarify?

Sounds really shitty, but all I can say at the age of 60, is that looking back all the bad times put me in a really good position to have good times in the future.

I do hope that you find this to be true.

At least you've saved yourselves from the job of changing your father's nappies when he gets old and incontinent.

Reading this reminds me of another thread running (where the OP's parents want to buy her a house. Some of us cautioned leaving the new house in trust to her children). No matter how much you think your DP/DH or DW love you/your children, if you died and they did meet another partner, you have no control what happens to your joint assets unless you have made proper, independent provision for your children.

Even if you feel you cannot leave the house in trust to your children (say for eg where your DH has bought it) there are things like workplace or private pension funds and insurance policies. All of these can be left in trust to your children (in fact it takes insurance policy funds outside inheritance tax).

It is really important for parents to make a will and state that your half of the estate goes to the kids in the event of your death and to not trust that your partner will do the best for them. It takes some horrible thought experiments but it needs to be done so that your kids don't end up like the OP

YANBU at all. That's really tough, heartbreaking stuff to deal with. Where is your brother through out all of this?

SignYourName - sorry, my fault.

Mum died 2008 but I left school 2010 as I stayed on to do A levels. For some reason I was thinking A level exams not GCSEs.

Dad came to my undergraduate graduation but his partner came - it was awkward. The PGCE graduation was the one I meant.

My brother is a long complicated story but he lives in a house share so can't really visit him much as it's a long way away and you can't stay over.

Have you thought about moving closer to your brother when you finish your studies? I understand you may not want to live in each other's pockets (love my own bro, but we couldn't live together) but it's nice that he lives close by. In our younger years we were like 'ships that pass in the night', our lives were very different. But now that we are (ahem) 'older' we've found that we mean a lot to each other, different though we are as people.

Again, I think it's important that you build yourself a support network, that 'other family' I keep nattering on about . It will be easier to gather those people around once you are out of school & have your own place. But it's also important to recognize that you cannot change your dad. Yes, what is has done is massively unfair, but there is nothing you can do about it. Don't waste valuable energy trying to change him or in anger at what he's done. You are young and should be devoting your time & energy to building your future. I know you are in a really tough situation, money-wise, but these days WILL end, probably sooner than you think. Frankly, I'd keep any contact with him to a bare minimum or go NC until/if the times comes that his decisions have lost the power to hurt you. I know it's hard to realize it now, but you will meet someone and have children of your own someday. Look forward, not back.

Poor kids. Dad putting new partner before them. Do they gave other family. Can you be their family op

Oh op is daughter. Sorry your dad us bu but nothing you can do. Feel for you and your brother

Your stepmother is a bitch but your dad is allowing himself to be controlled by her.

I feel for you OP I really do and you don't sound lazy or spoilt to me.