AIBU to feel left out by these friends?

[chesterberry]

I have three friends who I'll call Katie, Laura and Rachel. We meet up most weekends and have been friends for years (met at uni).

As a bit of backstory my ex-partner left me about fourteen months ago when I was pregnant with my DD. Katie and Laura are married (Laura has a DC) and Rachel engaged. Katie’s husband has a military job and is posted in another country. Previously to my partner leaving and Katie’s partner going overseas the four of us used to get together for dinner with our partners from time to time. Our partners all got along but were quite different and didn’t see each other independently of us, I wouldn’t call any of them friends as such.

A couple of weeks ago the four of us were having lunch and Katie was talking about her DH’s visit back to the UK for a week. She’d booked a week off work and was talking about what they was going to do, and this included meeting Laura, Rachel and their partners for dinner. They would have met up last-weekend. I felt a little left-out that I wasn’t invited seemingly for not having a DP but they were talking about it in front of me so obviously didn’t feel it was a big deal and I decided I was probably just being over-sensitive.

However, I woke up this morning and see on facebook that the three of them went out last night (without partners), they’ve posted lots of photos and statuses tagging each other and talking about the great night they were having. I wasn’t invited.

I feel really left out, I was able to justify not being invited out for dinner with everybody’s DP’s as I don’t have a long-term DP but I can’t understand why they haven’t invited me to this. We do of course sometimes see each other outside of the foursome but usually just for coffee or a walk around the shops, not for a big night out. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited, but again they haven’t tried to hide it from me as it’s plastered all over facebook so maybe they don’t think it’s a big deal. But then I think maybe they are trying to hurt me/ make a point?

AIBU to feel left out and like maybe they’re trying to drop me from the regular meet-ups? Obviously they have a right to see each other without me but going out as a three is just not something we’ve ever really done before (unless one person couldn't come, but they'd at least be invited). I feel I should broach it with them but then I worry I can’t do that without coming across as clingy or over-sensitive. Tell me, am I being clingy and over-sensitive? AIBU?

Thanks.

Oh goodness me! Facebook does people like you (and me) no favours at all! They are perfectly entitled to go out together without you. I don't do Facebook because I am just like this, CHester,, feeling envious of all the people on there having a great time, excluding me, even when the events are things I would hate! I really don't think it would be fair to phone one of them and ask why you weren't included - think what the answers might be and none of them really stack up. Best case is that they didn't think of inviting you. Worst is that they didn't want you there. Whatever, it is done now. Either way, if you really enjoy their company say to one of them what a lovely time they had and can you come next time, or organise something yourself and invite them.
I can't believe that people actually put things on Facebook to make a point in the way that you suggest but I know exactly what you mean, that is probably what I would think too. Don't go there, Chesterberry. it isn't worth it.

They must have realised that you would have seen all the pictures on Facebook though surely? Sometimes people can be so insensitive. Maybe a jokey "where was my invite" type comment would be a good response.

You could comment on one of the photos with something like "Looks like a fun night, wish I had known as I would love to have come too"

YANBU. I wouldn't even have been happy about being left out of dinner. Real friends should make an extra effort to include you and show you love when you're on your own. Maybe they need that pointed out to them.

thing is OP, what answer do you think you'd get that sounds ok to you? The options are, a) they forgot to ask you - be it because you weren't there when it was arranged or they arranged it separately and noone thought about you - this is going to be hurtful that they didn't think about you.

b) they didn't want you there.

c) everyone thought someone else had invited you and noone did. It's going to sound false and you're going to assume the truth is a) or b).

If you think it's more likely to be a - then it could be if you are less able to go out they are beinging to forget to include you in invites, have you turned down a few invites? If so, rather than asking why you were left out, the best thing would be to firstly post something on a FB photo just saying "looks like you all had fun." reminding them about you without being nasty about lack of invite. Then perhaps contacting them all to arrange a night out.

I've been guilty of a) before now, with a 'mummy friend' who went back to work full time last year, she just wasn't there anymore when we met up at toddler groups or had week day playdates, so she wasnt there when someone said "fancy a night out?" and we all agreed. It wasn't meant to be hurtful or leaving her out, it's just the people who were there at the time arranged it and didn't think to extend the invite out to her. We have tried more recently to invite her along too, and also talk to her when at the planning stage, she also was only getting invites when we'd all stood and compared diaries to find dates/times we could do and was presented with "this is the plan" rather than being asked what worked (so she often had to decline, when if we'd asked her at the start, we could find a date everyone can do)

You may be right, Mary, that there won't really be an answer that sounds okay to me. I guess the best case scenario would be that they arranged it at the dinner with DP's and then thought someone else would have invited me or that somehow it was a last minute thing and they assumed I wouldn't be able to come due to DD.

I hope they are not forgetting to invite me to things, we usually meet up during the day most weekends, both myself and Laura bring our DC as they are both still little (11mo and 14mo respectively). I did decline nights out in the first six months of having my DD as I was ebf and didn't like to leave her but at that time I think I only missed out on two nights out and I was always invited. I have been on a night as well as out to dinner for birthdays with these friends in the last few months but mostly we meet up at the weekend - nights out are usually a big thing so it just feels strange not to be invited.

I said to myself I would phone Katie this evening but am beginning to chicken out a bit as I am wondering what I hope to gain. Maybe I will just send a facebook message along the line of 'Hey guys, looks like you had a fun evening last night. Just thinking it's been a couple of weeks since we've gotten together the four of us, do you fancy meeting up next Saturday for lunch?'

Does that sound non-confrontational enough? Will give them the opportunity to apologise if they want to and I guess I'll know from whether they accept the invitation to meet up or try and make their excuses whether they're avoiding me.

