To feel sick an hate myself right now

[Rosenrot30]

I needed to get this off my chest or I am going to combust with a mixture of shame , excitement and horror.

Long story short, duh and I have been together nearly ten years, four of which have been hell due to dh having bipolar and anger issues from a horrible childhood. He had a nervous breakdown three years ago and I never got him back, he became verbally abusive when on a low amd manic hyper talking a thousand miles a minute and can never concentrate long enough to hear what I have to say or is constantly interrupting me as he will forget what he has to say, he became highly paranoid and stopped going out, washing or making an effort he also has an addictive personality and has some drug issues.

I have supported him and took on all the daily jobs including care of our son and building a business after I lost my job when I caled in sick because he was on one.

He became increasingly critical even pulling me up for using big words and paranoid , thinks I am playing mind games etc

Last argument we had was a nasty one and it culminated with me telling him if he didn't get help it was over for good, I am mentally financially and physically exhausted and the last straw was him saying some really horrible things durin this last depressive phase.

he is now in hospital after not being able to shake off suicidal feelings and is accepting all the help he is offered but it's becoming more and more apparent he needs something to get him through the day and I can't bear the thought of the next forty years being me trying to handle his addictions and paranoia.

If you are wondering why I stuck it out so long there is a whole lot of good in him and he has tried hard, quit alcohol taught himself how to calm down when he felt the anger rising but there was something out of his control which he admitted to me the night before he went to hospital.

I saw this as a turning point for us and was happy to finally get some peace from the constant negative talk and stories of childhood trauma I may sound horrible but when I say constant I mean imagine being stuck in a house with someone telli g you the same awful stories again and again day after day .

So my friends pulled together got me doing something I had wanted to in a long time and I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time

What I did not count on was having an incredibly strong attraction to the man in front of me without even seeing his face, it was like a magnet pulling me in, we got paired up for a team building Excercise and we were instant friends , as the night progressed i felt like I was talking to a male version of me and had a feeling I could trust him with my life. There was no flirting just this instant connection like we had known each other forever and he is my type in every single way that matters. He knows of my situation and we have agreed to be friends but we do fancy each other and have met up once (again as friends but the connection is undeniably there) he makes me feel like I could have fun again and is so encouraging about my dreams etc and gets me Like no one else not even my best friend.

The reason I feel sick is before this I would have waited for my husband to get better and see what happened with us , but now I have had a taste of what is like to be with someone who want everything I want from life and what it feels like to have fun again with someone who wants to have fun with me not just go along with it and not really get into it. Some of the things he has said to me is word for word how I feel about things myself which left me :0

I am not a cheat and have not been attracted to anyone since I met dh so this is a new and uncomfortable feeling.

Dh has cut off his family who are a bunch of psychos and narcissists (no exaggeration) and has only me and ds he is excited for the future but to be honest there has been so much damage done (the verbal abuse is hard to forget) and even dh says he doesn't think he can ever be the truly good husband and father he should be but is getting counselling etc because he wants to change.

Half of me thinks forget about this new person I shouldn't be friends with someone when we both fancy each other like mad and have a connection it's just not fair to dh but the other part of me thinks fuck that it's about time I had some happiness and I am loathe to cut him off as I can't ignore the feeling we were meant to meet even if it's just to be friends.

Sorry for rambling , I hate myself right now this is so unlike me and my family will just go all over dramatic and accuse me of all sorts if I talk to them.

Need advice desperately

OP - would you ever consider counselling for yourself to help you through this situation (counselling with or without DH) - I think what you need right now is support and someone who can help you see the word for the trees.

it's all very well having MN and real life help but a therapist could help you a lot I think.

hellskitty - please could you desist from your unhelpful questions. The OP knows all about her vows and she's living the nightmare. people like you making her second guess whether she wants to continue the relationship only make things much much worse.

I really feel for you you have been resilient and caring and all the rest of the strong you are supposed to be I do think you and your son deserve to be safe secure and happy, your son deserves better,

Mrsjayy you're so right - it's best to think of the DC.

So many times, eg if OP had a drug or alcohol or physically abusive DH we'd all say to LTB but anything else sometimes others feel you have to be patient or put up with it.

Mental cruelty can be torture and I think is grounds for divorce.

OP, it is obvious that you have been through a hell of a lot.

Please be nice to yourself. No need to feel sick and hate yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You got a glimpse of what life could be like, and it has made you reevaluate everything. Sounds very normal in the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up over that.

Make time for you and DS to just have fun. Really, life is in the here and now. Make the best of this time while your DH is in hospital.

