Is it me or DP?

[NameChange1981]

Really not sure what to do and DP and I have had multiple arguments about this.

We are getting married and when looking around venues didn't mention the 'W' word as we weren't really sure what we wanted and didn't want to get bullshitted. We have decided to get married in church early on and then move to a self-catering venue. Self-catering is important as my parents run their own catering company up north and want to do the food - the place we have hired insists (as does every other venue we looked at) that you purchase their own food and drinks.

We initially said it was for a 'party' and technically will pick the keys up the day before and drop them off the next day, so no one will ever see me in a white frock... however I wanted to say before we paid the deposit that actually we are having a reception but desperately want to do our own catering - just be honest. DP spelled out numerous ways why he thought they would just insist we a) pay wedding prices (+£4k) and b) have to buy their food and against my better judgement I kept quiet as I couldn't think of a good way to phrase it.

We have paid the deposit and my parents think we should come clean, as do most people I talk to but DP is adamant we shouldn't as it's not a big deal. As we get closer to the day I am worried that the £ loss of not having a wedding with the food package is enough that they will pursue us through the small claims court and say that we lied.

We aren't doing a big white wedding - it's literally a boozy, foody party with our friends whilst I happen to be wearing a dress. However I want to hire a professional photographer and, based on my experience of the industry, feel that they will probably tell the venue because it certainly looks like we are being deceitful - I feel we are being deceitful.

This all goes back to me wanting a village hall/local brewery do and DP saying he wanted something "pretty" and that no village hall could ever be "pretty" No amount of me telling him otherwise would change his mind.

I don't know what to do, whether I should call myself or what to say, or whether DP is right and I am being over-anxious? I should add he comes from a non-UK culture where no one would bat an eyelid at what we're doing - all his friends and family think this is totally fine.

Well you're not having a wedding are you? It's a party after a wedding.

So far I have counted and 'do not tell' is at 14 vs 'tell and take the consequences' at 6. Am only counting people who have expressed an opinion outright. So it sounds like the majority think IABU and DP is being perfectly reasonable, with a sizeable vocal minority who agree with me.

I need to get it into my head that "It's a party after a wedding" and not stress so much.

I wouldn't ask people not to put stuff on facebook, although as a general rule of thumb am not that keen on having my picture splashed everywhere (refuse tagging in any normal picture) but none of the people who are invited are big social media people or they live abroad (DP's side).

I wouldn't worry, from what you've said it sounds like the 'wedding' package is for a more traditional sized wedding-reception. You're not having a traditional wedding reception, you're having a post-wedding party. That they have a different package for weddings is probably because in the majority of cases what people want for a wedding is very different to what people want from a birthday/christening etc party. If what you want after your wedding, however, is more like a typical party then I think you'll be fine.

If nothing in your terms and conditions stipulates you cannot hold a wedding party I wouldn't worry, especially if aside from the professional photographer you are not having any of the wedding extras that they would have provided under the wedding package. If you were holding a traditional wedding reception with all the extras under a self-catering party I might be worried but as you're not then, even if they find out it's a wedding, they will be able to see what you want is nothing like what their wedding package offers.

I think you will be fine and can relax as you are just having a party after a wedding with food, booze and music and not anything else wedding-related that they would have offered with their wedding package.

Have a lovely wedding day

Look, you aren't having a wedding with them.

You are having an after party.

Would you be so worried if you had got married a week earlier, or abroad?

I think it's shocking that just because a family party has a different name (instead of christening, birthday etc), the prices go up.

They are making money from you and presumably could have taken another booking instead had they wanted.

There is no leg to stand on for small claims unless you have signed a contract stating that they can charge you XYZ more for a wedding and that this is not a wedding.

Relax, look forward to your marriage, and enjoy the after party secure that you have not done anything wrong.

And yes, enjoy the day and congratulations

It's a party to celebrate your grand birthday. And your wedding that happened earlier that day. And what you use your hired venue for is none of their business. You didn't want the full works so you just hired a venue.

Gran's birthday!!!

I don't see how, even if you have signed a contract to say it's not a wedding, it has any legal
Implications which mean they can take action against you. There is no law which requires you to state what kind of party you're having is there? Putting something in t&cs doesn't make it legally enforceable.

