To be annoyed at this situation? Money, awkward...

[Okehampton]

DH and I are buying a house, a project to renovate. We are pretty strapped for cash but think we can just about afford to do it.

DH mentioned the other evening

Argh posted too soon, wait a minute

Waiting...

I misread the title as "monkey, awkward," and thought, this I gotta read.

Those damned monkeys are always awkward

DH mentioned the other evening that my mother had told him (and told him not to mention it to me ) that my Grandma had told DM she was going to give us 15k as a gift towards the house.

DM had then told her that she couldn't unless she was going to give the same to my brother.

My brother never speaks to our Grandma and never visits her. I think hge last spoke to her on the phone a year ago. He also sells drugs and has never had a proper job. For these reasons my Grandma doesn't want to give him £15k.

I am speechless with gratitude that would consider giving us that money, but also annoyed that my mum has told her she can't/shouldn't.

AIBU?

So really there's your answer, OP. No, you're not unreasonable to be annoyed at the awkward monkey situation.

Yanbu, it wasn't for your mother to distaste who your grandmother gives money to.

Dictate, god damned ipad!

Yeah I would be annoyed but I would have been even more annoyed at something I need never have known about in the first place.

Your mother should have not said anything to your husband.

In fact my Grandma gave DM 70k 20 years ago to help her buy a house, and when my Grandma said she needed to make it up to her son (DM's brother!) DM kicked up a horrible fuss and talked her out of it!

Yes, I'm also annoyed that she expected DH to keep a secret from me, regardless what it was, I think that's really off.

You can be as annoyed as you like, you are an adult and if that's what you want to be then simply be.

YANBU It's your Gran's money and she can decide who she gives it to.

By the sounds of things you are sensible and your brother is feckless but is getting rewarded all the same.

TBH it's none of your mum's business

Awkward monkey, rofl

Yay, the monkey arrived (possibly on brother's back).

NU to be annoyed, but your mum won't see it as you do. Your Nana has every right to ignore her daughter but may not, to keep things on an even keel.

Buy the house, enjoy the process... don't let this colour your judgement.

Oh, sorry for the crosspost.

Honestly, I would just ignore it.

1. It's a third-hand reported conversation and you have no idea whether any of it took place.

1. If your DM tells your husband things and then asks him not to tell you, she's a game player. I hope he said something like, "Of course I'm going to tell her, she's my wife." Both of you need to stay out of that nonsense.

1. If your grandma wants to leave you some money, great. But it would be better if she spent it on cruises and martinis and enjoying her golden years. Don't count on anything from her.

1. Your grandma can do whatever she damn pleases with her money. Who cares whether your brother gets some?

So yes, just save your own money, ignore family gossip, and move on.

If your mother kicked up a stink over her brother getting money after she did I don't think I would be able to resist bringing it up with raised eyebrows.

Oh who knows what sort of folie a deux is going on with your DM and your grandma around money. Maybe grandma is letting DM "talk her into/out of" things so that grandma's not the bad guy--really, who knows and who gives a fuck?

And then of course telling your husband with the caveat that it's a DRAMATIC SECRET, knowing it'll be relayed to you as such. Ugh.

You really want to freak out DM and Grandma? Next time any of this comes up say, "Well, I don't need any of Grandma's money--I hope she lives it up and spends it all!"

Well.

Firstly, I'd tell your mother than DH told you. Of course he told you. He always will tell you. Because you are a team. And the next time she tries to come between that team, and dares to presume to tell your own husband something and keep it a secret from you, then she is out of your lives. Permanently.

Then when you've got that sorted, tell her that the next thing she can do is butt out of trying to get between you and your Grandma. Why, anyone would think that she's deliberately trying to do you down!! - hmm, maybe something to think about when it comes to letting her have any influence with the grandkids, eh?

Remind her of her own hypocrisy re the money she got. And tell her to watch with the stirring or she'll be facing a lonely old age.

Then go to your gran and tell her everything. Remind her of your mum's hypocrisy with her brother and that she's tried to get your DH to keep a secret from you, and tell your Gran that you'd prefer it if anything financial between you and her doesn't go through your mum.

YANBU! It is quite possible that your GM would be very happy to give your DB the same amount of money if he settled down & was also buying a house.

Even if she wasn't - presumably you are an adult? Therefore, I don't think this is your mother's decision to make. Your GM is an adult & wishes to gift her GD - also an adult - some money to help with her house purchase. I don't see where your mum has the right to say that can't happen .

Yes, I'm also annoyed that she expected DH to keep a secret from me, regardless what it was, I think that's really off.

Okay, but she did not really expect that. Surely you know that? She just wanted the pseudo-news to be related in the most dramatic way possible.

Maybe your grandmas money is destined for your mother when she passes, who knows why she did it.

She should really spend it on herself though.. you can't take it with you and the world is so big and worth seeing.

I had a partner once whose family played a lot of games around wills and potential inheritances. I remember once when they went on holiday they made rather a big deal of telling everyone, "[Favoured daughter] has been told where the wills are and has been given the passwords for our finances."

Finally he just blew up at them and said, "I have more money than I could ever use. If there is any money set aside for me, please designate to your favourite charity."

Wow did that blow their minds. I think greedy game-players just assume everyone is like them.

Gamer your thoughts on what the OPs Grandma should spend her money on are beside the point.

It's up to the Grandma. She might not want to "see the world"

No, she might not actually feel like travelling all over but in general I think it's nice for children/grandchildren to tell senior relatives to live it up and spend their money on themselves.

That's what I told my parents. It just saves all the drama anyway.

I don't see how you can ask your grandmother, Okehampton, she may not know anything about this supposed gift of money. Surely she would have come to you with the offer rather than make it via a third party?

Are you sure it's not just your mother stirring? It could be an awfully embarrassing conversation with your grandmother if your mother suddenly denies all knowledge.