AIBU to feel left out by these friends?

[chesterberry]

I have three friends who I'll call Katie, Laura and Rachel. We meet up most weekends and have been friends for years (met at uni).

As a bit of backstory my ex-partner left me about fourteen months ago when I was pregnant with my DD. Katie and Laura are married (Laura has a DC) and Rachel engaged. Katie’s husband has a military job and is posted in another country. Previously to my partner leaving and Katie’s partner going overseas the four of us used to get together for dinner with our partners from time to time. Our partners all got along but were quite different and didn’t see each other independently of us, I wouldn’t call any of them friends as such.

A couple of weeks ago the four of us were having lunch and Katie was talking about her DH’s visit back to the UK for a week. She’d booked a week off work and was talking about what they was going to do, and this included meeting Laura, Rachel and their partners for dinner. They would have met up last-weekend. I felt a little left-out that I wasn’t invited seemingly for not having a DP but they were talking about it in front of me so obviously didn’t feel it was a big deal and I decided I was probably just being over-sensitive.

However, I woke up this morning and see on facebook that the three of them went out last night (without partners), they’ve posted lots of photos and statuses tagging each other and talking about the great night they were having. I wasn’t invited.

I feel really left out, I was able to justify not being invited out for dinner with everybody’s DP’s as I don’t have a long-term DP but I can’t understand why they haven’t invited me to this. We do of course sometimes see each other outside of the foursome but usually just for coffee or a walk around the shops, not for a big night out. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited, but again they haven’t tried to hide it from me as it’s plastered all over facebook so maybe they don’t think it’s a big deal. But then I think maybe they are trying to hurt me/ make a point?

AIBU to feel left out and like maybe they’re trying to drop me from the regular meet-ups? Obviously they have a right to see each other without me but going out as a three is just not something we’ve ever really done before (unless one person couldn't come, but they'd at least be invited). I feel I should broach it with them but then I worry I can’t do that without coming across as clingy or over-sensitive. Tell me, am I being clingy and over-sensitive? AIBU?

Thanks.

You nwed to ask. As you say if its all over fb they dont intend it ( or are deliberatly being nasty which if there's no back story seems unlikely). Any chance a couple of the partners dropped out so tbe remaining man decidednot to bother or left them to it after half an hour?
Not saying its ok but at least ask them, give them a chance to apoologise or explain

I'd feel pissed off and hurt.

I would have to get it off my chest and not stew on it. Give one of them a call and ask why you weren't invited.

Yanbu at all I would feel hurt too. Mabey under the pictures, say nice photos look like you had a great time, would have loved to have come sort of thing.

Yes would call if message them as you say sound close don't stew.

I also don't think that going out with partners is an excuse not to invite you.

The only possible explanation is that they thought you wouldn't be able to come y'know being a single mum to a lo? Maybe ask why you weren't invited and then if you don't like the answer delete them from fb?

Yanbu op I would be very hurt in that situation. I also think it's rubbish when singletons get excluded from stuff too.

No I agree tobys but at least you can see the logic for it and it's not personal

Thanks for the responses everyone. Don't think it could have been meant to be a couple's thing at Katie's DH was only back in the UK for a week, he's back overseas now so couldn't have come. It is possible that it was organised when they met up for dinner with their DP's hence why I wasn't involved, but normally if it happened that something was arranged when one of us wasn't there for whatever reason we would still then invite the other person. I can't think of any situation in the past four years or so in which three of us have gotten together without inviting the other (or one of us being on holiday or similar).

Also it's good to know that many of you think that leaving me out for being single wasn't really on either. I felt like that but thought I was being over-sensitive.

It is possible they thought I wouldn't be able to come due to my DD, I have had to turn things down in the past because I didn't have childcare but I am very lucky to have a couple of friends who are happy to babysit occasionally. I don't know whether I would have been able to find childcare on this occasion but I could have tried.

I suppose I do need to breach it with them but I just don't know how without either sounding passive-aggressive or just sounding over-sensitive. If they have done it by accident and feel it's no big deal I guess hopefully they will just apologise and say they didn't think but my fear is that it's intentional and if I bring it up I'll just add more fuel to their reasons. I guess in that case I should feel glad to have found out but they have always been, up to the last few weeks, very good friends. I am worried maybe I have done something to upset them.

How would you broach this with a good friend? Should I facebook message them all and just ask how come I wasn't invited or call one of them individually?

Thanks again for everybody's responses - it helps to know it's not me feeling unreasonably hurt here and that I have a valid reason to feel like this.

Are you closer to one in particular.

I don't do FB so would advise a call; keep it breezy and just say, light heartedly:

Any reason why I was left at home like Billy-no-mates while you lot were on a jolly .

Keep it breezy.

