or being a miserable fart?

[youbuggerz]

DH is a very very good cook and loves having dinner parties.

I am sick of them as we are always having house guests (we live in the country and quite a way from all of our friends) and not only is it a lot of effort, but it costs a fortune. DH never remembers this as he doesn't do our finances, but our luckily guests end up with a three course meal, booze, a fry up the next day, clean bed and towels etc etc and DH and I end up doing a lot of cleaning.

Whilst I think its important that we keep friends, I sometimes guilty think I could be spending the money we spend on dinner parties (DH insists they don't cost us much as he is ‘buying food anyway’) on our imminent DC or a holiday for us both.

DH thinks if we didn't hold dinner parties, we'd lose some of our friends as they live miles away and we don't really know anyone locally. Part of me thinks he is right as we don't get many invites back, though they always jump at the chance to come to us.- in fact one couple try to invite themselves frequently stating that we can ‘see what we are in for’ with their 1 year old and do we fancy having them for the weekend? (No!)

However, we do have a handful of friends who have invited us for the weekend but then have taken us to expensive restaurants, which we simply can’t afford to do and I don’t feel like I can ask them to cook for us or to stay in if we get invited somewhere.

Am I being UR to think people take advantage of our hospitality?

Yes I so think these friends are taking the proverbial. I would suggest to your other half that the next time he invites people for the weekend he does all the prep himself. Then you can both have a proper discussion about what you will be doing once children arrive as then you will feel he fully understands your perspective. Just be open and honest about this.

If that fails then the next time you have house guests have your mum get 'ill' and take off for the entire week before to look after her returning after the guests have arrived. Or miss the weekend entirely.

Make new friends. The money you spend on dinner partie could be Spent going to a local pub to meet new people - or join some local group perhaps?

I think they take advantage of him too, so I can't do that to him. I might make him do the beds next time though. Just so he knows.

Thankfully I have kept it to a minimum since getting pregnant. But now it's summer and we are a few motorway junctions up from a popular holiday county, the 'self invites' are beginning to flood in. I've been strong so far, we are not their 7th night of accommodation !!!

Goodness. This just goes to show you that stingy people will be stingy whatever the arrangement. We visit friends in the countryside who don't have a lot of money -they inherited a house, but they're artists - and of course they're fairly bohemian. We spend giant fuckloads of money because this is the way the arrangement has been set, unfortunately - we bring all the alcohol, usually I'll bring a big pie/curry/quiche etc because they're not big cooks and my kids wind up scrounging around for food, and then we usually go to the pub the next day for lunch and my husband always pays.

There's no earthly reason why anyone should turn up to someone's house as weekend guests without provisions, particularly repeat guests. I don't see any way around washing sheets, but everything else can certainly be a joint effort among good friends.

If they never return the favour, just do a lot less of it ... three times a year to keep the friendships alive. Does your DH run it by you before inviting them?

Oh goodness, if you're pregnant now then you, IMO, have a cast iron excuse to let your DH at the very least make the beds for you! (I have a bad back and had SPD in pregnancy so making beds was almost impossible for me while pg) And either forget ironing them, or if you can't bear to, he can iron them. I hang my linens out on the line and fold them straight from there, then into the cupboard - they're flat enough when they go on the bed (but I don't indulge in 1000 threadcount cotton sheets so they flatten quite nicely without ironing)

YANBU, I think. People who are only one-way traffic with the visiting and so on are taking the piss. They should at the very least bring wine and/or a course for the dinner, even just cheese and chocolates! The friends who are too skint to bring anything seem to manage just fine to spend the petrol to come and visit though - so it's an excuse. If they can spend that much on petrol, they can afford another few quid on chocolate or wine. I presume a £5 bottle of plonk would not be sniffed at, so they're just being cheapskates.

When you've had your baby, you'll have another excuse to reduce the number of visits, especially in the first 6m. You'll be too tired and trying to get your baby to sleep!

But in the meantime, hand over the majority of the prep to your DH so he gets more of a picture of what it all entails.