Yanbu, I would be very hurt if this was me. Can you think of any reason why they might exclude you. Otoh best to just ask them instead of working up to all sorts of reasons which might not be true. I also have 3 close friends and no matter what even though we knew someone couldn't make it we always asked so that they didn't feel left out. When our friend was the first to have a baby, we still asked even though we knew she would not make it.

Oh, I'd be hurt and upset too. Also puzzled. And the thing is - they know you will see the photos all over Facebook so their night out (without you) won't be a secret.

I have difficulty with confrontation, and tend to over-think things (as you are doing). I wouldn't start posting messages on Facebook, etc. It's too messy, and can tip into victim / passive-aggressive mode, imo.

I agree with Stillstayingclassysandiego - approach it directly, but keep it light. Don't get into 'did I do something to upset you' or other over-complicated stuff.

And just do it today. Don't keep fretting.

You don't want to be confrontational, but be direct.

YANBU to be hurt, it does sound a little odd.

Been in a slightly similar but more hurtful situation - used to be in a close group of friends, but as some of us had children and others didn't, divergences appeared - and then one of them dropped me like a hot brick. I never did find out why exactly, although I did sort of skirt round the topic with 2 of the others - but they were clearly uncomfortable and I didn't like to push it. I'm still friends with some of them, but not the others - and I tried very hard not to be hurt whenever I saw that they'd all met up and I hadn't been included but boy it was hard! Easier now I'm in a different country but I don't recommend that as a solution!

I think you should phone Katie. The FB message you're now proposing to send instead is wishy washy and will not give you peace of mind.

I like the idea of suggesting a meet up with the four of you Chester if you don't feel confident enough to ask them about last night.

Don't fb a message, it looks and sounds wrong.

Phone Katie, if you're as close as you like to think it'll be apparent if there's been a blip on the inviting out issue.

Be brave, come on kid, don't stew on it .

Don't do anything via Facebook

I phoned Katie on everyone's advice but to be honest as soon as she answered I regretted doing it. It's out of character for me to phone her, I think I've only phoned her a handful of times before and never just for a chat (usually only briefly if we are meeting up and I want to check the time or similar) so I think she was confused from the start of the call as to why I was phoning and I felt really intrusive and awkward.

The conversation was sort of small-talk to begin with (after she ascertained nothing was wrong, think she initially thought there must be a crisis or something) and she seemed a bit 'off' with me but I don't know if that was just because both of us felt really awkward about the conversation, not because of anything had said but just because it was weird to be on the phone and she must have been wondering what was coming up. I probably didn't sound like myself to her either. I did manage to say after a few minutes why I was ringing, that I was just feeling a bit left out after they all went out last night without me. She did apologise and said it was a bit of a last minute thing and they just didn't really think to invite anyone else. She made out I was making a big deal out of nothing and left me feeling pretty stupid. I said okay and the rest of the conversation was probably even more awkward and I could tell she was just wondering why I had phoned her the whole time. We spoke for a few minutes more, she said we'd do something next weekend and then we rang off.

To be honest I think I've just made things worse and that now she must think I'm just really odd for phoning her. It didn't help that I completely lost my nerve and wasn't able to articulate what I should have said and wasn't really able to explain I felt a bit upset because we normally did things as a foursome so it hurt to be left out. If there was a genuine reason why I got left out I feel like I've just added to the reasons and am paranoid that she will be talking to the others about it. Feel really quite stupid. I think I should have sent a message so I could have at least said what I needed to say without sounding so stupid, would it be even worse to send a message apologising for the call and trying to explain or should I just leave it and hope they are all okay with me and we do do something at the weekend and this can be forgotten?

You have not made things worse and you don't need to apologise for wanting your friends of many years to support and include you when this has always been the norm! If she was funny with you, it's because she felt guilty, and rightly so. Leave it now and try to distract yourself with nice things.

Personally I would avoid them for a while. Their behaviour was mean.

She was probably off with you because she knows she did wrong. You did the right thing in calling her- I don't think much of the reason she gave you either.

You sound lovely, they don't. Please don't feel bad for calling them on it. Hope your ok op x

Honestly you were right to phone her, I get the impression from her reaction that you're been squeezed out, sorry to be so blunt.

If you had genuinely been over looked she would have been sorry or even embarrassed. This is two meet ups close together you've been left out of, is it possible there's always been other meetups and you just weren't made aware?

You say you're closest to Katie and yet you don't phone her for the chat, maybe this friendship/s have died a natural death?

Okay, thank you. I thought I was closest to Katie although as she is the one who organised the couple's thing without me I don't know. I was pretty surprised she'd left me out, especially as I've known her DH the longest and get on with him fairly well.

I wonder if it is something to do with you being single now. Maybe you being available now brings up some insecurities.

I've heard of people getting suspicious of the newly single one in a group where couples go out, finding it threatening, but not experienced it myself.

Don't say anything else just see what happens now.

Tbh I would just keep my distance from now on.. I can't be doing with fair weather friends.

Don't apologise for making the call, you were perfectly justified. Katie knew she had done wrong and it sounds from here like she was trying to turn it back on you, Desperate Housewives style. Does she watch that perhaps?

It does sound as though she's being a bit of a queen bee. I usually avoid these types. Perhaps you should sidestep her next time, make arrangements with the others and get them to let her know.

I would keep my distance for a bit now. It may have been unintentional to leave you out but if I inadvertently hurt a friends feelings I would go out of my way to make amends or at least try to reassure them

i am sure you said it was a planned thing further down, now she says it was a last minute thing?

tbh not sure i understand how you can be good friends who barely speak on the phone or 'chat'

don't think you have done the wrong thing by asking op.
you were brave to ask and id be cultivating other friendships from now on.