To feel sick an hate myself right now

[Rosenrot30]

I needed to get this off my chest or I am going to combust with a mixture of shame , excitement and horror.

Long story short, duh and I have been together nearly ten years, four of which have been hell due to dh having bipolar and anger issues from a horrible childhood. He had a nervous breakdown three years ago and I never got him back, he became verbally abusive when on a low amd manic hyper talking a thousand miles a minute and can never concentrate long enough to hear what I have to say or is constantly interrupting me as he will forget what he has to say, he became highly paranoid and stopped going out, washing or making an effort he also has an addictive personality and has some drug issues.

I have supported him and took on all the daily jobs including care of our son and building a business after I lost my job when I caled in sick because he was on one.

He became increasingly critical even pulling me up for using big words and paranoid , thinks I am playing mind games etc

Last argument we had was a nasty one and it culminated with me telling him if he didn't get help it was over for good, I am mentally financially and physically exhausted and the last straw was him saying some really horrible things durin this last depressive phase.

he is now in hospital after not being able to shake off suicidal feelings and is accepting all the help he is offered but it's becoming more and more apparent he needs something to get him through the day and I can't bear the thought of the next forty years being me trying to handle his addictions and paranoia.

If you are wondering why I stuck it out so long there is a whole lot of good in him and he has tried hard, quit alcohol taught himself how to calm down when he felt the anger rising but there was something out of his control which he admitted to me the night before he went to hospital.

I saw this as a turning point for us and was happy to finally get some peace from the constant negative talk and stories of childhood trauma I may sound horrible but when I say constant I mean imagine being stuck in a house with someone telli g you the same awful stories again and again day after day .

So my friends pulled together got me doing something I had wanted to in a long time and I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time

What I did not count on was having an incredibly strong attraction to the man in front of me without even seeing his face, it was like a magnet pulling me in, we got paired up for a team building Excercise and we were instant friends , as the night progressed i felt like I was talking to a male version of me and had a feeling I could trust him with my life. There was no flirting just this instant connection like we had known each other forever and he is my type in every single way that matters. He knows of my situation and we have agreed to be friends but we do fancy each other and have met up once (again as friends but the connection is undeniably there) he makes me feel like I could have fun again and is so encouraging about my dreams etc and gets me Like no one else not even my best friend.

The reason I feel sick is before this I would have waited for my husband to get better and see what happened with us , but now I have had a taste of what is like to be with someone who want everything I want from life and what it feels like to have fun again with someone who wants to have fun with me not just go along with it and not really get into it. Some of the things he has said to me is word for word how I feel about things myself which left me :0

I am not a cheat and have not been attracted to anyone since I met dh so this is a new and uncomfortable feeling.

Dh has cut off his family who are a bunch of psychos and narcissists (no exaggeration) and has only me and ds he is excited for the future but to be honest there has been so much damage done (the verbal abuse is hard to forget) and even dh says he doesn't think he can ever be the truly good husband and father he should be but is getting counselling etc because he wants to change.

Half of me thinks forget about this new person I shouldn't be friends with someone when we both fancy each other like mad and have a connection it's just not fair to dh but the other part of me thinks fuck that it's about time I had some happiness and I am loathe to cut him off as I can't ignore the feeling we were meant to meet even if it's just to be friends.

Sorry for rambling , I hate myself right now this is so unlike me and my family will just go all over dramatic and accuse me of all sorts if I talk to them.

Need advice desperately

Op, there’s no shame in ending a relationship, even if it’s because of illness. The “in sickness and in health” sentiment is all very noble, but in reality there’s often only so much one person can take before reaching breaking point. And while it might seem harsh to some to leave while your h is in hospital receiving treatment, the truth is there will never be a right time to leave, so you have to do what is right for you and your ds. Yes your dh is receiving treatment, but he needs to do that regardless of your relationship – if he’s only getting treatment because of you/your ds it will never work because he will stop taking medication etc as soon as things get tough. In that regard mh is much like an addiction, someone can only be helped if they want to be. If he wants to get better for him then that is good and you can support him regardless of whether or not you are together, and who knows, maybe in the future you will find each other again and can rebuild the relationship you once had if that is meant to be, but you can’t be expected to wait around for that to happen if you are already so desperately unhappy.