Id call the one most likely to tell the truth and ask her to be honest. But id want to know and not e fobbed off with platitudes

And I genuinely think it will end up being a misunderstanding btw. Suspect they'll be upset wit themselves. Unless one of them is called wendy :o

I,d be upset too even if you couldn't make it due to childcare its always nice to be asked .

Actually sandiegos message is also good although of there is something goibg on has less potential for honesty

I think it's dreadful they didn't ask but I would talk to the one you are closest too. Maybe arrange a coffee or something .

It's hurtful when this happens.

I introduced friend A to friend B - we socialised together with our DC - we agreed we would arrange a spa day together ..... Roll on a few weeks, 'friends' A&B go to a spa for the day .... It really stung. Maybe petty of me, but I've avoided them since, I feel like a spare part around them.

Is it possibly that Katie's DH is still good friends with your ex (and possibly the other DH/Ps?). that might explain being missed out on the meet up with partners, if they are seeing him separately it could be they feel htey can't invite you to that.

The woman only night out might have been arranged at the couples night out.

Often if you are friends with people as a couple, when you split up, at least one or often both of a couple end up losing the friends. People either take the other side, or they don't want to be seen as taking sides, so deal with it by ending up being a crap friend to both parties.

Welcome to the world of single parenthood. When I was with my ex we used to get invites to places/friends (these are my friends not his and were long before he came along) and then he left and now it is very rare that I am invited anywhere at the weekend.

Weekend is family time and apparently, this seems, family comes as a couple. I have quite blatantly said that now I am a single parent I do not get invites anywhere anymore in front of those guilty of ignoring my existence at the weekend.....during the week is fine. However, I work during the week so rarely manage to meet up with anyone plus it makes me sad/angry/hurt that I am only considered when their partners aren't there.

Mentioning it has made no difference at all. It can be a very lonely life as a single parent and its very common to be left out of things that you would have gone to. I am sorry this is happening to you it's shit.

Okay, thank you. I thought I was closest to Katie although as she is the one who organised the couple's thing without me I don't know. I was pretty surprised she'd left me out, especially as I've known her DH the longest and get on with him fairly well. Maybe her feeling okay leaving me out felt like the go-ahead to the other two to do the same. I don't know whose idea going out last night was.

I am a bit terrified at calling any of them as it will be quite out of character for me to raise something like this (I guess I can be a bit of a push-over) and, outside of meeting up, we usually stay in contact through text/facebook but maybe a call will just highlight that I am upset by this. I will try and build up the courage to call Katie later.

Thanks again for the advice and I'm reassured by the fact everyone agrees that they shouldn't have left me out (although a bit terrified as if it's that obvious there surely must be a reason...).

If it's playing on your mind I'd ask but prepare yourself for the fact that they might try and fob you off with a lame excuse.

I'd be hurt too. But if you've been good friends right up until now, is it possible that there are some crossed wires somewhere? If you've turned down a few things in the past because of childcare that's maybe why they didn't ask, although it's really poor not to have extended the invitation, even if they didn't think you could make it.

I think I'd say something breezy and cheerful along the lines of 'Sorry to have missed you while you were back - let me know next time so I can sort out some childcare and have a proper catch up!'

Is it possibly that Katie's DH is still good friends with your ex (and possibly the other DH/Ps?)

I really don't think so. My ex and I do have some mutual friends (although he now lives several hundred miles away back in his home-town so doesn't see them much) but the DPs of my friends were always just that, the DPs of my friends. My ex was happy to get on with them and meet up with them along with me and my friends but he wasn't friends with them independently and wouldn't have ever met up with them without me. I'm fairly sure none of the DPs are friends outside of the times they meet up with us and they don't see each without their wives/girlfriends.

YANBU to feel hurt. If Katie is the one you're closest to and the 'organiser' then she is definitely the one to call - the others could just say that Katie organised it and they thought you'd been invited. A phone call/meet up is also the way forward -if you message they might discuss and confer and come up with an excuse - put one of them on the spot and you'll be more likely to get the truth.

Oh, and do it sooner rather than later. You feel hurt about this now - down the line you might talk yourself out of it.

Is it possible they did a couples thing earlier and then their DHs went off while your friends did?

In this case, I would ask since you usually all go out together. Just call one and ask.

SOrry about that, it is hurtful when something like this happens. I would probably message one of them as I would be nervous about the phonecall but speaking is def better for all the reasons others have metionned ( less time to confer and think of a reason). I would say ... I was wondering / hoping I hadn't upset you only I just noticed that you all went out last night and wondered if there was a reaon you didn't ask me............. Hope you get a decent explanation. Try not to take it personally if possible. If these friends have backed off a little now you are single, they are not proper friends. I had a recent experience where I realised quite a few of my friends were fair weather ones. They will have showed there colours over some other event if it wasn't this. Doesn't mean you wont have/can't find others who are worth spending your time with