Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

While we're on the subject of child maintenance. How many would admit to living with a DP who doesn't pay it?

170 replies

WorraLiberty · 23/06/2014 22:51

I'm just curious that's all.

It's quite common to read that a lot of MNetters don't receive any maintenance for their kids.

Yet it's also quite common to read that MNetters DPs do pay maintenance for their kids.

So AIBU to wonder why there is such a discrepancy? Or is there something I've (quite possibly!) overlooked?

Is there a chance that some men are claiming they do pay their exes when they actually don't...and that their new DPs are non the wiser?

OP posts:
minlillehus · 24/06/2014 20:02

BertieBotts, that is my x's mentality. That I should have nothing left for me. If I have a penny left, then in his eyes, he should give less. The fact that he has a lot of disposable income and I have very little doesn't seem to register as an inequality in his eyes. He sees it as right. He genuinely believes that raising the children should cost me about 80% of what I have, and cost him about 20% of what he has. Are some people given £7 a week ? That is outrageous? What is wrong with the world.

BertieBotts · 24/06/2014 20:07

Yeah, I never bothered going through the CSA with my ex because I would have got about £1.11 a week I think it worked out as, because he had a child with his new gf and she had a child and once the CSA took their percentage (Still Angry that they have implemented this) - really nowhere near worth how annoyed it would have made him and how much of a sense it would have given him, in some way, that I owed him anything back or was accountable to him in any way.

DoJo · 24/06/2014 20:09

My point being is that a nrp could be paying all they are bound to pay yet the rp still cuts contact. Maybe the only leverage they have is the maintenance. I can certainly empathise with that. It would take a good nrp a lot of soul searching to resort to that.

So the solution to a child being denied contact with one parent is to compound it by denying them the financial support they are entitled to as well? Because that should be the important thing in all this - what's best for the child. I agree with the last section of that quote though, because I don't believe a good NRP would resort to that.

Jayne35 · 24/06/2014 20:13

I am a nrp and I pay the csa recommended amount.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 24/06/2014 20:19

One of OHs associates (I refuse to call him a friend) let's call him Dickhead 'cause that's what he is, is is one of these. He's very happy to tell people that he pays nothing towards his first child, because he not 'allowed' see her.

The fact that when he left them he moved nearly 350 miles away to be with then then OW (who didn't know she was the OW) and refused to even met half way had nothing to do with it...

He complained that she wouldn't put the 4 year old on a train or a bus alone. Seriously he thought this was a reasonable request! He stated in shock that his ex expected him to either met half way or pay for her ticket. Why should he have to pay to see his child after all he'd be feeding her all weekend.

When one of the lads pointed out that the little girl needed feeding housing etc 7 days a week every week he was told to fuck off, he didn't have kids he didn't know how hard poor Dickhead had it how much he missed his LO.

This all came out at a social event which was the same night OW found out she was the OW, he'd basically been living a double life. Give her her due she dumped him then and there.

That was a fun night.

He's since had another child with a different partner. When the subject came up again, brought up by him, she was vicious about defending his reasons for not paying, calling ex-wife all sorts even though she's never met her. Basically parroting what he'd said. Claimed if ex would be reasonable so would they.

Sadly she may be about to find out so how reasonable he may be as he appears to be up to his old tricks. Of course she may decide to carry on with the relationship, but looking at his track record his usual pattern is to line up a new woman before walking away without a word.

And while I thought she was very silly at the time I think she's going to learn the hard way, and worse there's going to be another child growing wondering why thier father isn't bothered with them.

She thinks their relationship is different, it maybe, problem is he still the same Dickhead.

MammaTJ · 24/06/2014 20:29

Are you saying she was actually neglecting the children?

Yes. (the one child, not the children)

Why didn't you report it.

We didn't report it because it was easier to deal with it that to report to an overstretched inadequate SS. She was also very vocal in telling their DD every wrong her Dad commited. We were ok with her telling her that he had stopped paying her, because she could see for herself that we were spending the money on her.
Telling her he/we (most likely I) had reported her DM to SS would have been harder for DStD to deal with!

Or was it just a matter of different standards?

My standards are quite low, clothes that are clean and fit. Her clothes were always clean, no fault to find there, but they did not fit. DStD was embarrassed!

HavanaSlife · 24/06/2014 20:30

When ds1s dad started the same old tricks with his gf as he'd played with me she left and stopped contact. ds1 didn't see his sister for nearly 5 years, he was 14 at the time. I don't think he will ever forgive his dad for that.

elastamum · 24/06/2014 20:42

We have a non traditional approach to child support. At my suggestion, I gave up on claiming child support off my ex a few years back. It was a huge source of conflict.

We now have a joint account into which we pay money and I use that for clothes, phones etc. I pay all the bills at mine, him at his. OK I earn less and pay more as the DC spend more time with me, but I consider that I am lucky. In a very few years they will be off to uni. If we have big expenses, school fees, trips, computers, we split it 50:50. Since we started this, we have never argued about money. The DC go back and forwards between us as they like and we have keys to each others houses.

