While we're on the subject of child maintenance. How many would admit to living with a DP who doesn't pay it?

[WorraLiberty]

I'm just curious that's all.

It's quite common to read that a lot of MNetters don't receive any maintenance for their kids.

Yet it's also quite common to read that MNetters DPs do pay maintenance for their kids.

So AIBU to wonder why there is such a discrepancy? Or is there something I've (quite possibly!) overlooked?

Is there a chance that some men are claiming they do pay their exes when they actually don't...and that their new DPs are non the wiser?

I think it is quite common for non-resident parents to feel "pissed off at subsidising their ex's chosen lifestyle". That is certainly how my DP's exW feels (DSSs live with us and to all intents and purposes she makes no decisions about their lives but she has to contribute financially to the costs of their upbringing and education). TBH I do understand why she feels pissed off even if I think she brought the situation upon herself. She did her utmost not to contribute while all the while dissimulating that fact from all those around her - so she simultaneously felt ashamed and pissed off. Not easy.

My DH pays through the CSA direct from his wage, so looking at his bank account would not indicate that he makes payments at all.

He doesn't pay for anything extra and we never see his daughter.

Her choice to stop contact and after taking advice from several quarters we have decided not to pursue it. We can only hope she will want to re-establish contact when she is a little older. He's done nothing wrong and it breaks his heart.

I don't give a shit what people think of him or me about the fact he doesn't fight to see her, until this thread I hadn't even given it any thought.

max direct from employer payments meaning he was a previous refuser?

My ex doesn't have a bank account so it would have to go via wages

The CSA do not deal with income over a certain amount.

And why the hell should a very high earner get to say I live in the lap of luxury but Claire down the road supports her kids on nmw so I am only going to contribute towards that standard of living?

How does he get paid without a bank account?

No, meaning his ex wife took him to the CSA after her friend told her she'd get more money from him that way.

He opted to have it deducted at source so she couldn't accuse him of not paying again.

I'm happy to admit my DH briefly didn't at one stage

Short version of the story is that he paid at first, his DD came to live with us after a while and when DH asked his ex for maintenance he was told to F off, so when DSD went back to her Mum and DH was asked to start paying again he told her that she could have a year without any - as he had done - and he'd start paying in 12 months, which he did

Fair enough max I forget they let you do that

I have heard from SO many people "Oh, well NRP pays X (never more than £30 a week) for their kids but RP always just spends it on his/herself" and I just think - you stupid, blind fools.

Honestly so many people fall for lines about "I'd give more if I knew it was going to the kids" it makes me sick - friends, parents, partners all somehow believing that you can raise children on air and sunshine.

I make a firm point correcting such idiotic assumptions.

No problem needs

He does now regret that decision however, as does she, as his employer has up to 8 weeks to pay the money across to the CSA meaning his ex has to wait for the money and they tell him his account is in arrears so take double the following pay day then have to go back to reducing it the pay day after. touch wood that hasn't happened for a while now so everyone's money is messed about with!

My dh ex has tried to deny cohabitation for 3 years in order to get a better divorce settlement, tried to blackmail Dh to get him to give her his charge when she moved and remarried, claims things like school trips/passports/uniform are more expensive then they actually are.

Latest we had DSS beg dad for money as apparently they are broke at home and can't survive. Yet DSS told dh last week that they are all staying in a fancy hotel the night of his sister's prom. Then realised he shouldn't have mentioned it because they are supposed to be skint. She can do what she wants with her money but getting your son to beg his dad for money to help survive is a real low. And no DSS was not asking dh to give the money to him on her behalf, she wanted more money pcm.

Anyway we don't believe any of her crap anymore. We pay half of everything, and then all his mobile, and minimum as per CSA. It comes out of our joint account so I know he pays.

When she was trying to blackmail us we incurred lots of legal fees and put us through hell. She wanted us to waste money fighting her. She now gets £320pcm a drop from £400pcm.

We spend a lot on DSS and the drop goes towards replacing our savings.

Im sure the £80 a month drop pisses her off, but seeing as DH never had to pay that amount in the first place I don't care. You can't treat people like that and still expect them to be generous.

I agree, Callani. I lost some respect for a friend of mine when she justified her DP's decision to minimise his child support payments because "He buys lots of things for his dc's while they're with us". Fine if it was a 50/50 arrangement, but it most certainly was not. Splurging on your dcs when they are with you is not the same thing as covering the boring old day-in day-out cost of bringing them up.

Exactly bibliomania, all splurging on the DCs does is make the NRP look very generous in the kid's eyes.

Kids don't realise that 'boring' things like food/gas/electric/clothes/uniforms/child care/rent/council tax etc...have to be paid for too.

worra he is paid cash, works in a pub. As well as his undeclared cash in hand work....

needs do you really think that having a baby by a footballer means you (not the child) should be entitled to a certain standard of living? Going by the max of £3,000pm and the old rates, that's around £24,000 a year for shagging a footballer. Amounts over the maximum are then decided via court so you could get even more! If I won the euro millions tomorrow I still wouldn't spend that much on a child.

No it really doesn't compare at all does it biblio?

