While we're on the subject of child maintenance. How many would admit to living with a DP who doesn't pay it?

[WorraLiberty]

I'm just curious that's all.

It's quite common to read that a lot of MNetters don't receive any maintenance for their kids.

Yet it's also quite common to read that MNetters DPs do pay maintenance for their kids.

So AIBU to wonder why there is such a discrepancy? Or is there something I've (quite possibly!) overlooked?

Is there a chance that some men are claiming they do pay their exes when they actually don't...and that their new DPs are non the wiser?

BadlyShavedYeti, could your DP not find say £5 per week when he was unemployed?

I know that doesn't sound much but £20 per month would go a long way towards buying shoes that they seem to go through so fast, or towards the gas/electric.

It would be a deal breaker for me too. Unfortunately not a deal breaker for Ex's wife.

Sorry Bogey but that stinks.

Who is he to say what the maintenance should be spent on? Even the DWP don't say what JSA should be spent on.

My friend used to say how her DP used to buy things for his children because his Ex used to spend the money on herself and then he would end up buying essentials for them anyway. Then they split up, friend happened to have conversation with Ex. Ex was able to show evidence that DP had never ever contributed financially despite going through all of the correct channels - she had years worth of correspondence. Friend had been completely duped by him.

Oh and one of my best friends split up from her DP last year. He is self employed and apparently earns less than a quarter of what he did when they were together

He apparently doesn't see why he should pay because she receives benefits. He forgets that the reason she receives benefits is that one of their children is severely disabled and needs round the clock care. He is scum.

It would be a TOTAL dealbreaker for me too if I was with a man who had kids with his ex and shirked on maintenance.

But once my sister had a new boyfriend and told me he did this (even though he had money for booze and drugs) (yes, what a catch!). I was horrified and said how could she even consider him. She hadn't thought it was her business. She has terrible low-self-esteem and always chooses appalling men, however there are a lot of women out there who fall into that category.

Even NRP's on means tested benefits are meant to pay £7 pw (used to be £5 still 5 if via CSA but £7 if the new service)

So someone being unemployed is no excuse, contribution based jsa is not based on household income

Worra, instead of giving the ex money whilst he was unemployed we paid for a hobby that DSS did. Ex was happy with this and she suggested it. Of course the cost of the hobby was nowhere near the amount he paid for maintenance but paying for the hobby was something we could just about afford.

DP was not entitled to any kind of benefits and because I worked we were not entitled to any help with rent or council tax. But that is another rant for another topic.

Oh fair enough if the ex was happy with that

You said in your earlier post that she was very unhappy that the money stopped...that's why I thought £5 or something per week/£20 per month, might at least help towards the odd pair of shoes etc.

Final nail in the coffin of one of my relationships.
I was quite young, no DCs and some things never really entered my head.
BF had a DC when he was 17 he never saw (didn't pay maintenance) - all the mother's family's fault - I believed it.
He also had another - the mother already had one DC. He would pick them up (his DD and DSD) and take them out on the odd Sundays - once a month maybe. Said he didn't like taking her out because he had to see his ex and she was horrible to him. I never met her. When he did take them out he gave his ex £20. Again this didn't really register with me. (The lacklustre parenting - or the fact he was probably not going to avoiding giving her any money - he used to complain she had asked him for 'extra' money!)
Then she went to the CSA...He 'sorted it' so he had to pay less than the '£20 per week he'd been paying before' ...
eg. He shared a really nice flat with a friend and paid less than half the rent (friend wanted to live there and BF couldn't really afford it) on his CSA form he was paying most of the rent etc etc..it was when he was telling me how clever he had been that the penny finally dropped and I realised what a bastard he was ...

Personally, a man who avoids supporting his children would be as attractive to me as a man who has a history of domestic violence. Would never go there in a million years.

She wasnt happy at first as the money just stopped, when the construction industry imploded people were laid off that day, so the money stopped straightaway. It took a few weeks for DP and his ex to come to the comprimise about the hobby, she was really really pissed off that the CSA stopped and let us know verbally quite a few times.

I think in the end she realised that we were not being unemployed to spite her and it left us in a big financial hole, so paying for the hobby was something that both parties were happy with.

