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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is bordering on neglect

81 replies

oxfordcomma75 · 22/06/2014 22:58

So we have 3dc. 9, 7 and 20 months. Dh is not exactly hands on with them anyway but two issues occurred today.

Dh got some tools out of the cupboard and dropped a screwdriver on the floor. Fortunately I saw before 20 months dd could get it.

I went out for an hour to pick dd1 up from brownie camp. I returned to find dh upstairs. Ds in study on pc and dd in playroom with door shut. She can't open door and it's a hot conservatory. Ds apparently shut the door on her as she was annoying him.
So I challenged dh who claimed he had only been upstairs for a few minutes. The look of ds face said otherwise.
Aibu to find it hard to trust him with dc again. He has history for neglecting to change nappies etc too but he always seems to have an answer. Ie didn't want to wake her etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 22/06/2014 23:31

You may be right about him princess.

OP posts:

Icimoi · 22/06/2014 23:31

PersonOfInterest, I queried having the playroom in a conservatory because it's the sort of place that can get very hot. OP has however explained it. OK with you?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 22/06/2014 23:34

A 20mth old was shut in a room alone? Did I get that right?

I wouldn't be happy about that at all.

Iflyaway · 22/06/2014 23:35

Your 7 year old should not have been made responsible for the family.

Up to you to chose a better life for you and dc.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 22/06/2014 23:36

ANd yes, ^your dh is responsible for that, not your 7yr old.

mrscog · 22/06/2014 23:42

Surely a 20 month old needs constant adult supervision anyway? I don't really turn my back on DS 2.4 for more than 30 seconds!!

peggyundercrackers · 22/06/2014 23:43

Sorry don't see any neglect at all in what you have written.

TheBogQueen · 22/06/2014 23:45

Shouldn't you be talking to your husband about this rather than a bunch of strangers on the Internet?

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 22/06/2014 23:49

I did. He claimed he had just popped upstairs. I also explained why I picked screwdriver up.
I was just testing water to see if people though I was making a fuss over nothing before talking further.

OP posts:

GreenPetal94 · 22/06/2014 23:50

It depends if the room she was shut in was unsafe to her. If as an adult you need to take a few minutes it is often safer to shut the door than not. I certainly did that when I needed the loo but I kept the house child safe.

But do use it as a chance to talk about parenting, but don't just get angry.

PrincessBabyCat · 22/06/2014 23:54

Shouldn't you be talking to your husband about this rather than a bunch of strangers on the Internet?

By that logic why even bother to have a relationships subforum?

Even if he does have a mental disorder (which it is likely that it is in the family if DS has SEN, seeing as how those are hereditary), it's not an excuse. But at the same time you can't expect perfection either. Sleep deprivation make these things worse. The real question is, when you ask him to do something, is he willing to help, or is he deliberately avoiding responsibility?

As long as the kids are alive and well by the time you come back, he's done a fine enough job watching them. You can't really go off your DS's facial expression for your husband's "a few minutes" either. If DS has SEN, there's a very likely chance he has no concept of time, so a few minutes could very well seem like a long time. Toddler could have only been in there for a few moments, which is very likely considering she was showing no signs of heat stroke when you got home.

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 22/06/2014 23:54

The room is safe but it would have been hot as vent was not open. She was fine as she probably wasn't in there long.
But had I been delayed she could have been in there longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

oxfordcomma75 · 22/06/2014 23:58

Sadly I am the one with sleep depravation. I co sleep in dds room so dh is not disturbed as he has a long commute. Also having night sweats and other joyful menopausal symptoms.
I am always up 1st at weekends too.

OP posts:

NoodleOodle · 23/06/2014 03:44

YANBU I wouldn't want the 7yr old to be responsible for the toddler. Going to faff around with lego would not be a good enough reason to go upstairs and effectively leave a 20month alone. If I were you, I'd ask DH to directly supervise when you go out.

Anything else and it could amount to neglect, unless truly only nipping out for a minute to the loo, for instance, but even then being quick and checking the room's baby safe and probably leaving the toilet door open so you can hear what's going on would be my strategy. It only takes a few seconds for a young child to do something dangerous like climb on something unstable...

Brabra · 23/06/2014 04:30

I can't actually see what was neglectful, the screwdriver is an accident, not changing sleeping babies nappies is the norm and it was your son who shut the baby in the conservatory. If you think you can do a better job, just get on with it.

Jenny70 · 23/06/2014 05:28

It is sailing close to neglect... would you trust your DH to look after the children for a weekend/a week? If you are worried that being left with the children would end up in them coming to harm/neglect, then yes his behaviour is neglectful. Yes, normally you are there to pick up the slack (or the screwdriver), but what if you aren't there for some reason...

You need to address this with him - if he is going to head upstairs and not watch the baby, forget to change them, be unwilling to help after a toilet accident (and wash the clothes etc), feed them, keep them safe then he can't be left with them as the responsible adult in charge. Accidents happen in the blink of an eye and if he isn't there to see it/react to it your children may be badly injured or left uncared for if he decides that he doesn't feel hungry = no lunch etc.

gingercat2 · 23/06/2014 05:38

I don't think he is being careful or watchful enough. It sounds like he is prioritizing his own activities over the kids' safety.

JulietBravoJuliet · 23/06/2014 06:19

I'm sure I've read this before. Either that or I have deja vu!

TheCatsBollocks · 23/06/2014 06:45

Talk to him.
Keep talking to him.
Ask him if the baby needs a nappy change.
Tell him to move his stuff out the way.

Sidthesausage · 23/06/2014 07:16

He's Basically expecting you to do all child related stuff. You need him to actually fully stop his DIY and fully be with the kids when you do brownie runs etc. Also he could take responsibility for them while you are there but you will need to be very clear and tell him he can't do DIY while he is responsible. Can you talk to him about stopping, putting tools down, reading, playing, taking kids to park etc and being fully hand on.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 23/06/2014 07:23

Haven't you got another thread on this?

You went out and your dd needed changing and your DH ignored it and you had to clear shit off the walls or something?

Xcountry · 23/06/2014 07:35

Your 9 and 7 year old cant play by themselves? Mine get booted out in the morning to go and play with their friends and only come in when they are hungry or need the loo. the 20 month old needing an eye kept on I understand but the other two should be able to see to themselves with an adult in the house just incase.

Greenrememberedhills · 23/06/2014 07:42

Xc are you serious? You "boot them out"? No wonder my house used to be do full of kids.

PlumpPartridge · 23/06/2014 07:43

Not sure it's neglect, but it's certainly not ideal.

I suggest that you put a short towel over the top of the conservatory door in the first instance - that way your DS won't be able to shut it or reach the towel to pull it down. In the second instance, I suggest you give your son a stern talking to about never shutting the door on his sister again.

I'd also emphasise to my DH that sloping off to play with lego rather than changing his son's soiled clothes is twattish in the extreme!

Mrsjayy · 23/06/2014 08:01

He is careless and lazy which can lead to neglect why doesnt he want to take care with his children has he always been so In different with them, tell him how you feel

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