The worst for me was when my (poor, naive, 18 year old) cousin was talking about her uni flatmate whose ex "spent all her CM on nights out and dressy outfits and cigarettes"

After some serious eye rolling I pointed out that, as a student, her friend's CM was hardly likely to be paying ground breaking amounts and that seeing as his ex was working she was MORE than likely paying for her occassional night out from her own money. And that actually housing and raising a child probably costs more than the pitiful amount that her friend was giving...

Luckily I think she saw the light, but so many people are way too eager to believe the whole scrounging single mum ripping off the poor menz story.

Not to mention that the maintenance should only be half.

Why? why should separated parents pay 50/50 towards the cost of bringing up their children when together parents would (rarely) split it 50/50? There are often huge discrepancies in salaries (my ex earns over 5 times what I earn) so why should I be paying half of all the children's costs? how is that fair or reasonable?

And with 3 children, I can assure you that the £130 a month my ex is supposed to pay towards our children (self employed, income in latest girlfriend's name) doesn't touch the sides. It costs me £140 a week just to go to work. He's not even paying 25% of our childcare costs, let alone anything else. I think it rare that that NRPs pay 50% of anything.

I ended up paying for DSD when DH retired.

He went from being 'ordered' to pay 300 per month (CSA) to 77 per month (CSA). He topped that up to 100 and thought that was OK. I didn't, but could not see that it was any of my business. He was paying, and was paying what HE could afford, I was just picking up the slack elsewhere.

DSD Mum was not impressed. I got sick of the arguments, sick of the tattling, sick of the sneering from mum and tears from DSD.

First of all I paid for DSDs transport to school - 120 a month - behind DH's back. That bit me in the arse when I discovered 2 years later that DSD wasn't taking the transport, and hadn't been for over 18 months. Of course it came out during the course of a row which then caused problems between DH and I.

Since then DH has refused to pay more than the 'official' amount, but knows (and doesn't care) that I give DSD extra on top. That will stop soon if I don't get another job! DSD is actually an adult now, but earning a V low wage. We don't have to pay her anything, but will do so until we can no longer afford it ourselves.

fifi

I like the CSA/CMS/the courts believe a child should be entitled to a standard of living that reflects both parents standards of living.

If one parent is rich or both are then that child should have a better standard of living

That is why we have a % of income rather than a flat per child figure.

My ex pays maintenance. I've always tried to think of the money as a 'bonus payment' and not rely on it for bills etc just in case he messes me around. 7 years later and he hasn't missed once. Thankfully he's a great dad.

My father OTOH is a shit dad. He left my DM with 4 children and remarried a woman with 2 DC. They went on to have 2 DC together.

He never paid a penny for us 3 older children but was forced to pay for my younger brother + arrears after the CSA caught up with him. He tried to get it reduced because he had another family to provide for (bearing in mind he had a very well paid job and so did my SM)

I didn't speak to him for years even though he lived in the same town as me. My DM was very bitter about it (rightly so) but it wasn't until I got to 20 yrs old that I wanted to find out what his side of the situation.

I had that conversation with him. It was my DM's fault, she stopped contact, she was a bitch, he was devastated etc. I gave him one more chance to prove himself.

Guess what happened?

The only time I ever saw or spoke to him was when I made the effort. He forgot mine and DD's birthdays (mine is the day after step sisters, he didn't forget hers ) I would go to his with DD and there would be gifts and clothes for my step sisters DC but nothing for my DD. They would regularly have step sisters DC so she could go out on the piss but wouldn't take my daughter to school so I could go to work unless I changed her school (SS lived further away than DD's school)

The list goes on.

I don't understand why my SM would want to be married to someone like that. He still lives in the same town as me, I haven't seen or spoke to him for 4 years now.

You know what? Like fuck am I helping them in their old age. They can do one.

I'm ashamed to say that my own BROTHER is one of these wankers. The kids are 18 and 17 now but he hasn't contributed anything since AT LEAST 2004.

I know this because my ex-SiL has shown me the letters and texts that he has sent over the years.

It is significant that I am still in touch with my ex-SiL 12 years after they divorced but I am NC with my wankbadger brother. It's not the sole reason, but it's a big factor.

Fortunately, my ex-SiL has remarried in 2003 and is extremely happy with a lovely bloke who I WISH was my brother

Sorry posted to soon.

But unless you intend on going down the "child automatically resides with wealthier parent" road then that does mean the resident parent of that child will also benefit.

As it should

I'm certain my ex DP is the type who tells people he pays child maintenance, and also does the 'sigh, I'd love to spend time with my ds, but it's just his mother, you know..' bit which results in sympathetic head shaking and tutting from all in the immediate vicinity. I'm sure that's why his parents cut off contact. He's so great at spin he should have gone into politics. In actuality he paid nothing for over three years and now benevolently hands me the princely sum of £40 a month as if he's doing me a great favour. He also has free access to DS and lives 5 minutes away. He doesn't see him.

I wouldn't judge a nrp who didn't pay maintenance when the rp has stopped contact for no good reason. The need for a relationship with both parents is just as important as maintenance, (barring abuse etc meaning a relationship is untenable.) Why should the rp have the power to stop contact on nothing more than a selfish whim?

Refusing to pay maintenance because the other parent is being a dick makes them a bit of a dick too.