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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at this situation? Money, awkward...

62 replies

Okehampton · 22/06/2014 15:57

DH and I are buying a house, a project to renovate. We are pretty strapped for cash but think we can just about afford to do it.

DH mentioned the other evening

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/06/2014 16:40

It doesn't look like it's up to grandma to me.. looks like the daughters been pulling the strings.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/06/2014 16:41

I agree with that, matilda, it takes away the obligation on parents and grandparents to make provisions because they feel that they should somehow. I'd rather that they lived it up whilst they could.

Those that want to bequeath money to their family/friends will do it regardless.

matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 16:41

All the more reason to ignore the tale-telling!

If someday for some reason there is a generous windfall from anywhere, great. But don't plan on one, don't worry about one--just plan your life with what you have.

Original poster
Okehampton · 22/06/2014 16:56

Just reading this back, Sorry, there's important bit of info I've left out. At around the same time DM offered to give DH and I 20k. it would mean she would own 20k worth of our house, but if she dies then we can keep keep it.

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 17:02

Well no, she didn't really. If she were seriously offering to co-own your house with you, she'd sit down with both of you and have a proper review of the figures.

No such offer was made, just some goofy tale-telling and asking your husband to keep secrets, so there's nothing for you to respond to.

matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 17:06

You mean back when your DM got 70K she said she might like to buy into your house?

If she were normal, that would be something to consider. But she's clearly too much of a game-player for that. Can you even imagine? So really that's a no-brainer.

Original poster
Okehampton · 22/06/2014 17:14

Sorry I'm not being very clear, at around the same time DH told me of my DM's meddling, DM offered to give us 20k in exchange for owning part of our house. We wouldn't have been able to buy the house without it

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 17:16

You mean you've said yes to her offer?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/06/2014 17:18

If she was offering to GIVE 20k then she wouldn't be owning 20k worth of your house. Who want to co-own a house with their mother? Who could force a sale or worse, actually want to live in it? Fuck that!

It's all game-playing and should be ignored for the manipulative twaddle that it is.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/06/2014 17:21

YOU'VE ACCEPTED HER MONEY????????

For fuck's sake! Nothing good can come of this. Absolutely 100% guaranteed.

A Deed of Trust drawn up, the whole nine yards?

matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 17:30

Okay, saying "you shouldn't have done that" isn't advice.

OP, is your house co-owned by your mother right now? I'm not quite understanding.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/06/2014 17:49

I agree with Bitter you need a Trust Deed or whatever you decide re your mothers' stake in your house.

I work for a solicitors and confusion over matters like these is one of the most common sources of fallout sometimes in families.

Hissy · 22/06/2014 20:10

So if GM gave you the £15k as a gift, you'd have been able to turn down your DM equity grab in you home?

Please say that's not true?

Original poster
Okehampton · 22/06/2014 21:25

Hi I'm back. We haven;t bought the house yet, but yes the plan is to take the 20k from my mum in exchange for her owning part of the house, we are going to speak to our solicitor about it.

If we had been 'allowed' the money from my Grandma then no we wouldn't needed to have accepted DM's offer. It did seem like a very kind offer at the time!

OP posts:
matildasquaredy · 22/06/2014 21:27

We haven;t bought the house yet, but yes the plan is to take the 20k from my mum in exchange for her owning part of the house, we are going to speak to our solicitor about it.

Hallelujah.

Too bad for your mum that the solicitor is going to warn you against this course of action. Not your fault! What can you do, Mum? The solicitor says no!

Original poster
Okehampton · 22/06/2014 21:31

This may sound awfully naive, but what tends to go wrong in these situations? I can't imagine she'd move us and our DC out in a million years..

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 22/06/2014 21:31

Yes, I'm also annoyed that she expected DH to keep a secret from me, regardless what it was, I think that's really off.

No. She didn't expect it. She wanted to relay upsetting information in a "get out of jail free" way. If you get upset she'll just say "Well, DH wasn't suppose to tell you".

She's basically poking you in a way that won't "allow" you to get upset with her.

The best thing you can do is ignore it and not bring it up with her. Don't give her the satisfaction.

PrincessBabyCat · 22/06/2014 21:35

This may sound awfully naive, but what tends to go wrong in these situations? I can't imagine she'd move us and our DC out in a million years..

What can go wrong? Well nothing. If you don't mind being her free nursing home. You can't legally tell her she's not allowed to move in with you and have you take care of her.

She's securing her future caretakers for when she gets older.

You also can't sell the house without her consent.

I really would just stick to renting. Never make decisions when desperate.

Cruikshank · 22/06/2014 21:36

YABU to speculate in the property market. It is because of people like you that we have a housing crisis in this country.

wafflyversatile · 22/06/2014 21:43

Sounds like your DM wants ALL TEH MONEYS.

Perhaps you should casually mention to your grandma about your DM's offer of £20k for a £20k stake in the house.

I can understand your mum's view on the £20k as there might be a time she needs it, I suppose. But surely you'd make it a loan, not for a stake in the house. I would worry that that was about control.

PrincessBabyCat · 22/06/2014 21:44

FIL did something similar to me and DH. He let us have his house rent free, while he was living in a nursing home, so we could save some money and start up a home office. We naively thought he was being nice. As soon as we got all moved in and set up, he dropped the bomb on us that he was moving back home so we could take care of him. We couldn't tell him he couldn't come back to his own house. So he had movers get him in.

We tried to look after him and lasted about 12 hours before I had enough. Every 5 minutes "Can you open the window?" "Can you get me a glass of water?" "Can you close the window?" "Can you close the door?" "Can you open the window?" We ignore him he shouts at the top of his lungs. We tell him no, he throws a fit. Literally, every 5 minutes.

Fortunately for us (and unfortunately for him), his house is not handicap accessible. So he can't live here on his own. We told him the house was rightfully his and we weren't staying with him, and weren't taking care of him. Then packed our bags in front of him to make it clear he was on his own. Suddenly he "couldn't breath" and needed to be rushed to the hospital, where he tried to guilt us into letting him back home. We didn't give him the satisfaction of martyrdom and told him the house was his, but if he was here we wouldn't be, end of. The hospital rehomed him and he is much happier and in a better situation. He has let us keep the house rent free since we maintain it and are fixing it up so it has better resale value when he decides to sell.

So.. that's what can happen if your mother owns part of the house. Except, your name will be on it and it will come back to you if you leave and don't make payments on it.

Hissy · 22/06/2014 22:05

Go and see your GM. Just you. Let her know that you absolutely won't mind if she didn't say about giving you £15k, explain the dm thing, but also that the alternative comes with strings attached, so you'd rather know if she said what she'd said before you potentially scupper yourselves.

If GM didn't say anything about the money then turn your dm down flat and resolve to stay put.

If GM did offer the money, take it, and then turn your dm down.

Don't take any money from anyone that wants any part of your home.

Hissy · 22/06/2014 22:06

Your dm is most definitely up to something. Don't trust her.

Asheth · 22/06/2014 22:59

What happens if she wants/needs her 20k back? Will you have to sell your home? Possibly losing money on it making it harder to buy again.

foslady · 22/06/2014 23:07

She could insist your brother moves in......

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