He does thank goodness.

I'm hoping he won't want to have visitors as much when the DC are here as he'll be as knackered as I am!

Some of the friends are mine and I won't get to see them before the baby arrives unless they come to ours. I've given him strict instructions.

The friend whose coming didn't have a scrap of food and drink when I went to hers (we had to go out and pay through the nose for every meal when we went to hers), so when she comes next we are off to the local (10 miles away) pub!

Strict instructions he isn't laying out the red carpet

OH good plan! And make sure that she understands she's paying for her own meal as well, otherwise things could get ugly at the bill time!

Yeah I will somehow mention that when I pick her up from the train station.

We did avoid a friend who said to another that they needed to come see us as they needed a freebie!

If I read correctly, you're expecting a baby soon?

Use mum and baby groups as a way to find new, local friends and invite your far-away friends over less.

No DCs myself, but if it's stressing you out now (and it does sound stressful!) I can only imagine it being more so when you have a newborn/baby/toddler on the warpath!

Yes! Due in autumn. I have joined NCT to meet some local mums to be with that in mind.

They don't sound like real friends to me - you shouldn't be having to cook them elaborate meals and putting them up for the weekend (running yourself ragged) just to keep hold of them.

If they want to come & see you, that's lovely.

But why not just have a takeaway & each pay for ypur own?

And a fry up for breakfast after a dinner the night before??

The saddest thing is that he thinks they won't see you if it stops.

He'll either do a fry up or a load of waffles or pancakes.

It is very sad, but he needs to realise he does get a bit used!

A bit used??!!

Ok a lot used!

It depends how often are you doing the dinner party / weekends. I think it sounds fun, but I wouldn't want it to be happening every other weekend. Losing some friends is usually inevitable when you move away, and perhaps your DH will come to understand that local friends with similar aged children will be the best way forward. Don't worry, the penny will drop at some stage, when you meet some more people.
For the very persistent visitors, I think if people invite themselves they can be asked to bring their own towels and sheets.

We've let some friendships fade away after years of one-way hospitality. We were the big party throwers, but never had any invitations back. I don't miss them!

MrsMook- I am so glad that we are not the only ones.

Majesticwine- it is fun indeed, but not when its us thats footing the bill all the time and putting in all the effort.

I can see your husband's point of view that you need to make an effort to keep frienships going when there is distance involved but I'd be pulling this right in.

Yes they can visit & I suppose sitting bedding is inevitable but I'd be putting on a stew or curry in the slow cooker & asking the friends to bring pud. If they say they can't afford it say "oh. What will we do then?" Like shite they can't afford to spend a fiver on a cake. Breakfast would be scrambled eggs. And they can bring their own booze - how can they argue with "oh we don't have much alcohol in these days with me being pregnant but do feel free to bring your own".

People who come to freeload aren't friends. Genuine friends will chip in straight away.

Can I just point out that a majority of these friends go on stag and hen dos abroad and have also taken expensive foreign holidays this year whereas DH and I can't afford to go anywhere. I can't help but think if I had not been so bloody soft we would have gone somewhere!

Whoops just clocked all of my typos!

Just a devil's advocate thought...when friends come to you, do you think they are totting up the cost of petrol, cattery/kennel fees etc so although it seems like they're having a free weekend it could be costing them £60-80 just to get there? Don't think that's right tbh but could possibly explain their attitude?

These are not friends! These are pisstaking users.

Show your DH this thread and get some new mates.

These people won't bother with you once the gravy train stops.

Boooooo- They might be thinking like that but if thats the case why don't they invite us to theirs?

I don't think I am going to be extending anymore invites to people who do use us.

Ive learnt my lesson with one couple in particular who never bother to make contact with us yet came for lots of freebies- cheeky cow even bailed on my hen do to go out on the piss with someone else!. She's always been flaky with me so I lost interest in them really and haven't text her for months. I was proven correct in my suspicions in that i haven't heard from her, not even a congratulations on your pregnancy text when she clearly knows through friends and my family.