AIBU to feel left out by these friends?

[chesterberry]

I have three friends who I'll call Katie, Laura and Rachel. We meet up most weekends and have been friends for years (met at uni).

As a bit of backstory my ex-partner left me about fourteen months ago when I was pregnant with my DD. Katie and Laura are married (Laura has a DC) and Rachel engaged. Katie’s husband has a military job and is posted in another country. Previously to my partner leaving and Katie’s partner going overseas the four of us used to get together for dinner with our partners from time to time. Our partners all got along but were quite different and didn’t see each other independently of us, I wouldn’t call any of them friends as such.

A couple of weeks ago the four of us were having lunch and Katie was talking about her DH’s visit back to the UK for a week. She’d booked a week off work and was talking about what they was going to do, and this included meeting Laura, Rachel and their partners for dinner. They would have met up last-weekend. I felt a little left-out that I wasn’t invited seemingly for not having a DP but they were talking about it in front of me so obviously didn’t feel it was a big deal and I decided I was probably just being over-sensitive.

However, I woke up this morning and see on facebook that the three of them went out last night (without partners), they’ve posted lots of photos and statuses tagging each other and talking about the great night they were having. I wasn’t invited.

I feel really left out, I was able to justify not being invited out for dinner with everybody’s DP’s as I don’t have a long-term DP but I can’t understand why they haven’t invited me to this. We do of course sometimes see each other outside of the foursome but usually just for coffee or a walk around the shops, not for a big night out. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited, but again they haven’t tried to hide it from me as it’s plastered all over facebook so maybe they don’t think it’s a big deal. But then I think maybe they are trying to hurt me/ make a point?

AIBU to feel left out and like maybe they’re trying to drop me from the regular meet-ups? Obviously they have a right to see each other without me but going out as a three is just not something we’ve ever really done before (unless one person couldn't come, but they'd at least be invited). I feel I should broach it with them but then I worry I can’t do that without coming across as clingy or over-sensitive. Tell me, am I being clingy and over-sensitive? AIBU?

Thanks.

:(

I think they are avoiding you. You were right to ring. They are being really mean. I would lie low for a while. They are not true friends at all.

Thanks for the reassurance. I guess I will just sit it out and wait and see what happens next weekend. I am lucky in that I have a very close knit of friends who I went to sixth form college with but they all live in my home town a couple of hundred miles away. They are the people I would phone for a chat if I needed it or turn to in a crisis but being so far away they're not really a part of my day-to-day social life.

These four uni friends are good friends of mine but I suppose they are not my best friends, I stayed in my university town for work and they are my closest friends here and we have been friends 7+ years now. I lived with two of them for a time at uni, we've been on holiday together twice and do get on very very well, but I guess we're not the kind of friends to have long chats about our feelings etc. I'm quite bad at talking about my feelings anyway. We work in the same profession so a lot of our conversations are about work or other things, good conversation but not always very deep. I would be very sad to lose them as friends and we are in our late twenties, not teens, so it feels a bit old to be falling out or starting to leave each other out.

As I said I suppose I shall wait and see what happens at the weekend, hopefully they really did just organise it very last minute and didn't have time to invite me and perhaps they will apologise next time I see them once they've had a chance to process that I might be hurt by being left out.

I am sure you said it was a planned thing further down, now she says it was a last minute thing?

The dinner last weekend with the three of them and their DPs was a planned thing. I was hurt at not being invited to that but assumed it was a couples thing and decided I was being over-sensitive.

Last night's night out was what I phoned her about and what she said was a last-minute thing. I was more upset about being left out of that, partly because it came so soon after the couple's dinner and partly because I couldn't see any justifiable reason to leave me out.

I guess I still don't have a justifiable reason and I've no idea if she's telling the truth about it being last minute.

I think you were very brave to call her. See if the plans for next weekend materialise and try not to worry. If the issue comes up again you could say "I felt a bit left out as it's usually the four of us. I wanted to check I hadn't unknowingly upset any of you". If all goes back to normal great, if they are still not being nice then, hard as it may be, move on. Changes in friendship groups can be upsetting and hurtful but ultimately you are better off with genuine friends.

Cross-post with OP!

Even if it was last minute, you are part of the group, and they should have given you the option to join in. A text to you would have taken no time at all. And to say 'they just didn't think of it' is insulting. As you are part of the group, thinking of you should have been automatic. What a lousy excuse/explanation.