Wrt the other man though, this notion of “meant to be” is an illusion. It’s not real, it’s a bit like being in a desert with no water, and when you finally get some it’s the best water you’ve ever tasted. It isn’t, it’s the same as any other water, but because you’ve been so parched and desperate for a drink your whole being can sense it, taste it, take it in, and it feels and tastes better than you could ever have imagined. If you keep the bottle of water though and drink from it again when you’ve left the desert, and drink some once you’ve had a shower, a swim, a good meal and a sleep, you’ll realise that it’s just water, and that actually it tastes quite warm and not what you remembered. When we’re in a relationship which has been broken for such a long time, we see things in people that aren’t really there, because those people also make us see a glimmer of what we could have if we weren’t in that relationship. You need to cut contact with this man. If you leave because of him, and with the desperation of not wanting to let him go, then you are leaving for the wrong reasons, and when it doesn’t work out with him (and reality is it’s unlikely to) you will be far more shattered than you are now.

You need to leave for yourself, and for your ds. But what you have with this man now is at minimum an emotional affair, and regardless of the fact you haven’t slept together you know that it’s wrong. If he really is “meant to be” he will still be there in a year or two, but reality is that you will have found your own strength by then and may even have found happiness with someone else.

Cut contact with him, delete his number, don’t talk to him again, and then find the courage to leave your h if that’s what you want to do. Then and only then (assuming this man isn’t also in a relationship) should you start to think about where your future lies, and whether he really does have a place in it. If he is in a relationship you need to stay away until he isn’t.

This isn’t a judgement fwiw, it’s almost normal to see the meeting of someone else as the wake up call we want to get out of a relationship. But you can leave with a lot less destruction and hurt now if you end everything with the OM (and he is the om even without a sexual relationship). If you leave for or even because of him, you will carry the additional guilt, and your relationship will never be able to get off to the right start.

Just because my advice isn't what she wants to hear, doesn't mean it is not valid.
If he wasn't seeking help, then maybe things would be different but he is.Why does she have to leave him at his nadir? Why can't she wait and see if she gets the man she loves back?
Where I came from it is wrong to kick someone in their hour of need and in my opinion that is exactly what she is doing.

Think of it this way, hellskitty.

His being admitted may be the first time Rosenrot has had time without him. Time not to hear him, to see him, to keep an eye on him, to worry/fear what will happen next.

Guess what? With all that worry and stress gone from her home, she likes it! She can now see exactly what price she has paid for supporting the man she loves. And guess what? She has a horrid suspicion that price is too high!

The that tall drink of water (I loved the desert analogy) floats passed and she gets another glimpse of what normal is, and always has been for many other people. Guess what? She is even more conflicted.

Her hour of need dragged on for years, and now she has a small glimmer you want her to volunteer to step back in and take on that load again?

Well, it's a bit like getting a new quilt, it comes tightly wrapped up and, once you get it out of its wrapper, it won't go back in, no matter how much you shove and push.

So, your point of view is valid, it just isn't necessarily the most realistic and it isn't at all nice and shows a marked lack of understanding. It also ignores the possibility that she has been unintentionally facilitating her OHs illness by coping and supporting him so well. His MH team will be able to help her with that. It might turn out that leaving him to make his own coping strategies is his best chance of regaining his feet.

hellskitty - your opinion is harsh and doesnt feel like it comes from a place of knowledge about mental health issues (although I may be wrong).

There are many people out there living with partners with severe mental illness - bipolar, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia etc - that are suffering just as much as their ill partner.

As I said perviously, I am bipolar. I have suffered enormously because of my illness, but I honestly think my husband may have suffered more. Our marriage has suffered hugely because of my actions when manic and although at the moment my DH is standing by me, I would never guilt trip him in to staying with me because he 'owes it to me' and i would like to think that if my illness began to seriously affect his mental health and wellbeing in the long term, he would leave.

We have children together (as does the Op) so we will always be in each other's lives and I hope that my Dh would offer kindness and support no matter where our relationship ends up. But nobody has to stay in a relationship that is damaging to them. Nobody. Mental health issues, illness or disability are not a reason to stay. You can be a good, supportive person without risking your own health and sanity.