Is there a suport worker for families you can talk to at the hospital maybe the not so you can stsy with him iyseim if you want to leave they might help you and your husband, that sounds a bit babbled but I hope u get the gist

It may well be that even if your husband gets better, even if he is never ill again, you may not be able to move on from how your relationship has been in the past. Sometimes a relationship is too broken to be mended. Sometimes a person is too broken to be mended. And you need to think of your child too. You need to be breaking the cycle and modelling normal, happy human relationships with him.

That is not to say you have to detach completely from your husband, you can still be there for him, as the father of your child, he could get better and start a new relationship with someone else.

You sound like you have given all you can OP, I would not judge you. I think you need a good space to get your head together before you get into another relationship though, even an intense friendship.

'He agreed to love and cherish me for better for worse not
Verbally abuse me when we have arguments
Sit on a couch and stare at the wall all day when I'm killing myself doing everything.
Tell me I have done nothing for him when it literally couldn't be further from the truth.
Criticise me or have a go whenever he is feeling down about himself.
Smash things when in a temper.'

HE WAS ILL.Can you not separate the illness from the person? You have not answered the question why is it now that he is seeking treatment you choose to leave him Can you not wait and see how he responds to treatment?
Ask yourself this,if you are so sure you are in the right, why you are feeling shame and horror at what you are doing?
You need to stop thinking with your fanjo and step up to the plate and at least give your DH a chance

your primary concern should be yourself and your son. You have done all you could. So leave your husband, rebuilt your self esteem and then think perhaps of starting a new relationship.

'You need to stop thinking with your fanjo and step up to the plate and at least give your DH a chance'

Utterly unhelpful.

why? .
The Op asked for advice, so why is an opinion ,because it is different to yours, unhelpful?

Because your opinion is needlessly aggressive and hectoring in tone.

Ah so the tone is unhelpful and not the content?

And how do you figure that my tone is 'hectoring and aggressive???'

'No doubt everyone on here will pat you on the back, but I think you are weak and god knows what your DC will think of you.'

''You need to stop thinking with your fanjo and step up to the plate'

Hectoring and aggressive.

Squoosh
Just read your post upthread
'Shut up hellskitty, you unhelpful, sanctimonious arse.
..and you dare to lecture me about aggressive hectoring tones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The OP needs to do what's best for her and her child. This does not mean becoming involved in a new romantic relationship but if she judges that they are better off not living with her husband than so be it. She can support him whilst being separate from him.

I think you owe it to your child to leave, he deserves as calm a childhood as possible. I feel very sorry for your dh but you have to protect your child and you are entitled to a life.

Awfully fond of an exclamation mark aren't you?

You aimed your aggression and moralising twaddle at someone who is in desperate need of helpful advice. My post was to you, not to a vulnerable OP.

If you need any further clarification just ask.

So many times, eg if OP had a drug or alcohol or physically abusive DH we'd all say to LTB but anything else sometimes others feel you have to be patient or put up with it

I agree, mention MH and it seems you have to tolerate any kind of abuse. As it is OP's DH has already been violent (throwing, smashing things) ans she said he has drug issues.

Take out the MH and it woulf be a unanimous maybe HellsKitty LTB

Op asks should she forget about this new person and I feel the answer's yes! Your life is already in flux, adding anything else will just add to the chaos. I echo what's being said above, take care of yourself first and concentrate on the immediate. Good luck!

HellsKitty you are being incredibly unhelpful. It is obvious what Rosenrot means - she is not "thinking of her fanjo" as you so delightfully put it. She means she has been tied to this man for many years, has done her utter utter best, and is feeling as though she has lost herself in the process. Now she has not simply met someone she wants to shag, but someone who has reminded her of who she is and who she should be.

OP you have one life. You have done and are doing your best. I doubt HellsKitty has any idea of the reality of living with someone like the man you describe. Do what you need to do.

OP, I think you sound at breaking point with the stress of supporting a husband with serious mental health issues.

I am bipolar myself, and my illness has put an enormous strain on my marriage and my husband, so in a strange way (thinking of all that my husband has had to shoulder) I can understand where you are coming from.

The thing is, this other man isnt the answer. The answer may be that you leave your husband, in order to preserve your own mental health and wellbeing. Or it may be that you stay with him, but seek a much higher level of support for yourself than you have previously (from a support organisation? Or through counselling to process your own feelings and identify your own needs & boundaries in relation to your husband's illness).

Whatever you do, an affair would be disastrous.

I also think that what squoosh said is very important: you can support him even if you arent with him. You can provide love and support without being in a romantic relationship with him. Absolutely.