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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or being a miserable fart?

98 replies

youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 02:17

DH is a very very good cook and loves having dinner parties.

I am sick of them as we are always having house guests (we live in the country and quite a way from all of our friends) and not only is it a lot of effort, but it costs a fortune. DH never remembers this as he doesn't do our finances, but our luckily guests end up with a three course meal, booze, a fry up the next day, clean bed and towels etc etc and DH and I end up doing a lot of cleaning.

Whilst I think its important that we keep friends, I sometimes guilty think I could be spending the money we spend on dinner parties (DH insists they don't cost us much as he is ‘buying food anyway’) on our imminent DC or a holiday for us both.

DH thinks if we didn't hold dinner parties, we'd lose some of our friends as they live miles away and we don't really know anyone locally. Part of me thinks he is right as we don't get many invites back, though they always jump at the chance to come to us.- in fact one couple try to invite themselves frequently stating that we can ‘see what we are in for’ with their 1 year old and do we fancy having them for the weekend? (No!)

However, we do have a handful of friends who have invited us for the weekend but then have taken us to expensive restaurants, which we simply can’t afford to do and I don’t feel like I can ask them to cook for us or to stay in if we get invited somewhere.

Am I being UR to think people take advantage of our hospitality?

OP posts:
Original poster
youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 12:09

Would it be UR to say to self invitees....."Shall we come to yours? we haven't seen your place yet and it would be so good to get away from ours once in a while?"

OP posts:
whitepuddingsupper · 23/06/2014 12:15

I'm with you, OP, I would be getting mightily pissed off at the money and effort spent on these people who don't reciprocate. Your pregnancy is the perfect excuse to put your feet up and look after yourself, tell people that you and DH are appreciating your last few weeks of time just the two of you and use the dinner party money to go out for a few nice meals just the two of you.

expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 12:15

I wouldn't invite any of these people this summer and show your DH this thread.

Tell self-inviters you have other commitments this summer.

From the sounds of it, these people have been using you for years.

Focus on getting more local friends.

eddielizzard · 23/06/2014 12:20

yes, i would say that to the self-invites. and if they say no, then say ok, i'll get back to you. and then it's a flat no.

you are being taken for a ride. it is lovely to entertain, but it has to be a two way street.

KirjavaTheCat · 23/06/2014 12:22

You need some new friends.

We entertain quite often too, and it is exhausting, but our friends arrive with a couple of bags of groceries to chip in with and help with the washing up...

KirjavaTheCat · 23/06/2014 12:23

And you're pregnant, too?! Your 'friends', if they want to visit you so badly, should be coming to help you out. Not expecting to be waited on hand and foot Shock

maninawomansworld · 23/06/2014 12:32

Yes my DW does this too!

She is a lovely person and as such has loads of really good, genuine friends. The whole issue of things being two ways doesn't bother me too much as we get invites back but whenever she says she wants to plan a gathering my heart sinks due to the sheer amount of work!

We have a very big house so she takes it as licence to invite loads of
people to her parties and then asks them to stay over as 'we've got plenty of bedrooms'.

The other week we had 5 couples staying over, some with DC's (plus loads of people who just can for the day). We spent the whole weekend essentially running a sodding B+B. Cooking, seeing to people's wants etc. I didn't actually get to see anyone because I was too busy running around like a blue arsed fly. We had a BBQ on the Saturday and I barely got any food because I was too busy. The kids constantly want to see the animals / tractor rides etc!

At the end when everyone's buggered off she pipes up 'wasn't that a lovely weekend?!' Errr... no it wasn't , I'm fucking knackered and my house is a tip so now I've got to spend 4 hours clearing up before falling into bed ready for a 6am start tomorrow!!

I hate entertaining at home.

Rant over.

RhiWrites · 23/06/2014 12:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I think what I'd do is keep a spreadsheet and tally up the financial cost of these jolly weekends so that husband can see that each one is costing £££ and together they add up to startling ££££.

The, when friends invite you I'd ask before committing "were you planning to cook, because we can't afford to go out to a restaurant?" I now do this with the cheeky buggers who expect that when I host that I will pay for all the food and when they host that I will pay for half the food.

And keep on inviting the nice generous people who come with a hospitality present and stump up for breakfast the next day - and offer to strip the beds etc.

FryOneFatManic · 23/06/2014 12:41

Real friendship is a two-way street. It doesn't sound like these people are real friends, they just take.

Original poster
youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 12:42

mainawomansworld- Sounds familiar! Our house is generally larger than others as well as we chose to live in the west country and not the home counties. DH has a very good job too and rather than going out and drinking like they do seemingly every other weekend, I spend money on my furniture and house, so they think we are loaded.

Im seething over again at the 'freebie' comment made to another friend.