My dp is currently paying £5 per week through the csa to his ex, its been a big drop from what he used to pay and he hates that he isnt properly supporting his children, but hes been off work for the past 18mths after a back injury and getting ssp.

I wish we could pay more but we have barely enough money to pay our bills and keep a roof and food on the table for when the kids are here.

before hes accident he paid £200 a month plus for all school uniform and school trips, school dinners and out of school activities.

He isnt a deadbeat dad although he currently feels like he is.

I dont think I could be with him if he felt differently

My now ExH did pay maintainance for a long time, then his DD was staying with us more and more in more and more scruffy clothes. We then went shopping, bought her clothes that fit and he stopped paying. He continued to buy her clothes, he continued to have her more than 50% of the time. Then she actually officially moved in with us.

When my Ex left me, he was pretty much spot on with payments, not arranged through the CSA. He paid a regular amount and half of agreed things, like clubs and uniform. This was because he could see I was spending the money on our DD.

No def not a dead beat dad smiling, when ds1s dad decided to go se he was earning over a grand a week. Csa gave them a year until their books were in order then and he was told to pay a fiver a week. I never received a penny. Now that's a dead beat dad

Unfortunately his ex doesnt feel the same way she decided to stop contact unless he pays more although ironically he was struggling to pay £100 for the first 6mths but she was adamant that my money should be included and then went to the csa (it had previously been a private arrangement) which is how it ended up at the £5 per week.

I do wish people wouldnt judge unless they know all the details

My ex does pay maintenance, but despite earning a very high 6 figure salary he paid less than the CSA figures. We then had to go to court for finances including spouse and child maintenance. Just over 1 year later he is making noises about going back to court. His partner actively supports and encourages that behaviour, despite the obvious stress that it causes to me and by implication DS. I expect they tell all their friends that he pays far in excess of what he should. Only he doesn't and it took a court order to get him to adequately pay. I have a problem with a man who short changes his old family and is mean.

I lived with and had a child with such a man. For 3 years I didn't know his wife and children even existed, and I saw his bank statements so knew no money was going to them.

When I did find out about the children, our DS was already a few months old. Initially he denied the children were his biologically. Eventually he admitted they were his (I'd figured it out for myself by that point).

He still doesn't pay for them. I recently put in a claim for child maintenance and had his wife called me, asking why I've done such a thing. 'She has 2 children with him and never resorted to asking for maintenance, just lived off her benefits, so why was I asking for maintenance when I only have 1 child with him'

This was because he could see I was spending the money on our DD.

are you suggesting that the common experience of an NRP not paying maintenance is because the NRP can't see what the money goes towards? or because they believe that the money won't go on the children? do you believe if I gave my ex a list of my incomings/outgoings and accounted for every penny he would then start paying maintenance?

I would hazard a guess, because I manage (and manage very well) that a full appraisal of my spending habits would just add fuel to the 'she doesn't need it' fire. No, I don't need it for us to be able to eat and go out and wear clothes and pay for childcare and for the house to be warm....but that surely doesn't mean my ex shouldn't contribute, does it?

Scruffy clothes don't necessarily indicate that the money isn't being spent on the children.

It just indicates that clothes might not be high on the priority list, before food/gas/electric/shoes, etc etc...

fedup I'm guessing the point was if you're handing over £500 a month and ex is spending £100 on the child for clothes/activities etc, that the extra £400 is way over the cost of extra rent/utilities/food for the time the child is with you. Not to mention that the maintenance should only be half. So in some circumstances you would in effect be bankrolling your ex. Whether you can afford to do it alone is irrelevant.

I can imagine that would be the case with footballers? If they had a one nighter and got a woman pregnant, they could be supporting them both for a very long time. Imagine the CSA payments!

My DH pays and has the child 50% of the time. I am fully supportive of him not paying her for anything but to both split out of the ordinary costs as they come up.

Why he pays for all the costs here, plus pays his ex for costs there, plus she receives child benefit, I have absolutely no idea how this is logical.

It's fair to say she said she was 'entitled' and 'he has to pay' when questioned about it. I'd rather the few hundred pounds put into savings for the child- but that would mean she'd lose a little control I guess.....