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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not punish DD16 after this party?

67 replies

primoserock · 01/07/2014 01:00

Hi all, first time poster here. Daughter is 16 (17 in a few days) and went out on Saturday night to celebrate the end of the school year. There was a party at the house of a boy in her year, with older siblings around and parents in town so they could come back. We live 5 mins walk away, DD knows the boy well and she has been to his before and had a great time. However, DD does not normally drink like her peers, is quite small and skinny and exhausted from the end of term. Ended up throwing up and passed out (she was not the only one) after 3 beers (which she shared with her boyfriend). Boyfriend rang us from her phone and I drove to pick her and him up (he slept on our sofa).

Now, the tricky bit is whether to actually punish DD or not for what happened. She is remorseful (who wouldn't be with a whacking great hangover) and apologetic, out of embarrassment and actual shame. She is a very sensible girl normally, and although she clearly did not know her limits (which I have talked to her seriously about) she did not drink with the intention of getting drunk. However, I don't want to necessarily punish her, because a) she didn't really break any rules or do anything morally reprehensible, and b) punishment would not necessarily help to enforce a message about drinking responsibly.
We will unquestionably give her more serious talks about responsibility if she is going to drink, and expect her absolute best behaviour from now on, but we also want to help her put it behind her and learn from it. We are just glad she was not far away and with good friends who took care of her. It happens to all of us after all.
So, would I be I being unreasonable to not punish her for a silly, naive but ultimately minor incident?
Sorry for the essay! Thank you

OP posts:

BomberManIsAGirl · 01/07/2014 01:13

I think not punishing her sounds ok. She was daft but feeling sick is a great punishment all by itself.
The only thing I would do is be more strict/controlling/naggy when she next goes to a party. For example, I think you would be reasonable to ask her to come home promptly or not to stay over at a friends etc. IYSWIM

It is easy to accidentally over drink at that age.

Vida · 01/07/2014 01:40

I wouldn't punish at 16/17. She's had a lesson in her limits, a hangover and that's enough. And it doesn't sound like she was being silly actually, if all she had was three beers or less. It's not like half a bottle of vodka.

That said, I've never known anyone - skinny, young or not - to pass out after less than three beers. Who knows though.

Either way, it's just a year until she's an adult so I don't think childlike 'punishment' is appropriate

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2014 01:46

At that age, I often went a day or two without eating, and I once threw up after 1.5 beers. It's definitely possible.

OldLadyKnowsSomething · 01/07/2014 02:00

I suspect she had more than three shared beers, but no further punishment is needed. She's already learned that lesson. (How do you learn your drinking limits without exceeding them at least once?)

Nalia · 01/07/2014 02:03

I got so sick off two glasses of wine at that age! It's part of learning about alcohol. I wouldn't punish her. It's not like she was sitting out in a park downing a bottle of vodka.

HerRoyalNotness · 01/07/2014 02:03

I wouldn't punish and I would commend the boyfriend for calling you to go get them. Very sensible indeed.

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 01/07/2014 02:17

I wouldn't punish her. I'd make sure her BF knew he did the right thing in calling you and that they both know to call you again if they have a problem.

ThatVikRinA22 · 01/07/2014 02:36

its a right of passage at that age....dont punish. she has hopefully learnt that its just not worth the hangover....

cricketpitch · 01/07/2014 05:57

Don't punish. She made a mistake - many of us did at that age and since.

Her boyfriend was really sensible - you are lucky. It is often what happens because we are too scared to call parents in case we get into trouble that is dangerous.

She'll have learnt from the experience

SanityClause · 01/07/2014 06:06

No need to punish - as usual, it's far better for her to live with the consequences of her actions!

Chumhum · 01/07/2014 06:11

She'll be punishing herself anyway.

3littlefrogs · 01/07/2014 06:50

Poor kid.
She will have learned from this.

TBH I think 16 is still too young to have parties with no responsible adults in the house. IMO older siblings don't count .

Don't punish her. She was in a situation she couldn't handle.

Sassyb0703 · 01/07/2014 06:57

punish for what ? she got pissed for the first time at nearly 17 ! two of my four teenagers are the 'sensible quiet studious types..' but both had their moments with alcohol, the drink of choice among teenagers being vodka - it's colour lending itself to numerous disguises ie water bottles, with orange in sports drink bottles...of course to a new drinker it also makes them fall over quickly...a hangover or two usually makes the sensible ones decide they don't have time for hangovers in their lives and get back to normal behaviour, the less sensible ones however....but punishment ? she is not 7yrs old. If I had punished my dc or had been punished myself that age for bad choices it would have had a very very bad outcome . My response has always been tea and sympathy with ALL teenage experiences, that way they are more likely to discuss things honestly in their own time. Punishment will never stop teenagers drinking/taking drugs/sex but it will sure as he'll stop them talking to you about it, then you have lost them.

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 01/07/2014 06:57

What a sensible boyfriend your dd has. Some boys (and girls)would have panicked, expected you to be angry and been to scared to phone you.
I wouldn't punish her but i would have a chat about keeping herself safe when she drinks alcohol.

Iactuallydothinkso · 01/07/2014 06:59

I did the same when I was 16. The police had to bring me home. I also threw up at home and may also have soiled myself..... My parents never said a word. Still haven't.

The embarrassment is enough trust me.

Delphiniumsblue · 01/07/2014 07:05

I can't see why it needs punishment. She made a mistake and learnt a lot through it- be pleased that she has a very responsible boyfriend.
You want her coming to you for help in tight situations- not keeping it from you in fear of a punishment.

OwlCapone · 01/07/2014 07:12

I believe that you probably need to get drunk to the point of throwing up at least once to learn to recognise the point at which you should have stopped. The way you feel the next day is punishment enough.

Delphiniumsblue · 01/07/2014 07:13

I only know exactly how much I can drink by learning the hard way when young.

Nosynora · 01/07/2014 07:21

I wouldn't punish because at the end of the day you want your children to be safe and come to you if they're in trouble but would talk to her about how different the situation would be if she wasn't with a person sensible enough to call her parents

AlpacaPicnic · 01/07/2014 07:24

She is genuinely remorseful and embarrassed to boot...
No punishment needed, the shame is enough.
I would totally rag on her about it for a bit, in a funny way though!

YouTheCat · 01/07/2014 07:25

Punishing would be counter productive. They wouldn't come to you in a crisis in future probably if they thought they'd get a bollocking.

ExcuseTypos · 01/07/2014 07:26

Id thank her boyfriend for phoning you when she was in trouble. A lot of teenagers would try to cover it up for fear of the parents knowing.

He did the sensible thing-so don't punish her.

HappyAgainOneDay · 01/07/2014 07:26

She has had enough without more in the way of punishment. I would not have been brave enough to let my parents see me like that even though your DD had no choice. I think other posters are right to say that she's probably awfully embarrassed to know that you know about her possibly soon to be private life.

Jinglebellsarecoming · 01/07/2014 07:30

I agree, no punishment and I personally would show my appreciation verbally of how well the boyfriend dealt with the situation and acknowledge her knowing it was silly etc etc. dealing well with mistakes is positive behaviour that should be encouraged as let's face it we all mess up and it's how we deal with them that shows the measure of the person.

stealthsquiggle · 01/07/2014 07:31

I would commend boyfriend on having done the right thing by calling and leave it at that.

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