Im looking at my wall chart and think I fended off a majority of self invitees.

Am i being UR to be a bit annoyed when people invite us but can't be arsed to make an effort/dont get any food in/take us to expensive restaurants when we have to pay?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 12:53

Block all these freeloaders. They are not friends.

maninawomansworld · 23/06/2014 12:55

You're not BU at all. Put your foot down and say NO. Have a row if that's what it takes. A row now and then is healthy and he well certainly back down for a while at least, if you make his life hard enough.

If he absolutely insists then let him, but tell him in no uncertain terms that he's doing ALL the work - the prep, cooking, serving, washing up, stripping and cleaning bedding as well as re making the beds and clearing up the devastation in the house afterwards. He will be begging you for help - at which point you say no way and go back to your wine.
He won't be so keen next time.

We had a hum-dinger of a row after the last weekend of misery with the result that another gathering in September has now been shelved!! (Thank fuck!) I suggested that perhaps having a few people over for a low key Sunday lunch might be more manageable and DW agreed. (Result).

Original poster
youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 13:09

Im glad I am not the only one on this one.

I can't help but feel we'd never see anyone if we didn't constantly make the effort, with the exception of a handful of buddies.

What makes me sound grabby, but which makes it worse for me is that a handful of these friends didn't even bother to buy us a wedding present last year!

OP posts:
rowna · 23/06/2014 13:30

No you're definitely not the only one. I find myself exhausted and bankrupt by dh's large supply of old friends. I think what it comes down to is that dh is much more sociable than me.

YANBU

eddielizzard · 23/06/2014 13:33

yes - i find that i have a handful of good friends who don't use me or take me for granted. i make a big effort for them because they're great.

and yes, it's outrageous to take you out to an expensive restaurant and expect you to pay when reciprocating your generosity. next time can you say it's too expensive, how about a pub instead?

KirjavaTheCat · 23/06/2014 13:33

Quality, not quantity, remember that.

The baby arriving will sort the sheep from the goats.

Original poster
youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 13:58

Yes this is very true.

Rowna - exactly the same, mostly DH friends though actually mine are more 'we can't afford it' whereas his are more 'can't compete with his cooking'.

Last time we said a restaurant was too expensive, they said they understood and to let us know when we were able to- honestly! DH makes me feel like I'm bad tempered about this and just says 'ah well, people are crap, in life there are givers and takers". Makes me cross as seems to be far more takers.

OP posts:
Original poster
youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 14:47

The other thing i get is "We must meet up!!! When are you coming to London/Manchester/Birmingham next?". Er...how about inviting me for the last time you came here fore dinner, when you and your then boyfriend had a drunken argument at 2am and I found you crying and lying on the floor in our dining room?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 16:02

Show him this thread.

Sounds like you are outgrowing these people.

Drunk argument with a boyfriend and sprawled on the floor of your host's dining room at 2am? Who does that past the age of, oh, 25?

Original poster
youbuggerz · 23/06/2014 17:28

Haha! I'm not showing him this thread, no need, he agrees with me really but enjoys hosting so if it was entirely up to him he'd keep on doing it. Because he doesn't realise what it costs.

The funny thing is I am in my 20s, though few years above 25! But that was totally unexpected, I didn't know him very well then. They won't be invited again, mainly as we both dislike her boyfriend (now husband) intensely!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/06/2014 17:34

Then spell out what it costs.

HermioneWeasley · 23/06/2014 17:35

Ignore the freeloaders

If they are good friends and you want to host them you could say "it would be lovely! Can you bring booze/chocolates/whatever". Some people just need to be told.

I do like the idea of saying "what a great idea, it has been a while and it would be lovely to come and see you so we get a little break before the baby comes"

hamptoncourt · 23/06/2014 17:36

YANBU.

I think it would be interesting to see how many of these "friends" drop away when tey aren't getting a free B&B in the country.

You don't need zillions of greedy friends anyway. You mention that you do have a core of nice friends who wouldn't take advantage. How about you stick with those you trust, and book a nice holiday for you and DH?

Thumbcat · 23/06/2014 17:57

Could you ask your friends who are coming to supply some booze and cook something cheap like a big chilli, or does your DH insist on getting all cheffy? For breakfast you could go to a cafe and everyone pay for themselves. That way he gets to have friends round to play and you don't have too much expense and hard work.

LongTimeLurking · 23/06/2014 18:04

YANBU, sounds like some of your 'friends' see you as a cheap weekend away and don't bother reciprocating.

How often are these frequent dinner parties though? Once or twice a year might be OK but based on what you are saying it is more often than that?

It is also completely taking the piss if they invite themselves around... or if they do offer to return the favour but take you out for a meal and expect you to pay half.