My DP doesn't pay or get maintenance either, as his school age DC live with him half the time.(his ex is the higher earner) He also has a joint account with his ex for expenses.

This might seem like a slightly unusual arrangement, and you have to get on well to share a bank account with your ex, but it works for us. I might be slightly worse off financially, but the benefits for the DC are huge.

NatashaBee · 24/06/2014 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

missymayhemsmum · 24/06/2014 20:50

Just to put the other side, I want to give a big cheer for my goodhearted but previously unreliable exh who has paid modest but very useful maintenance year in year out for our two, even through uni, and even when he was skint and in and out of work.
Partly because his lovely lovely second wife has made sure he regarded it as his first financial commitment, not just because she adores the kids and is the world's kindest stepmother, but because she loves him and wants him to have self respect as a good dad.

EverythingCounts · 24/06/2014 21:48

Missy - that's a really nice report to hear (wonders if stepmum is an MNer)

PeachyParisian · 24/06/2014 22:22

elastamum Shock very impressed that anyone can have a joint account with an Ex!

Bonsoir · 25/06/2014 05:44

My DP and his exW do the joint account thing. It doesn't solve all problems but does at least ring fence money to be spent on the DSSs. It's a bit of a hassle though, in practice, shopping for different family members with different bank cards.

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 25/06/2014 08:58

elastamum
OK I earn less and pay more as the DC spend more time with me...Since we started this, we have never argued about money...I might be slightly worse off financially, but the benefits for the DC are huge

Sounds like it works well for you and that's the most important thing, but do you think it would work as well if your EX was the one who was worse off?

Chunderella · 25/06/2014 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/06/2014 16:58

Social Services aren't likely to take an interest in a child simply because they have clean but ill fitting clothes and home cut hair

That's because it's not actually neglect

HavanaSlife · 25/06/2014 17:24

No probably not neglect, although not very nice if you can afford clothes.

Saying that, I nev range sent ds1 and 2 down to their dads in their good, better fitting clothes as I never got them back and couldn't afford to keep buying new.

But no money off ds1s dad and £25 a week off ds2s, I don't think it was much to ask that they buy a few outfits for when they have them

Chunderella · 25/06/2014 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavanaSlife · 25/06/2014 17:55

It's not neglect in the let's phone ss kind of way, but sitting her thinking about it, putting your children in clothes that are too small must be uncomfortable for them and could cause issues of bullying if they are older children.

So I can see how people would say it's neglectful if the parent can afford new clothes but just isn't bothering. I'd probably just think the person was a selfish fucker though

Chunderella · 25/06/2014 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavanaSlife · 25/06/2014 18:07

Agree

carabos · 25/06/2014 18:16

I spent 12 years trying to get my well-paid, from a wealthy family, remarried to a wealthy woman, ex husband to pay maintenance for our DS. His reasoning for not paying was that he didn't see him (his choice) so shouldn't have to contribute. He also did the "you can manage without extra money from me" thing.

At one court hearing, his solicitor went through the income statements and actually said out loud that the only reason I was "hounding" his client for money was greed, because my statement of affairs indicated that I could manage on my own income. I didn't "need" the money so I shouldn't be asking for it. Oh and the second wife was the one who drove the no-contact, no-money situation.

Rather than admit that he was a no contact, no support parent, XH went further and eventually got himself into a new neighbourhood and social group where no-one knew that he had a) been married before and b) had a child of that marriage. Including his DD by his second wife Shock. His neighbours were somewhat surprised when through a rather weird set of circumstances me, DS1 (his) DS2 and DH moved into XH's village for a 9 month period and it all came out. DS1 looks identical to him, so there was no arguing it really.

Men like this (and the women who encourage and enable them) make my blood boil. They need putting in the stocks. Angry

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/06/2014 18:16

I do think the OP's question is interesting though. My stbx stopped paying maintenance months ago, when he moved in with his OW (they'd just gotten engaged). He literally quit his job, moved a few hours away to the OW's house (and her kids), and stopped paying maintenance. He hasn't spoken or seen the DCs since then.

The OW has just recently kicked him out, and I'm curious why (although I refuse to ask - I'll just have to always wonder I suppose). Was he behaving abusively as he did to us? Was it because he wasn't working (and most likely not trying that hard to find a job)? Did she know that he wasn't paying maintenance - she obviously knew he wasn't seeing his DCs.

BruthasTortoise · 25/06/2014 18:23

My DH doesn't pay maintenance for my DSSs because he is the RP. Their Mother doesn't pay maintenance because "I gave birth to them and I'm a woman and women don't pay maintenance." When CSA finally managed to get a attachment on her wage she quit her job. Classy woman Hmm

needaholidaynow · 25/06/2014 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.