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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not regret losing my virginity to someone I didn't love?

62 replies

sinningsaint · 25/06/2014 13:23

Wasn't sure where to post this so posted it here for the traffic and I know i'm probably going to get flamed for this but AIBU to not regret losing my virginity to someone with no mutual love? After reading a thread this morning I was just thinking about my first time and whether I had any regrets, to which I decided, despite barely knowing the guy, I didn't. I was 16 and he was a co-worker (my first job as a waitress, he was a chef) who was 11 years my senior, I realised then he was possibly taking advantage of me but I didn't care, and for some reason still don't. I have told all my DC's, like most parents, they should lose their virginity to someone they truly love and trust, but now wonder why as I didn't and it never affected me. I know it's best to lose your virginity to someone you love and trust but was just wondering whether anybody else has no regrets on losing it to someone they didn't?

OP posts:

Bambambini · 25/06/2014 14:32

lost mine to a one night stand I didn't even fancy. Couldn't care less - was glad to be rid and it meant nothing.

squoosh · 25/06/2014 14:33

I 'lost' mine to someone who was as sexy as hell. I've never had a problem enjoying sex with people I haven't been in love with.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 25/06/2014 14:39

I don't think you 'ought' to love the person you lose your virginity with.

But I would say that, if you don't choose someone you at least trust and respect, you are more at risk of it being a bad experience. Just in the sense that any one night stand might not be great - and for many people it would be more of a big deal if a first time ONS was a bit shit and didn't care about their pleasure. If that risk doesn't bother you then find, go ahead. If you want your first time to be 'nice', you stand a better chance if it's someone you know respects you and will try and ensure you have fun!

Catswiththumbs · 25/06/2014 14:46

My first was when I was relatively "old" just a few weeks before my 19th birthday.

Remarkably similar to OP, an older chef (only 20's!) who I liked spending time with and who respected me, but there was no love between us. He didn't realise I was a virgin! But I am glad I lost it to him, he was lovely and we still keep in touch years later.

Why should girls be told to save their virginity? Sex is enjoyable. I have had one night stands, "fuck buddy's" and serious romantic relationships. Good sex doesn't come from love, just as love doesn't come from good sex.

It is nothing to be ashamed of and I am open about my sex life, yet I wouldn't class myself as promiscuous, nor would I encourage a (fe)male to become sexually active until they felt ready.

If I had have lost my virginity earlier or to someone else I might not have the same outlook! And it was several years until I felt love towards another, by which time it may have been very very stressful!

Agrestic · 25/06/2014 15:08

I lost my virginity to my boyfriend (same age) at 14 and a half. We had been 'seeing' each other for about a year. It was a spur of the moment thing. I thought I loved him but looking back I didn't. Don't regret it for a second, we didn't do it again then broke up months later. I didn't do it again for a few years but was comforted by the fact it wasn't anything to be scared of.

He's dating a celeb these days

odowdandproud · 25/06/2014 15:16

Mine was with someone I'd fancied all the way through school. He was a lovely guy and we were friends. We didn't love each other, but I didn't care about that. We had respect for each other.

I remember a friend lost her with a guy she met in a club and she said - I'm so glad that's over with (about her virginity). He didn't care about her in the slightest and it was just one more shag to him. Whether that bothered her I don't know - it would have bothered me though.

BigPawsBrown · 25/06/2014 15:16

I think if it's not someone you love and trust the likelihood they will abuse you increases (a bit). You were lucky.

defineme · 25/06/2014 15:23

I never give it a seconds thought. I didn't have a properly serious relationship eg more than a couple of months until I was 24-I think I would have exploded if I'd waited until then.
He was a nice man, I fancied him a lot, we used contraception, it was fine.
I've never understood this waiting business-I have always just done what I felt like at the time. I slept with dh the first night I met him and 16 years later that still seems like a good choice!

RabidFairy · 25/06/2014 15:31

This is a gender issue. Women are expected to be careful who they "lose" their virginity too and should only love their partners etc because in the best case we are the "gentler" sex and in the worst case because plenty of people would like very much to control women's sexuality. As someone mentions up thread, how many men are sitting around wondering if they should regret their sexual partners?

