Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

mn jury . Whi is bu?

91 replies

northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 18:58

Background. I am a sahm with a very energetic toddler (20 months) Normally I have to take him with me to doctors appointments etc. Sometimes he is ok but sometimes he is a nightmare. We also have 2 school aged dc.

So dh has a day off tomorrow. He is meeting his dad for lunch as it is his mum's anniversary. I really need to have an eye test. I tried to get one at the weekend when we were out without success. So I mentioned to dh that I would book a test for tomorrow. I booked it for early morning so it wouldn't impact on him going out for lunch with his dad.

So this evening he clearly had the hump with me and moaned that he would now not be able to get the things he wanted to do done as he would have to go out for lunch upon my return.

I said that surely he could do it after lunch but he wasn't happy with this as he would get caught in rush hour traffic.

Aibu to think he could be a bit more helpful as at least he does get a day off.

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 26/06/2014 21:08

Does he give you a day off to go shopping?

Original poster

northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 21:16

Not recently, no. Although I suspect he thinks that every day is a shopping day whilst he slaves away at work. Think he has seriously forgotten what looking after a toddler entails.

OP posts:

pictish · 26/06/2014 22:11

So remind him.

Original poster

northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 22:39

Well things have changed. Fil is now coming to us so dh can drive him to meal. Not a problem except fil is stuckt in a 50's timewarp where all the house and dc stuff is down to the woman.
I have been out most of today so guess who rushing around tidying whilst dh watches telly.

OP posts:

oxfordcomma75 · 26/06/2014 23:44

Yanbu. He has most of the day to himself whilst you are holding the fort at home. Only right that you are able to get your eyes tested in peace.

Appletini · 26/06/2014 23:52

20 years?

He's milking it if he can't look after his own child.

SquigglySquid · 27/06/2014 00:02

I have been out most of today so guess who rushing around tidying whilst dh watches telly.

Boy, you just let him get away with anything don't you?

Ok, you've obviously not being unreasonable. Not even a little. It's been 20 years. DH's mother died 3 years ago and he doesn't even take a full day on her anniversary. He's not grieving, he's getting together with family to catch up. He can take the toddler for a few hours while you do an eye appointment.

Fil is now coming to us so dh can drive him to meal. Not a problem except fil is stuckt in a 50's timewarp where all the house and dc stuff is down to the woman.

That's nice. You married DH, not FIL. DH is his own man, and acting of his own volition, you can't blame FIL for it. He needs to man the fuck up and take responsibility for the housework and his child.

If FIL is over, let DH keep him entertained with snacks and pleasantries. Don't let them double team you.

NoodleOodle · 27/06/2014 00:12

Yabu but, do book yourself a day off as it seems like you're feeling in need of one, it's just unfair to hijack his, especially on this anniversary.

Twrch62 · 27/06/2014 00:12

I think yanbu, as long as he can get to the meal no problem, both my parents died a lot more recently, and I'm not even sure of the dates now. But i do know they would want me to supporting my wife and child first and foremost.

NoodleOodle · 27/06/2014 00:16

Maybe it's time to have a discussion about days off for you, along the lines of if you were working out of the house you would be getting 20 days. Can you look for respite care, like a childminder with the odd day free so you csm have some down time?

Original poster

northandsouth4 · 27/06/2014 07:35

Fil is coming whilst I am out. Dh will be entertaining him. Maybe I shouldn't care whether fil thinks I am a rubbish wife. I could tell dh to help but he would just say leave it becauuse according to fil the state of th house is no reflection on him.

OP posts:

Original poster

northandsouth4 · 27/06/2014 11:29

Well fil turned up at the crack of dawn. (Ok 8.30 am). I am apparently so lucky because dh is prepared to take his children to school and look after toddler so I can have a break.
And breathe

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 29/06/2014 10:35

[shocked]. Who arrives at 8.30!

Hope your day got better.

Original poster

northandsouth4 · 30/06/2014 00:14

Fil turned up. Dh didn't go shopping. Instead he went shopping on our weekend away. Whilst away I wanted to get my hair cut but the look on his face said it all.
I guess it pisses me off that he doesn't want to do any of the hard slog with our youngest. Yes, he did school run and looked after toddler bu commented that toddler was wet from the park. Of course he didn't get a chance to change toddler before she fell asleep on the sofa.

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 30/06/2014 00:18

Your DH sounds pretty selfish. Why let him get away with it?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 30/06/2014 06:37

It's not really up to the op to not let him "get away with it" though.
What's she meant to do? He obviously doesn't consider that he needs to do as she asks.
His job is to bring in the money, OPs job is to look after the kids and keep the house nice etc. the trouble is that with this set up the SAHP is reliant on the WOHP being fair about the division of finances and labour. And often that's not the case. A on outsider the home has a start and finish time, being a "housewife" for some ppl is literally a 24/7 365 days a year occupation of time, energy and brain power.
It's really not uncommon for men in s situation to think its my money, my house etc and that they're doing the SAHP a favour any time they lift a finger at home. It's wrong and it can cause understandable and deep resentment, but I hear lots of men talking like this (and yes, usually its men)
Next year (3 by then?) this toddler will likely be at nursery and it looks as though op will have to wait until then for any shred or sliver of head space.
Hopefully she won't have had to kill her dh before that time arrives.

Flip

1 2 3 4