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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it me or DP?

86 replies

NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 19:52

Really not sure what to do and DP and I have had multiple arguments about this.

We are getting married and when looking around venues didn't mention the 'W' word as we weren't really sure what we wanted and didn't want to get bullshitted. We have decided to get married in church early on and then move to a self-catering venue. Self-catering is important as my parents run their own catering company up north and want to do the food - the place we have hired insists (as does every other venue we looked at) that you purchase their own food and drinks.

We initially said it was for a 'party' and technically will pick the keys up the day before and drop them off the next day, so no one will ever see me in a white frock... however I wanted to say before we paid the deposit that actually we are having a reception but desperately want to do our own catering - just be honest. DP spelled out numerous ways why he thought they would just insist we a) pay wedding prices (+£4k) and b) have to buy their food and against my better judgement I kept quiet as I couldn't think of a good way to phrase it.

We have paid the deposit and my parents think we should come clean, as do most people I talk to but DP is adamant we shouldn't as it's not a big deal. As we get closer to the day I am worried that the £ loss of not having a wedding with the food package is enough that they will pursue us through the small claims court and say that we lied.

We aren't doing a big white wedding - it's literally a boozy, foody party with our friends whilst I happen to be wearing a dress. However I want to hire a professional photographer and, based on my experience of the industry, feel that they will probably tell the venue because it certainly looks like we are being deceitful - I feel we are being deceitful.

This all goes back to me wanting a village hall/local brewery do and DP saying he wanted something "pretty" and that no village hall could ever be "pretty" Hmm No amount of me telling him otherwise would change his mind.

I don't know what to do, whether I should call myself or what to say, or whether DP is right and I am being over-anxious? I should add he comes from a non-UK culture where no one would bat an eyelid at what we're doing - all his friends and family think this is totally fine.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/06/2014 20:20

Will they have anyone on site? Staff, management etc?

pianodoodle · 22/06/2014 20:24

Wedding themed fancy dress party?

Laquitar · 22/06/2014 20:26

Hmm can you pass it as 'fancy dress party'? You know, the wedding dress is ...fancy.

On a serious note check your agreement. If it states that it is not for wedding then yes it is risky i'afraid.

Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 20:26

firesidechat You are basically vocalising everything I have said to DP.

The contract just says it's a hire for 24hrs, picking the keys up and dropping them off either side, no mention of weddings at all just the usuals about rubbish and damage deposits. We haven't outright lied but we have only told say 50% of the truth and that is what bugs me.

It is a wow! venue but for the stress I'd rather get married in a village hall... village hall is definitely more 'me' but the venue we have booked is more DP and his family. DP has his heart set on this place. I would be tempted to just tell him to deal with them from here on in but obviously if they try and argue that it was technically a wedding and therefore want loss in potential earnings then it will be our joint funds that are hit, not just him.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 22/06/2014 20:27

Snap Piano!!

Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 20:29

There will be no one on site - they will show us where the power is etc. when we arrive and will expect us back on site to drop the keys off and inspect for damage the next day. However we aren't having any "Just hitched!" decorations or similar (not us!) just a few balloons and things that would be normal for a party anyway.

It is also my Gran's 90th birthday so we will be having a cake for her and a bit of a birthday bash on the side (sorry, I've realised that is drip feeding!), which is DP's main argument as the day is not just about us but also about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 20:29

Grin piano and laquitar

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 22/06/2014 20:34

I would be too scared of them finding out. I'm like you OP, I have a very big conscience and couldn't be part of this kind of deception. My DH would be very much like your DP Smile

My whole wedding would be ruined in case the truth came out and I would hate that. Your wedding day is supposed to be one of the best days of your life, do you really want this stress and angst clouding everything?

You need to tell DP you don't feel comfortable about what you're doing and find another venue, or tell your parents they can't do the catering. However, you'd then have to go back to your current Venue's Staff and admit you're actually having a wedding and need their services - I'm not sure how they'd react to the fact that initially you'd been trying to pull a fast one on them Smile

Casmama · 22/06/2014 20:35

If there is nothing in the contract that states it cannot be used for a wedding then they were informing you of company policy and not something legally binding.

You would be mad to tell them.

Onesleeptillwembley · 22/06/2014 20:40

If they don't expect you to be catering then be prepared to be ejected and have your wedding day ruined. And lose the money. If their rule is that you have to buy their food and you try to flout it that would be pretty stupid.

