To feel sick an hate myself right now

[Rosenrot30]

I needed to get this off my chest or I am going to combust with a mixture of shame , excitement and horror.

Long story short, duh and I have been together nearly ten years, four of which have been hell due to dh having bipolar and anger issues from a horrible childhood. He had a nervous breakdown three years ago and I never got him back, he became verbally abusive when on a low amd manic hyper talking a thousand miles a minute and can never concentrate long enough to hear what I have to say or is constantly interrupting me as he will forget what he has to say, he became highly paranoid and stopped going out, washing or making an effort he also has an addictive personality and has some drug issues.

I have supported him and took on all the daily jobs including care of our son and building a business after I lost my job when I caled in sick because he was on one.

He became increasingly critical even pulling me up for using big words and paranoid , thinks I am playing mind games etc

Last argument we had was a nasty one and it culminated with me telling him if he didn't get help it was over for good, I am mentally financially and physically exhausted and the last straw was him saying some really horrible things durin this last depressive phase.

he is now in hospital after not being able to shake off suicidal feelings and is accepting all the help he is offered but it's becoming more and more apparent he needs something to get him through the day and I can't bear the thought of the next forty years being me trying to handle his addictions and paranoia.

If you are wondering why I stuck it out so long there is a whole lot of good in him and he has tried hard, quit alcohol taught himself how to calm down when he felt the anger rising but there was something out of his control which he admitted to me the night before he went to hospital.

I saw this as a turning point for us and was happy to finally get some peace from the constant negative talk and stories of childhood trauma I may sound horrible but when I say constant I mean imagine being stuck in a house with someone telli g you the same awful stories again and again day after day .

So my friends pulled together got me doing something I had wanted to in a long time and I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time

What I did not count on was having an incredibly strong attraction to the man in front of me without even seeing his face, it was like a magnet pulling me in, we got paired up for a team building Excercise and we were instant friends , as the night progressed i felt like I was talking to a male version of me and had a feeling I could trust him with my life. There was no flirting just this instant connection like we had known each other forever and he is my type in every single way that matters. He knows of my situation and we have agreed to be friends but we do fancy each other and have met up once (again as friends but the connection is undeniably there) he makes me feel like I could have fun again and is so encouraging about my dreams etc and gets me Like no one else not even my best friend.

The reason I feel sick is before this I would have waited for my husband to get better and see what happened with us , but now I have had a taste of what is like to be with someone who want everything I want from life and what it feels like to have fun again with someone who wants to have fun with me not just go along with it and not really get into it. Some of the things he has said to me is word for word how I feel about things myself which left me :0

I am not a cheat and have not been attracted to anyone since I met dh so this is a new and uncomfortable feeling.

Dh has cut off his family who are a bunch of psychos and narcissists (no exaggeration) and has only me and ds he is excited for the future but to be honest there has been so much damage done (the verbal abuse is hard to forget) and even dh says he doesn't think he can ever be the truly good husband and father he should be but is getting counselling etc because he wants to change.

Half of me thinks forget about this new person I shouldn't be friends with someone when we both fancy each other like mad and have a connection it's just not fair to dh but the other part of me thinks fuck that it's about time I had some happiness and I am loathe to cut him off as I can't ignore the feeling we were meant to meet even if it's just to be friends.

Sorry for rambling , I hate myself right now this is so unlike me and my family will just go all over dramatic and accuse me of all sorts if I talk to them.

Need advice desperately

so the issue with your dh is one.

issue with this man is another.

seems to me like you want to give your dh the opportunity to get through this. how about you give him a few months then, and see whether he really has it in him to change.

this other man, it might seem like he knows you but he really doesn't. how can he? don't rush into anything rash with him. stay friends if you must, but don't do anything rash with him.

you are very vulnerable right now. protect yourself and your child first. i personally would take a break from all these extreme relationships. use the time to get back to yourself and have a bit of breathing space.

He knows the score exactly and he hopes we can make it work if it's possible , I am not really a rose coloured glasses type of person if anything I am not very trusting until I get to really know a person and I certainly have no illusions that anyone is perfect and I don't want to be rescued. I also don't want to give up the tiny bit of happiness and bonding I havent, had In a long time.

What a hideous situation for you. Agree with moomin that the other man is not the problem. More like a symptom of the problem.