I think the phone call was awkward because she knew they'd done something wrong, and you put her on the spot. And, from what you've written, her apology sounds less than heartfelt, and lacked in any genuine concern for you/your feelings.

Not nice at all. And, not the treatment one would expect from very good friends. I'm afraid I'd be taking a huge step back from this group - which is easier said than done when you've so much invested in the friendship.

I'm sorry they've behaved this way. I'm sure it hurts.

Chesterberry Katie's reaction speaks volumes, she had no reason to be Off with you, she should have been apologising. Really if you can't talk to her she does not sound much of a friend tbh

I agree with early, she sounded awkward as she did leave you out and that might have been her intention. I would distance myself tbh

See what happens, if they don't invite you just distance yourself, after all you don't sound very close like your six form friends

She didn't sound apologetic.
You felt awkward.

She put you off course in the first instance by insinuating there was a more urgent reason for your call, making you feel daft before you could state why you called.

Wait for one if them to make the next contact.

sorry, mixed up the nights out.

Has anything else happened before this to make you think you are being left out?

OP everyone didn't advise you to phone Katie. A few of us advised against it.

Sorry Flossyfloof, I didn't really mean every single person and saw some people were advising against it. I shouldn't have used the word everybody. Also I hope it didn't sound like I was suggesting I had gotten bad advice from anybody, I appreciate everybody who has taken the time to respond. It felt like the majority of people were suggesting I phone but it was, ultimately, my decision. It went awfully but maybe it will have been the right thing to go, I will wait and see how things turn out next weekend.

And no piratecat, nothing has really happened to make me feel left out before. There was one occasion (over a year ago now) where I came back from holiday early and bumped into Katie in town, we went for coffee and she mentioned that the three of them were out for dinner that night. They had planned it in advance thinking I would still be on holiday so they had a reason for not inviting me, I felt a bit left out that she didn't invite me there and then but I don't know the details and it may not have been the sort of thing you could add another person to last minute and she wasn't hiding it from me so there was no reason to think it was deliberate (and I still don't think it was).

Other than that as far as I know I have never not been invited to anything. I did decline quite a few invites when DD was first born but I was always invited and as Laura had a DC just a few months older and we were both busy the getting together was a bit less regular anyway. If they have been getting together without me they've hidden it well.

That should say, right thing to do

If you are in the same profession perhaps they are working in something together? I think you should focus on the other two and drop Katie. And contact your real friends. It's easy to make new friends but impossible to make old friends. Hang on to the good people. New people will come and go.

Now that there are babies in the mix things will change a lot, you will be making mummy friends soon as well. Let go of the Katie.

I think her reaction speaks volumes. A good friend is someone you never feel awkward with, because they never behave in a way that means you need to. I had friends like yours (funnily enough we were a four too) who have slowly phased me out of their lives for no apparent reason. Arranging lunches and dinners without me and then letting it slip afterwards. I've been there for two of them a LOT where they were really down and gave a lot of time and consideration to them.
Fuck 'em, if they don't have the maturity to tell me they'd rather not have me around and are happier to make me feel like crap to spare their own embarrassment than just tell me straight then they're dicks anyway. On to better things I say. (And I have, I've found a much nicer, more honest and straightforward group of friends a year down the line!)
Women, they are both the best and the worst at being friends.

OP, I think I would leave it now if I were you. If I suspect friends are trying to phase me out, I usually go silent myself and see if anything materialises. If they get in touch or invite me to do something, I take it that they are still interested. If I don't hear anything, well then I have my answer.

I agree with Floozey that you should just let this go. I personally don't think phoning her achieved anything. Hurtful as these things are, you are all adults and can choose to socialise with whomever you choose, whenever you choose. I don't think for a minute you're U for feeling hurt and left out, but ultimately what can be done?

I'd guess that you've lost status and been ejected from the group. Nasty.

Bunch of arseholes! Lots of lovely people out there. About a year or two after leaving uni. My 2 best friends went all weird on me and at my wedding started bitching about me (my Mum) heard them. Cut them off and remember they are probably jealous of you in some way or are nasty pieces of work. Couple of weeks, months you won't bother. It's that initial stingy jab to the heart that hurts! Sorry not adding anything to the helpful comments but wanted to add my support.