Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not regret losing my virginity to someone I didn't love?

62 replies

sinningsaint · 25/06/2014 13:23

Wasn't sure where to post this so posted it here for the traffic and I know i'm probably going to get flamed for this but AIBU to not regret losing my virginity to someone with no mutual love? After reading a thread this morning I was just thinking about my first time and whether I had any regrets, to which I decided, despite barely knowing the guy, I didn't. I was 16 and he was a co-worker (my first job as a waitress, he was a chef) who was 11 years my senior, I realised then he was possibly taking advantage of me but I didn't care, and for some reason still don't. I have told all my DC's, like most parents, they should lose their virginity to someone they truly love and trust, but now wonder why as I didn't and it never affected me. I know it's best to lose your virginity to someone you love and trust but was just wondering whether anybody else has no regrets on losing it to someone they didn't?

OP posts:
Original poster
sinningsaint · 25/06/2014 13:25

Oh I'll just add he was very careful/respectful and didn't make me do anything I was uncomfortable with but I know this isn't always the case.

OP posts:
RumPunch · 25/06/2014 13:28

I lost my virginity to somebody I'd just met when I was 15. I don't regret it. Everybody's different.

Objection · 25/06/2014 13:28

I regret losing my virginity to the guy I did as had I waited a few years I could have done so with the love of my life.
But it's not worth dwelling on as in the end, it's not that important.

The 11 years your senior thing is very very worrying though. Why would a 27 year old want to sleep with a 16 year old?

brunette123 · 25/06/2014 13:29

I lost mine to someone I didn't love - I liked him at the time - I was 16 and curious. I have no regrets. If I had waited till I was with someone I loved, it would have been years later. We are all different.

MumOfTheMoos · 25/06/2014 13:30

I have absolutely no regrets losing my virginity to someoneI didn't love or sleeping with all the other guys that I didn't love either - I had a wail of a time! Sex without love doesn't mean it can't be pleasurable, fun and loving and an entirely positive thing.

What I would have regretted is doing something if I felt pushed into doing it, if I wasn't ready or didn't want to do something. I thin it would also have been quite sad if I'd loved the person but they hadn't loved me....

My DS is only 2 so it's a while longer before I have this conversation with him but I did used to 'mentor' a teenager. My advice to him was only to do anything that he was ready and happy to do and that the other person is ready and happy to do and whatever he did, use a condom.

misscph1973 · 25/06/2014 13:30

Hell no! Ideally of course I would have preferred a long term boy friend, but IRL I didn't have a long term boyfriend untill I was in my 20's, so I lost my virginity to some bloke on a festival when I was 18 - I was terribly embarassed about being a virgin because all my friends lost their virginity ages before me and I was convinced that no one would ever fancy me. The love thing was much further down my list. I just wanted it over with! Might be TMI, but he had a huge penis and my hymen was really thick, it was quite painful! He was quite cool about the whole thing and quite nice, but I didn't see him again and that was how I wanted it. But it got easier from there on, as I didn't feel too embarassed when I finally did get a long term boy friend - and I am still married to him ; He doesn't know much about my first time, as he like all men like to think he was my first, and I am still embarrased about being a virgin for so long ;)

BrucieTheShark · 25/06/2014 13:30

Why should you regret it? It was clearly your choice and you didn't feel pressured.

It's just sex.

How many men are sitting at home wondering if they ought to feel ashamed of some aspect of their sex life?

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 25/06/2014 13:31

I lost it at 16 to a guy who I fancied the pants off so the first time was amazing! As long as my dcs are safe and do it with someone kind etc I would be happy

Birdsgottafly · 25/06/2014 13:31

I don't think love has to be present for you to make the decision to have sex.

I wish the emphasis was more on respect, motives and self worth etc.

I see my teen (and adult) DD's friends etc make really harmful choices in the name of love.

The younger women that I mix with may be unlucky but the quality of their relationships and the lack of fun, makes me feel very sad that sexism and gender roles haven't changed that much since I was a teen.

Original poster
sinningsaint · 25/06/2014 13:35

Objection if i'm being honest I think he thought I was more 18/19 when he first met me and by the time he found out I was only 16 already fancied me.

OP posts:
Worriedkat · 25/06/2014 13:35

The second guy I slept with at 18yo was just sex, no love. It was no biggie in more ways than one Somehow my mother found out and went ballistic, telling me how much I'd regret it in years to come. 21 years later I'm still mystified about why it should be so regrettable. Maybe it's partially a generational thing?