Absolutely wouldn't blame you if you wanted to call it a day now. If you want to give it another go, work out your limits now, while you have a bit of headspace, and stick to them. It's all too easy to let the situation get a bit worse, and a bit worse still, so that gradually you become utterly miserable. Talk to his doctor, or the mental health charities, see a counsellor for yourself, or contact your local carers support group... Get some sensible advice and set some ground rules for when he comes home: if you smoke pot, I leave; verbally abuse me, I leave; miss treatment, I leave. And those rules should only get more stringent over time, or you'll end up back in this situation.

I hope it works out for you both, but your priorities must be you and your children.

Having been in the same situation (although not married) I had no hesitation in leaving when it became clear he wasn't going to take medication and when my mental health started to really suffer.

It isn't selfish to start to think about yourself - especially with a child to care for x

The medication thing has driven me crazy more than anything else, he forgets his medication even though he has an alarm set for it, says Im Not doing it on purpose i forget , but he is so different without it I can't help but think it should be the single most important thing on his mind, I have also called his bluff and said if you really cannot remember your medication then I need to get a nurse in as I did not want to be tied to him four times a day or have the responsibility to remind him constantly. He said he could do it but started to forget again , then his family wind him up something rotten (on purpose they are pure evil) then send him back to me.

I am not looking for a relationship with this man , certainly not at the minute it has just given me a glimpse of what my life and my ds life could be like but most of all that's how I want it to be . Dh has hurt me so much and I am so tired I feel like I'm losing the will to fight for what we had at the same time he is finding his will to fight his demons fully and honestly. I think I just can't bear to have him home all happy again only for it all to kick off later , that's when I hate him , for showing me so much love then ripping it away and being a whole other person for the sake of rembering his medication , it felt like a physical pain whenever I thought I couldn't take any more and we would have to split .

Funny thing is now he is in hospital he is obsessed with his medication amd is getting more than ever but he feels he needs more and more since he has been in there. That is the scary thing.

Thanks Rosenrot30! I hope you find peace and happiness as do I x

There is a saying I've seen a lot on MN 'When someone tells you who they are, believe them.' Don't waste your life on a man who has told you he's unlikely able to ever be a good husband and father.

This op could actually be me.I had 4 years of he'll when my DH had MH issues I hated him so much I honestly think in that time if any man showed the slightest bit of attention in me I'd have run off and lived happily ever after in my mind with him he got help when I gave him an untimatum and in the past 6 months he's given up all medication with the doctors help whilst I still wait for signs to start showing again they haven't we have really worked at rebuilding our relationship I feel like I love him again the way I used to of not more I couldn't be prouder of him. But I do know exactly how you are feeling and you need to think really and honestly about your feelings for your husband do you still love him? Or would it be guilt because he's ill. If and that's a massive if anything happened with this other man why would you regret it?

He says that only when he is really down, when he is the way he was before his breakdown he was an amazing father and husband and still is when he is well however the instability of his moods and the pressure it has put on us trying to get a professional to believe us has been huge and we both changed because of it. I couldn't begin to go through the hell we have all been through but I can say this is not dh , I knew the true him for six years and the effort I have seen him put in to get better all the way to getting admitted to hospital proves to people can change if they really want to and I have seen very positive changes in him , there is just a world of childhood pain he needs to deal with without any crutches or distractions as well as getting on top. Of his bi polar and until then he is right he can't be a good father or husband but I know him well and believe he is strong enough to get better for our son no matter what happens between us .

You have one life, thats all im saying...

Hi lurkeyishere, I love the him I see when he is himself couldn't love anyone more but I also kind of hate him at the minute and love him ! I would never stay out of guilt and after the last argument I basically said if he loved us as much as he said he would get himself straight to a hospital amd not leave until he got admitted for ds if anything , which he did without complaint and is glad to be there.

, it's hard to explain I just really want to be his friend (but I do fancy him too which is what's troubling me, I have had plenty of attention of other men amd have never been attracted to anyone other than dh until now. and he basically loves to do everything I love to do which is everything I have to drag dh to. Just makes me think there may be more to life than constant struggle and negativity. I will fight alongside anyone but when they give up on themselves and make me responsible for their happiness and life as well as every other thing , it makes it hard to turn away the one thing that has made me really smile in a long time.

So glad you and your dh came through the other end I really am, your story is rare (I have done a lot of research looking for happy endings for couples with my issues and yours is one of the first I have come across. What you have now will be amazing because you have fought for it amd won, amd thank you for your post , it has helped so much .

