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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mn jury . Whi is bu?

91 replies

northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 18:58

Background. I am a sahm with a very energetic toddler (20 months) Normally I have to take him with me to doctors appointments etc. Sometimes he is ok but sometimes he is a nightmare. We also have 2 school aged dc.

So dh has a day off tomorrow. He is meeting his dad for lunch as it is his mum's anniversary. I really need to have an eye test. I tried to get one at the weekend when we were out without success. So I mentioned to dh that I would book a test for tomorrow. I booked it for early morning so it wouldn't impact on him going out for lunch with his dad.

So this evening he clearly had the hump with me and moaned that he would now not be able to get the things he wanted to do done as he would have to go out for lunch upon my return.

I said that surely he could do it after lunch but he wasn't happy with this as he would get caught in rush hour traffic.

Aibu to think he could be a bit more helpful as at least he does get a day off.

OP posts:
Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 19:49

It has been 20 years.

OP posts:
deakymom · 26/06/2014 19:56

you asked he agreed why the fuss don't agree unless you genuinely don't mind

how many years has it been since the death (if you dont mind me asking)

deakymom · 26/06/2014 19:56

20 years? have your eyes tested he can look after his own kid

UsedToBeShirley · 26/06/2014 19:57

20 years? Ok, well death anniversarys certainly do suck. I had a big old wobble this year on my dad's 10th. I kept saying "a decade without him, I can't believe it!" It came as a shock though, that reaction. I hadn't planned to "do" anything, I just felt strangely wretched on the day.

I think you are NBU, but you're stuck between a rock and a hard place - how can you say "BUT MY EYE APPOINTMENT!" When the reply will be "DEAD MOTHER!"

Rearrange the appointment for a weekend. Write it on the calendar. Do not cancel the next one....think a little bit about the things that you have written here. I get the feeling there is something deeper going on for you here than a cancelled eye appointment.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 26/06/2014 19:58

Agree with shirley

deaky what an insensitive comment.

deakymom · 26/06/2014 20:03

how does he think his son will feel 20 years after his death dad? what dad he was always working its two hours you need to put a period and move on at some point not still rip your hair/clothing off on a yearly basis my nan died christmas eve i've never seen her daughters do more than visit the grave (as long as its not snowing badly she is buried in the sticks) its 6 years this year since she passed they might call each other and arrange to meet up there but apart from that its low key and if i said i needed/wanted someone to watch one of my children for a couple of hours they would do it

the living take precedence over the dead perhaps its how i was raised..........

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 20:03

My dad died 25 years ago and my mum 4 years ago. Since having dc. I have never had the luxury of taking a whole day to myself on those days. I have done stuff with my siblings but always bring at least one child with me. I actually find it comforting. It is especially poignant bringing toddler ds to my parents grave as they never met him.

OP posts:
TimeForAnotherNameChange · 26/06/2014 20:08

Both my parents have been dead twenty years too. It was a particularly traumatic circumstance & event, and additionally I was only 18. So I can confidently say he's taking the bloody piss big style! He's a parent and husband now, he needs to put his child and you first. 20 years?! For goodness sake...

CSIJanner · 26/06/2014 20:09

YANBU

You asked, he agreed and the got the hump. Yes - it's his mums anniversary but in fairness, he wasn't fantastic from your later posts on the anniversary of your mums, nor the day of her actual funeral. And glasses headaches are a bitch! It feels like dull pokers being jabbed in the same part of your brain. You've tried to book alternative days and have opted for early morning. There's no reason he can't shop later on - he just doesn't want to deal with the hassle of other things. OP - are his days off usually just his days if its booked in the working week?

pictish · 26/06/2014 20:10

OP yanbu. My own very much loved mother died 9 years ago, so I know something of grief.

How long does it take to buy a card anyway? He doesn't need two hours surely?

SueDoku · 26/06/2014 20:12

OP YANBU. Your DH sounds as though he has planned a day out with his Dad and brother (excluding you and his children) and is acting like a spoilt child because you need to attend an important appointment. Your eyesight is very precious, and he should realise this...Angry
He sounds as though he has little empathy with you - and no realisation that you also work long days -- looking after HIS children. Ask yourself - if he needed an eye test, would he postpone it for months because you were working hard..??
The anniversary of a parent's death always makes us feel fragile - but I'm not getting the sense of that here -- just someone annoyed because your urgent health needs are stopping him from doing exactly what he wants.
Go to your appointment - and don't feel guilty about doing so..!

Happydaysatlast · 26/06/2014 20:15

Op I think if this post was specifically about this one day then you would be unreasonable but I feel that it's his whole general attitude that is pissing you off and can see why

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 26/06/2014 20:17

Could you move your eye test to the afternoon once he gets back?

LittleBearPad · 26/06/2014 20:19

So he wanted to go shopping and then meet his dad for lunch? What's he shopping for?

I don't see why he can't do childcare and then meet his dad. He can shop another day or after the lunch.

LittleBearPad · 26/06/2014 20:19

Especially if the reason he doesn't want to shop later is because the traffic will be a little busier...

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 20:21

Tbh it didn't occur to me to try the afternoom. On reflection it may have been better but when I said I was going to book it he didn't communicate a preference or say it was a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 20:22

He was only meeting dad for lunch. Dad has plans for the rest of the day.

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/06/2014 20:23

What's he going shopping for?
He is BU (I think)
It's either you or he who are going to feel put upon. Let it be him. He still gets to have lunch with his DF without having any DCs to look after (something i doubt youd be granted in the same situation) and all he's being asked to do is spend time with his toddler for a couple of hours. It's not even all day. It's hardly disrespectful to the memory if his mother is it?
Do ppl really think its unfair to expect a man to spend a couple of hours with their own child because it's the annivsary of a parent's death. Really?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/06/2014 20:27

Sorry, DS, not DD.

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 20:37

Think it shopping for himself. Maybe clothes but nothing that can't wait.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 26/06/2014 20:39

When was the last time you got to go clothes shopping by yourself. He sounds very selfish. And yes I know it's the anniversary of his mothers death but his lack of effort on the childcare front seems pretty crap generally.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/06/2014 20:40

Well. Eye test trumps clothes shopping.
Don't enter into a discussion about it.
Go for your eye test and pop into the pub on the way home

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 20:45

I didn't react. Will just let it go. And grab a cuppa in peace before returning home.

OP posts:
YellowStripe · 26/06/2014 20:51

Does HE give YOU a child-free day on the anniversary of YOUR mother's death?

Original poster
northandsouth4 · 26/06/2014 21:00

No but tbh I wouldn't want them. In the early days after my mums death, less than a year after my brother's death my dc gave me comfort.

OP posts: