Is it me or DP?

[NameChange1981]

Really not sure what to do and DP and I have had multiple arguments about this.

We are getting married and when looking around venues didn't mention the 'W' word as we weren't really sure what we wanted and didn't want to get bullshitted. We have decided to get married in church early on and then move to a self-catering venue. Self-catering is important as my parents run their own catering company up north and want to do the food - the place we have hired insists (as does every other venue we looked at) that you purchase their own food and drinks.

We initially said it was for a 'party' and technically will pick the keys up the day before and drop them off the next day, so no one will ever see me in a white frock... however I wanted to say before we paid the deposit that actually we are having a reception but desperately want to do our own catering - just be honest. DP spelled out numerous ways why he thought they would just insist we a) pay wedding prices (+£4k) and b) have to buy their food and against my better judgement I kept quiet as I couldn't think of a good way to phrase it.

We have paid the deposit and my parents think we should come clean, as do most people I talk to but DP is adamant we shouldn't as it's not a big deal. As we get closer to the day I am worried that the £ loss of not having a wedding with the food package is enough that they will pursue us through the small claims court and say that we lied.

We aren't doing a big white wedding - it's literally a boozy, foody party with our friends whilst I happen to be wearing a dress. However I want to hire a professional photographer and, based on my experience of the industry, feel that they will probably tell the venue because it certainly looks like we are being deceitful - I feel we are being deceitful.

This all goes back to me wanting a village hall/local brewery do and DP saying he wanted something "pretty" and that no village hall could ever be "pretty" No amount of me telling him otherwise would change his mind.

I don't know what to do, whether I should call myself or what to say, or whether DP is right and I am being over-anxious? I should add he comes from a non-UK culture where no one would bat an eyelid at what we're doing - all his friends and family think this is totally fine.

Call them up pretending to have a general enquiry about hiring the venue. Explain that it is a small family party to celebrate your marriage and say that you assume because you are not wanting an actual wedding at the venue that you are able to organise food and drink yourself. Stick to the word marriage rather than wedding. If they say fine then relax, if they say that will breach the rules you will need to come clean. Congratulations by the way!

But it's not a wedding! It's the party after the wedding! What is the difference between that and a normal party? Don't get it.
We never called our wedding 'do' a reception- mainly because we didn't have any top tables or first dances. Just booze and food in a pub. What is the difference? Just call it a party and if anyone questions it, say it's not a reception or a wedding- it's a party to celebrate a marriage and you didn't want a traditional reception.

I'm a lawyer specializing in this type of thing and you're at risk.

Arguably you committed a misrepresentation by telling them it's a party, not a wedding, and they could sue you for the extra profit they'd have made if you had told them. That's regardless of what the contract says.

It's arguable either way and you may well be able to settle any claim they do make without going to court. So if you are personally comfortable being less than honest then maybe it's a risk worth taking. But comments up-thread like "they don't have a leg to stand on" are bad advice.

I'm quite pleased to hear that pyramid

The OP and her fiancé are being incredibly dishonest IMO, passing off their wedding reception as a non wedding reception.

i would say minorly dishonest myself. but any degree of dishonesty tends to result in difficulties the judiciary...

Ok, I concede to minorly dishonest. However, still dishonest.

Call them up pretending to have a general enquiry about hiring the venue. Explain that it is a small family party to celebrate your marriage and say that you assume because you are not wanting an actual wedding at the venue that you are able to organise food and drink yourself. Stick to the word marriage rather than wedding. If they say fine then relax, if they say that will breach the rules you will need to come clean. Congratulations by the way!

I wouldn't say a dicky bird. But then, I wouldn't have gone along with this in the first place.

The thing is, what extra profit could they have made?

Having the whole shebang there was never an option.

Would it be a legal issue if the party was the day after the marriage ceremony?

You have been dishonest, because you deliberately withheld the information that this was for a wedding party knowing that if you mentioned this, you would probably be refused the deal you got. It's not fair and they are very short-sighted to shovel you into a wedding package you don't want but that is their deal if you go to this location. You could go elsewhere or you could be honest. I think sticking with the original plan is a recipe for anxiety and stress- and the posting from a lawyer in this field makes it more so.

I am a by the rules person and I would hate this and it would hang over my day. If other people aren't like that- and could genuinely put it to the back of their minds and not give it another thought, it might be financially worth it. It wouldn't to me, though- because I am a worrier and this is one worry I just wouldn't want to have over my wedding.

To solve it, I would email the venue with a crappy lie about how, having booked this for your granny's 90th and your family party, you are now getting married and decided to combine the occasions. You don't want to change the arrangements and you do want to use your outside caterers as it is still just a party and there's to be no ceremony. Ask them- would you rather we cancelled or kept the booking? A sane company would say keep the booking and let you go ahead. An unreasonable one would say cancel- but then an unreasonable one might then be the type to make trouble if they found out you had had a wedding reception without telling them. If you lose £1000, so be it, better than spending many more thousands and being anxious on the day.

I like the idea of contacting them and pretending to be someone enquiring as to whether it's ok to have a wedding party there but not the actual ceremony. Make it clear that it's just a casual party, no top tables or speeches etc and take it from there.