Personally I would be wracked with anxiety and that would be too much in the lead up
To a wedding. But you've done it now so your options are limited

Is it possible, if the venue is licensed for weddings, they don't want you using your own celebrant, and having the ceremony there without their knowledge? (clutches)

If they say anything after could you pass it off as a birthday party plus wedding anniversary

I think by 'wedding' they just mean their wedding package, i.e. the whole day including the ceremony with celebrant. If you were having the package, of course you would have to use their caterers - it's part of the deal. You aren't having the ceremony at this venue though, just the reception, which is a party by any other name. So where you source your catering is for you to decide.

If it is this much trouble just for the wedding, how is your future together going to look like?...

Mention it in passing to them if you want. You already signed a contract, they can't nullify it without legal repercussions themselves. There's nothing in the contract stating it can't be a wedding, so you're fine.

Even if it was a wedding, you wouldn't have to buy their package, you can pick and choose a company's services, they can't force you to buy something.

You're doing nothing wrong. I'd leave it and relax.

I don't think they'd have a leg to stand on if they tried to make trouble. There's nothing in the contract. And I am one of nature's most gifted worriers. If there's nothing in the contract, you're not pulling a fast one or anything like it. Enjoy your day, and don't spoil it with unnecessary anxiety.

I'm with your dp tbh.

You aren't having a wedding ceremony there. You're not having a sit down wedding breakfast (I assume ) more of a hot buffet?
You dont need waiters waitresses or all the other bits and pieces that go with a traditional all inclusive wedding package. You basically want the venue for a party.

I agree with your dp its unfair the second you mention the W Word the pricetag of your party increases by a few thousand pounds and you're getting the hard sale to have a wedding you don't want.

Could you / would you wear a different dress for the party afterwards?

If they are just giving you the keys and 24 hours at the venue with no staff I wouldn't be really stressed tbh I would go along with the party explanation as thats more descriptive of what you're doing there.

Lying never bodes well.

tis all I'll say. Except Good Luck.

Look, what is it that you are afraid is going to happen? That a member of staff will come and check on you and boot you and your guests out of the venue at first sight of your white dress?

Even if, in the very unlikely event, a member of staff did see you, do you think in this age of TripAdvisor, Facebook, Twitter, etc. that they'd risk the bad publicity of ruining someone's party?

Relax, enjoy your wedding (which is being held at a separate venue) and then go and enjoy your after party. Spend some of the money you saved on a good bottle of champagne and have a couple of glasses on the way to the party - that way you won't remember to stress about it!!

You're worrying over nothing imo.

You're not having a wedding there - you're having the party after the wedding. You don't need their wedding package. There's nothing in the contract. They're not going to take you to court if they find out you were in a fluffy white dress at your party in the venue you booked.

They can't say they lost money - you wouldn't have had the wedding there, you are having a church wedding. You wouldn't have bought their package. If they wanted to make the time slot you booked "weddings only" they could have, but they booked you for a party and expected to make just as much as you paid.

It's Gran's party. You can wear a dress to that. Stop stressing!

I think if you were going to admit its a wedding, you would have needed to do it before paying the deposit. What good would come of it now? They would wonder why you are fessing up and maybe try and renegotiate. But you've signed the contract and it doesn't mention weddings, so try have no right to renegotiate, so what would be your hoped for outcome?

I agree with the others that you're not having their full wedding package so it wouldn't be relevant to mention a wedding.

So this place is self catering unless it's for a wedding reception?

Or is it that if it's for a wedding reception ypu are supposed to have the "package" that they offer?

So caterers, florists etc?

diddl Definitely the first and DP was concerned it would be the second as well as we had visited other venues that we both agreed on and found that the packages were fairly non-negotiable, i.e. you can choose between chicken and beef but you have to have a three course meal (we want more of a picnic-style buffet). The previous place we had visited said we were living in cloud cuckoo land over the catering and that we had "no choice" but to book their venue with catering and then rattled off a list of places (including the one we have booked) where they said the same applied for weddings. Having spoken to our venue initially I felt they would be open to it as we aren't having/don't need the full package and aren't having the ceremony there etc. and they seemed very relaxed and reasonable but DP didn't want to "take the risk" as once they've said no that's it.

I will abide by the majority who are saying don't worry about it. Thanks for your replies :) DP is stoked that he's 'won' an AIBU

I'm with your dp.
Don't tell them, stop worrying about it.
It's partly a birthday party anyway, not worth getting stressed about.

Congratulations and good luck