Really I feel your pain it is rare for a happy ending even at my DH worst days his family told me they wouldn't blame me if I left him I'm glad now I didn't. It's so nice to see him smile and know it's genuine and not forced all the time he was bad it was a struggle to get him to do anything at all even the stuff he enjoyed it was hard I forgot the man he was and saw the man he became. Your DH is trying and I hope he comes to be the person you fell in love with again. I know now if my DH ever got to the stage he was at his worst again I probably wouldn't cope and leave him but now I know the signs I know to get him straight back to the doctor. I do wish you all the best in what ever decision you make it will be the right one for you

Mary Shelley. I love him but not at the expense of my own life or ds his illness is causing that (along with everything else that has happened to us) sometimes you can love a person more than anything but it doesn't always mean its meant to be , we always said we would split if it was best for ds whether we loved each other or not. Three years of treading on eggshells amd having extreme highs and lows has not eroded my love for him but coming through it has made me reassess what I expect from the person I am going to share my life with. Maamy of people have tried to get me to leave to for years now but I stuck it out in the hope he would get treatment amd we could keep our family together , the illness being undiagnosed for so longamd being stuck in the house 24/7 listening to manic chatter or total negativity leaves a toll .
Life is short and there are no medals for being miserable .

Despite it not being his fault that he has this illness and had a bad childhood I think you have stuck it out for long enough and no doubt even if you did leave today the whole thing would certainly be with you forever. Give yourself a break and your child too, why should you have to walk on eggshells and be under so much constant stress?

New guy is irrelevant, don't go there. Not yet.

Your main concern needs to be providing a secure, safe and calm home for your DS. His needs trump your DHs and your own TBH.

Do you want your DS to be talking about his bad childhood one day?

Good for you, you need a life too. Don't feel guilty, sounds this new man will give you the energy to make some changes.

Questions

1. when you publicly vowed to stick by him in sickness and in health, what did you imagine this meant?
2. After putting up with his illness for so long, why do you choose to leave him now he is getting help?
3. If you say had a car crash and were left paralysed you think it would be fair for him to walk out on you for a dolly bird? Or is the fact that he is mentally ill mean it is more his fault than a physical illness.?

when he publicly vowed to love, cherish and honour what did he think that meant?

I think you need to sort issues out with your dh before bringing someone else into the picture. Don't be hard on yourself you had a very hard time. Now step away from this other man. Now think can you keep living with your dh as he us now. Is he and you getting enough support. Are you safe? Can you go and stay with family for a few days so you can clear your mind. Suggest you move thus to relationships on mn. Sending you hugs x

This man was a nice distraction you have done nothing wrong. You sound done in your husband may be ill but doesnt mean you should cope all the time it sounds hard, ignore the poster who was trying to reinforce your feelings of disgust they dont know what they are talking about, day in day out living with somebody like your husband must be soul destroying ,

You deserve to be happy. You have put yourself last for a long time, sounds like you need to put yourself first for a change. Life is too short to be chronically unhappy, you need some positivity. Whether getting straight into another relationship is the answer is another question but I think you would nit be unreasonable to walk away from your marraige now. And I would say the same to any man/woman in this position.

And marrying someone does not mean you have to put up with a lifetime of verbal and emotional abuse, regardless of whether the abuser has a mental health problem or not. I feel real pity for the poster here who seems to think that's the case.

I meant to say dont be friends with this man sort what you want first , imo if you fancy him you will go to him whrn you need to talk or just for an ego boost I dont mean to sound harsh just stay away from him for the moment

Helps kitty. If I had a car crash and became drably abusive and starting smashing things when I lost control I would absolutely expect him to leave, when a relationship drives you to the point of suicide again it may be time to leave.

He is getting help because I gave him an ultimatum amd he was suicidal,

I am not prepared to be someone's verbal punchbag or let my ds see that,

My ds has got a stable home now and no we don't want him talking about his bad childhood that's why dh is in hospital.

I am not planning to run off with this man at all I am so far from ready for that it's untrue however I do like the way I feel around him (ie like myself) and it's nice for the first time in years to be with someone so full of life.

He agreed to love and cherish me for better for worse not

Verbally abuse me when we have arguments

Sit on a couch and stare at the wall all day when I'm killing myself doing everything.

Tell me I have done nothing for him when it literally couldn't be further from the truth.

Criticise me or have a go whenever he is feeling down about himself.

Smash things when in a temper.

That's why after all these years I'm kind of thinking, hey maybe I can enjoy what's left of my youth without a constant feeling of anxiety in my stomach with someone who will love , protect and cherish me equally.

Yes he is getting help now but a lot of damage has been done , all though all the good times are just as heartbreaking to to think about because the other side the one that used to be there all the time is amazing. I find it hard to trust that we can be together without all of this .