Onesleeptillwembley · 22/06/2014 20:41

Sorry - started typing and left it a bit. You'd replied by then.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 22/06/2014 20:43

You're weaving a tangled web

No way would I be deceitful about something like this

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/06/2014 20:50

When is the wedding?

Because the thing that sticks out for me is that reasonable or not, you are anxious. And you're going to be anxious all day, all through your own wedding reception, unless you 'come clean', as you put it.

And it might be fine, but yes they might get stroppy. And if they do, your DP will be pissed off... and the result is, you'll again have a miserable element to the day.

So unless the wedding is a month away or less, I'd cancel the whole plan. And find that church hall, and decorate it. Yes, they can be pretty. Far, far prettier than a soulless hotel function room. Of course, your venue might be absolutely wonderful, I don't know!

I have a feeling you're going to say something like 'DP would go absolutely mental and there's no way he'd let me cancel...' If so, you have a different problem.

But - this is your wedding, and currently it's making you miserable. Not ideal.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/06/2014 20:54

Ah yes. A big part of the problem that has developed here seems to be that your DP has ridden roughshod over the kind of wedding you'd like in favour of what he and his family want.

flowery · 22/06/2014 20:57

"they try and argue that it was technically a wedding and therefore want loss in potential earnings"

On what basis though? Were you given two prices, one for weddings one for other events? Does your contract state what the hire is for and that it can't be a wedding?

Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 21:01

We have paid a non-refundable deposit of £1000. We could still cancel, lose the deposit and come in under budget because there are places that are much cheaper. But what a waste of £1000, which we don't have to just throw away.

Bruno He didn't ride roughshod... I compromised on a different venue on the understanding we would be upfront before we paid the deposit. We didn't do that as DP was adamant he didn't agree with it and I wanted his agreement... now obviously with hindsight, which as ever is 20/20, I should have just done it.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 22/06/2014 21:01

You know those wedding threads from guests?
I m imagining now threads like this:' we 've been invitedto our friends wedding but the invite states that we must obey secrecy and not allowed to post anythingon facebook'.

OP i agree that the church hall could be pretty with some flowers etc and more personal.could you google with your dh some diy parties in church halls and visit some forums? He might warm to the idea if he sees some samples and read some experiences?

firesidechat · 22/06/2014 21:01

It appears to be that, if it is a wedding, then they have to use the venues approved caterers. If they say it's just a party, then they can have the OP's parents as caterers. Is that right OP?

hollycomputer · 22/06/2014 21:02

Look, I'm sorry if I'm not understanding properly, but if there are no staff at the venue, the OP has the keys, there's nothing in the contract and the wedding isn't actually happening at the venue I can't see the problem. It's a party after a wedding, that's all.

I don't see how it's deceitful at all. It's disgraceful that so many places hear the W word and slap and extra £££ on the bill. I don't see a need to voluntarily advertise that it's your reception. There's no need.

Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 21:04

flowery No, it just states it's for a self-catered hire between X and Y time on Z date and a few clauses about fireworks, damage etc. with a price and the deposit amount. We weren't quoted for weddings at all and haven't mentioned weddings at all in conversation with them (apart from congratulating the planner on their forthcoming wedding when they mentioned it - I was talking about my parents' business and that they have a lot of wedding clients so we started talking 'shop' - I have worked for my parents before).

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 21:05

Yes fireside that's right - we can do what we want if it's not a wedding (and the venue is licenced for ceremonies, so the wedding package includes the whole thing from start to finish).

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCat · 22/06/2014 21:06

They're not going to be there, will have no way of finding out. Fuck it.

Original poster
NameChange1981 · 22/06/2014 21:07

I should add we did look at the package online and it includes loads of things that we just would never want/need so we'd be having a wedding that just isn't us... we did look at a lot of places and different styles of wedding before agreeing on this one.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/06/2014 21:08

Maybe dh could have booked it as, say, your 30th birthday and then if anyone finds out you could say he surprised you with a wedding party as you never had one when you origionally wed.

Then as he is the one so adamant to rebel he can deal with any possible fallout.

Ellypoo · 22/06/2014 21:10

I wouldn't tell them - you have clarified there is nothing in the contract about it, I don't see there is a problem tbh. Venues just see £££ when the W word is mentioned, and if you are just having a party (which is exactly what it sounds like to me), then there is absolutely no need to 'come clean' I don't think.