Lottapianos · 25/06/2014 13:36

'It's just sex.'

Precisely. It doesn't have to be anything profound than that, like giving him your 'gift' or your 'flower' So long as it was a pleasant, consensual experience, what's to regret?

Mine was with a guy who was older than me too, completely consensual. We saw each other for a few months after and I did 'fall in love' with him, in a mildly crazed infatuated sort of way. I got over it though and have no regrets at all. I'm just glad it was my choice and was with someone who wasn't a scumbag.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 25/06/2014 13:39

Same OP. someone i only knew a few weeks, didnt have any feelings for and have no regrets.

Crinkle77 · 25/06/2014 13:43

I don't really understand why you think YABU. It was consensual and you don't regret it so don't really see the problem. I was 15 while my boyfriend was 16 and don't regret it it at all as he was my first love.

BertieBotts · 25/06/2014 13:46

Exactly Brucie :(

I don't think I loved the guy I lost it with either. I did love him later, but not then. It was more of a project Hmm

I don't regret it at all. It was fine. I wish I hadn't felt so pressured to do it (did it more because I had this idea that I was supposed to be super sexually active and I was a really old virgin, than because I wanted it) and I wish maybe I'd had more of an organic, exploring kind of experience but I have had loads of that since, so I'm really not convinced that the first time is as special as it's supposed to be made out to be.

It's weird when you think about it. Nothing else is held in such esteem. Nobody worries about their first time eating a steak or feels like their entire state of being will change when they become a nightclub customer for the first time. Or feels like their first house is more important to be "right" than the one they want to have as their "forever home". In fact you tend to accept that your first house/flat will be a bit of a dump!

Why can't it be the same for sex?

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/06/2014 13:49

I'm with you tbh

I didn't even know the guys name til after Blush

Was relief to get it over with though, if I'd have waited fir love I'd have waited a long time

NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/06/2014 13:49

I lost mine to a one night stand and really enjoyed it. No regrets at all. I didn't fall in love with anyone until my mid twenties and I couldn't have waited that long for sex.

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2014 13:52

I threw my virginity away at the age of 19 because by then the fact I was still a virgin was starting to stress me out (strange but true). He was a nice guy and i trusted him but I didn't love him. He did say how honoured he felt which I found quite weird because he seemed to feel he'd been given something of great value when to me it was something I was relieved to be shot of Confused.

As I didn't actually fall in love til I was 28 I'm quite glad I learnt to enjoy sex for its own sake first although yes, it is better when you love someone.

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2014 13:55

By 'threw it away' I mean I actively wanted rid of it rather than implying it was wasted. My only regret was that I felt so pressured to do that.

Tonicandgin · 25/06/2014 13:57

I lost mine to a guy I was in love with but ended up being ea. so I do regret it. We were in a relationship for years and he always liked the fact I hadn't been with anyone else.

Would have loved to have waited for my husband. I know I'm in the minority here though.

Original poster
sinningsaint · 25/06/2014 13:59

Well i'm glad i'm not the only one! I think the only reason I feel I was 'being unreasonable' was because of the stigma that surrounds losing your virginity to someone you love etc. but I agree with many of you that I just wanted to cross the hurdle, no matter who it was with really! I was just really desperate to have sex so had it with the first guy who felt the same way Grin.

OP posts:
HouseBaelish · 25/06/2014 14:04

I don't think the message of "you should only lose your virginity to someone you love" is necessarily helpful.

When the time comes I'll be talking to my daughter about respectful relationships, staying safe and waiting until you're ready (which may or may not mean you love the person)

I've never regretted any of the people I slept with

thatwhichwecallarose · 25/06/2014 14:14

YANBU. And I say that as someone who has only slept with one person. Like others I think respect, consent and safety are way more important.

ChilliMum · 25/06/2014 14:17

I was having a similar conversation with a friend last week. My dd is eight so purely hypothetical but I don't plan to tell her that her first time should be with someone she loves. Mine wasn't I have no regrets it was a great experience. He did go on to be my first love contrary to my mum's opinion that no man" will want a relationship with a girl who is easy"!

I will tell her that it is her choice, when she is ready and when its something she wants to do because just as importantly if she loves someone she
shouldn't feel she must be having sex to prove it. The two things don't have to go together.

thatwhichwecallarose · 25/06/2014 14:29

That's a good point chillimum. It's way more important to stress the opposite. Even if you do love someone it doesn't mean you should have sex if you don't want to.