I was told I should wait for love to come first which as it turns out is what happened with me, but I shall not be telling my children the same. I shall teach them the physical risks of SIDS and pregnancy and furthermore about respecting themselves and their future partners. Way more important in my view.

Viriginity in women and girls is seen as this mystical thing that once "lost" is never recovered, like some fucking precious jewel. And the implication that a man has the power to remove a woman's virginity. The whole thing is bullshit.

softlysoftly · 25/06/2014 15:32

I lost mine at 15 to an older bloke who I didn't know, I was drunk.

Should it have happened and was it enjoyable? No and no.

Do I regret it, spend time thinking about it or otherwise give a shiny shit? No!

Its a physical act, it really really doesn't matter as long as you are safe and not abused. I don't think love and sex are always or should always be linked.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/06/2014 15:38

'I don't think the message of "you should only lose your virginity to someone you love" is necessarily helpful.'

Agree with this very strongly.

I did lose mine to someone I loved, and I don't regret that either (although thank goodness we both learned a lot since then! ). I think the most imporant thing is that it's something you want to do, and they want to do, and that it's safe. It's terribly sad to think of anyone losing their virginity then feeling guilty they didn't love the other person ... you should be able to look back and feel happy about it, shouldn't you?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/06/2014 15:41

Gah, double posting, but 'I think if it's not someone you love and trust the likelihood they will abuse you increases (a bit). You were lucky.'

I don't follow this.

Surely you loving and trusting them doesn't in the slightest mean you are correct to do so? If they love and trust you, they won't abuse you (I'd hope!). But if you love and trust them, you'll avoid abuse? That strikes me as a really dangerous fallacy - as if, if a woman who's abused is being punished for not loving the bloke. I know that's not what you mean, but it's the message I think I'd take away from that if I were a teenager.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 25/06/2014 15:42

I don't regret having sex, i just think 14 was too young, and the guy was a tool but I did love him at the time. Obviously, it wasn't real love that I have now. But still, I enjoyed it at the time, whats the point in looking back at it in anger?
BUT
I can't just SLEEP with someone. There has to be feelings there. DP i've known for 4 years nearly and I've liked him since I met him 4 years ago. nearly 2 years ago I slept with him for the first time when we weren't together but there were still feelings there. Therefore, it was lovely.
First time is shit. Haha.

DoJo · 25/06/2014 15:42

I'm glad I didn't wait for love - I met my husband when I was 19 and am glad that I had had plenty of experience before that as otherwise I can imagine feeling as though I wanted to experiment a little more before committing to someone for the rest of my life.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 25/06/2014 15:51

Good point LRD. I phrased my post clumsily. I should have said someone you believe respects you. Of course, your belief could be wrong, but it's a better starting point than nothing.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/06/2014 15:54

Oh, sure. I agree with that. I was just nit-picking at the language (not just of your post, but also the slightly different language of big's post).

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 25/06/2014 16:03

You were totally right to LRD. it is important. In my defence, it was the right way round at the end of the post.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/06/2014 16:04

I honestly wasn't trying to be arsey! Now I'm blushing!

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 25/06/2014 16:07

I didn't think you were.

LurcioAgain · 25/06/2014 16:22

Of course YANBU - your body, your choice!

Callani · 25/06/2014 16:28

I think the idea that you should love someone to lose your virginity to them confuses the issue.

The first time I had sex was because I was incredibly horny and really wanted to have sex with the guy I was seeing - it was great fun, I initiated it and I haven't regretted it for a second even though I never loved him.

I know women that were pressured into having sex with boyfriends because "if you really loved me, then you'd do it" - that to me is the real worry.

So it shouldn't be about love, it should be about whether you really want to and you can trust someone.

BigPawsBrown · 25/06/2014 18:31

LRD I just meant because you know them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/06/2014 18:38

But most women are abused by people they know, that's the point.

SauvignonBlanche · 25/06/2014 18:49

I had sex for the first time to someone I was in love with and had been in a relationship with for 8 months, but, I was only 14, I regret being so young.

Alisvolatpropiis · 25/06/2014 18:59

Yanbu

The boy I lost mine to was a couple of years older and we had sporadically dated for a few years (more off than on).

He was kind and gentle at the time.

We're still friends now. I don't regret it at all.

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