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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this is bordering on neglect

81 replies

oxfordcomma75 · 22/06/2014 22:58

So we have 3dc. 9, 7 and 20 months. Dh is not exactly hands on with them anyway but two issues occurred today.

Dh got some tools out of the cupboard and dropped a screwdriver on the floor. Fortunately I saw before 20 months dd could get it.

I went out for an hour to pick dd1 up from brownie camp. I returned to find dh upstairs. Ds in study on pc and dd in playroom with door shut. She can't open door and it's a hot conservatory. Ds apparently shut the door on her as she was annoying him.
So I challenged dh who claimed he had only been upstairs for a few minutes. The look of ds face said otherwise.
Aibu to find it hard to trust him with dc again. He has history for neglecting to change nappies etc too but he always seems to have an answer. Ie didn't want to wake her etc.

OP posts:
ComposHat · 23/06/2014 08:13

Ffs I wish people wouldn't bandy the world 'neglect' about. I worked as a social work assistant and believe me, if you think this looks like child neglect, then you are in for a shock as to what real child neglect looks like.

Mrsjayy · 23/06/2014 08:21

I am all to aware what child neglect is, but not looking after your child because you cant be bothered or they are in the way dirty nappies make you heave is neglectful, leaving a 20 month old to be shut in a room and not realise isnt great parenting

Xcountry · 23/06/2014 08:35

Yup, boot them out to play with their friends, all their friends are out too. Where I live, kids still play in the street on their bikes and scooters and roller skates and water pistols and don't come in unless they need to, If your house was full of kids then that's your fault for not booting them out, its a nice day - they are not allowed to play indoors on a nice day, Indoors is grounded or ill.

jonicomelately · 23/06/2014 08:36

I think some responses on here are pretty over the top. This isn't even close to neglect. All the 'is this the life you want' comments are astonishing. My dp is an amazing dad but he's very absent minded and doesn't see danger where normal people I do. If I were you op I'd give your dp a bollocking then move on!

Nanny0gg · 23/06/2014 09:00

It's not neglect, but I can't believe so many of you are happy about a 20 month old being shut in a room on her own without her father noticing! And it isn't fair to blame her 7 year-old brother - even without SEN it's not his responsibility to mind her!

Clearly the OP's DH doesn't have much of a clue and it's about time he got one.

MsAnneThorpe · 23/06/2014 09:27

As I see it, you have two options:

a) You can explain why his actions could have adversely impacted the safety of your children; and that more thought is needed from this point on because if anything happened to them as a direct result of his actions, then he'd never forgive himself.

b) Moan about him on the internet to a bunch of strangers who will gleefully tear into both him and your relationship with no regard - or knowledge - of the person he truly is, or the long-term consequences to your family unit of perhaps further tainting your opinion of him.

jonicomelately · 23/06/2014 09:40

I don't think anybody is happy about a young child being left in a room by themselves but it isn't neglect.

TheBogQueen · 23/06/2014 09:47

Of course it's not neglect -

Sillylass79 · 23/06/2014 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 23/06/2014 11:04

What sillylass said is what I was meaning

spindlyspindler · 23/06/2014 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2014 11:21

I will answer this from a SS POV.

Failing to supervise a young child, is neglect.

This can mean then being closed in a room and not ensuring their safety by leaving dangerous objects around.

One incident wouldn't "flag up", unless an injury occurred.

The question is whether you look after your children depending on whether SS would intervene, or you want to care for them in a way that means they won't come to harm.

A & E are filled with toddlers with injuries failing on objects, these get questioned.

Yes accidents happen, but why you wouldn't want to prevent these accidents, wherever possible, I don't really understand.

First time parents make mistakes, by your third, you know what they capable if/what can happen.

It isn't your DH that will have to live with a serious eye injury, or brain injury, after over heating and fitting.

These happen every day, they just aren't reported in the press.

Accidents to young children should happen because the Carer is to lazy or CBA to look after the child.
Laziness and not caring enough to prevent an accident is neglect.

spindlyspindler · 23/06/2014 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 23/06/2014 11:24

Or to answer the question directly, OP your DH is negligent in the care of his children, he has just gotten away with it ie an accident hasn't occurred.

But like a lot of Mums, you pick up the slack, that breeds resentment, long term.

jonicomelately · 23/06/2014 18:59

I think a lot of parents would be guilty of 'neglect' according to Birdsgottafly. No wonder ss are overstretched

Deemail · 23/06/2014 19:06

If he has form I can't understand why after years of this you would choose to have had more children with him. This gets me every time.

fledermaus · 23/06/2014 19:06

It's certainly careless and lazy.

Leaving a child under 2 unsupervised downstairs while you are doing something upstairs is pretty negligent imo.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 23/06/2014 19:27

I'm guilty of neglect by the standards on this thread, I'm sure I left my kids on their own quite a bit, to go to the kitchen and make lunch, take things upstairs, etc. I didn't shut them in a room, they were free to follow me about if they wanted, but I didn't worry about leaving them one little bit. What a wierd thread. The only time DS had a accident he was literally 6 inches away from me and I still wasn't able to save him!

ICanHearYou · 23/06/2014 20:00

I leave my two in the lounge and shut the door so they can't come and bother me while I am cooking all the time.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/06/2014 20:14

There are some way ott responses on this thread. Screwdriver, not great, hardly the end of the world.
And it was the brother who closed the door, not the adult.
I think it is a good thing for children to play by themselves, and they can do so as soon as the stop putting things I. Their mouth, at about 14 months ish.
The only crime was not noticing the door was shut.
This is far from neglect, just a more relaxed style of parenting. Some would argue that's better than helicopter parenting.

CheerfulYank · 23/06/2014 20:16

My DS will be 7 next month and he keeps an eye on DD (11 months) while I'm upstairs often. Usually just putting away laundry etc.

However due to stair gates and the layout of our house there really isn't anywhere she could go.

CheerfulYank · 23/06/2014 20:17

*13 months, not 11. Blush

Sillylass79 · 23/06/2014 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thedancingbear · 23/06/2014 21:24

I find the use of the term 'neglect' to describe what has happened here offensive. Anyone who thinks this counts as neglect has led a very sheltered existence.

Ronmione · 23/06/2014 21:30

The question I have is:

Did he know that you picked the screwdriver up? If not it took him 6 hours to bother.

And did he know that dd was shut in the room? And just left her to carry on

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