You are not advising you are quoting marraige vows and telling her he is ill so its ok to be shouted and verbally abused its not ok

stickaflakeinit so your DS is standing by you, and yet you are advising the OP to dump her DH ?? Is that what you think your DH should do?

I didn't advise the OP to dump him. I advised her to do what is right for her mental wellbeing and sanity. If that means ending their relationship in its current form, so be it. That is her choice to make. A stoical 'stand by your man' is as throwaway and meaningless as a rash LTB. This is HER life.

My DH has very nearly ended our relationship, actually. At the moment I am in treatment and he is staying with me for NOW. If I lapsed again as badly as I have previously, I dint know if he would stay.

I have bipolar and have to say that it must be very, very difficult to live with someone with a serious illness - mental or physical.

I agree with you - your dh does need help with his illness. It is not a curable illness and it won't go away by itself. But it usually responds well to the right treatment.

What I would say is that your in a honey moon period with new bloke (despite not being involved) but you are rock bottom with your DH. It's hard to know what this new blokes rock bottom is but you do know what your DH's best is. Can you put all thoughts of this new bloke aside and work out if you should stay with DH?

Awesome post, WannaBe. OP I hope you find happiness.

You need to leave for him too. He is getting help and has this idea of a happy future with you in his head. Leave him now and let him recover without him getting better and you leaving anyways.

I don't think you are terrible either. Just think it might help to consider you may actually be doing him a kindness by leaving too as I do think it sounds as though you have reached the end of the line with him after years of supporting him.

Think of it this way, hellskitty.

His being admitted may be the first time Rosenrot has had time without him. Time not to hear him, to see him, to keep an eye on him, to worry/fear what will happen next.

Guess what? With all that worry and stress gone from her home, she likes it! She can now see exactly what price she has paid for supporting the man she loves. And guess what? She has a horrid suspicion that price is too high!

The that tall drink of water (I loved the desert analogy) floats passed and she gets another glimpse of what normal is, and always has been for many other people. Guess what? She is even more conflicted.

Her hour of need dragged on for years, and now she has a small glimmer you want her to volunteer to step back in and take on that load again?

Well, it's a bit like getting a new quilt, it comes tightly wrapped up and, once you get it out of its wrapper, it won't go back in, no matter how much you shove and push.

So, your point of view is valid, it just isn't necessarily the most realistic and it isn't at all nice and shows a marked lack of understanding. It also ignores the possibility that she has been unintentionally facilitating her OHs illness by coping and supporting him so well. His MH team will be able to help her with that. It might turn out that leaving him to make his own coping strategies is his best chance of regaining his feet.

I couldn't have put this better myself,

I have been considering leaving for a while now but then things would go back to normal for a while and the normal times were getting longer I was over the moon , but then the lows would swing round again and it would all come crashing down , I started changing as a person, becoming angry bitter and reclusive. The polar opposite to my actual self.

I just want to say that men and women who are physically violent are also mentally unwell so should there partners stay with them?

I'm not going to run off with him have an affair or anything like that, I am not day dreaming about running off into the sunset or practising writing his surname with mine and even of dj and I spilt for good it will be a long time before I am healed enough to trust anyone again , however I do love the friendship and I have been so isolated for so long that yes it's like being offered a cool glass of water when your parched and I am always thinking of my ds I have spent the past four years thinking of nothing but dh and ds to the detriment of my health and sanity now and I'm being totally honest here I'm thinking , what about me? 

Dh is doing it for us and that is what worries me, he said he is doing it for himself too but mostly for us and it worries me because if I did break it off would he just give in and kill himself , would I be responsible for that because I should have put up and shut up? I don't think staying with someone so they dont commint suicide is the basis for a healthy relationship .

I tell you what hellskitty, why don't you come live with me when I'm having a bad patch. See how long you last.

To use a brilliant line I've learnt here on MN, fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more.

I promised to obey my dh when we got married because he always trys to get me to see the good things. I wouldn't expect this vow to mean that I had to do it if he told me to go jump off a cliff.

OP, I hope you do what is right by your children, then yourself, then your DH, in that order xxx