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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to give someone a lift every week

111 replies

500smiles · 22/06/2014 12:51

I know I'm being unreasonable but I have got myself into an awkward situation where it is assumed I will give someone a lift every week.

One week there was a new woman at DS' martial arts who was stressing as she got the end time wrong and had told her boyfriend a different time to pick up, (she's 19yo and doesn't drive). I asked her where she lived and she mentioned an estate about 3 miles away from us, so I said "Well if you can't get hold of him in time I don't mind dropping you back"

Went back to pick the lads up and the woman came up smiling and got in the car with us. I drove the three miles past our village and dropped her back and then went home and thought no more of it.

DS wasn't there the following week, but the next week she walked out with DS and his mate and got in the car - she didn't say anything to me as she was mid conversation with DS so I assumed that she had asked him and he had said I wouldn't mind. By the time we had dropped her off I'd completely forgotten about it until the same thing happened the next week. Anyway DS said he hadn't asked her, he'd assumed she had asked me.

I don't mind helping out every once in a while but at 9pm I don't want to add another 15 minutes / 6 miles on to my journey past going past the end of my road.

So she hasn't actually asked for a lift, I offered once assuming it was a one-off, but how do I put a stop to it? I don't even know her name or have a number to text her...

OP posts:

Dubjackeen · 22/06/2014 17:28

Next time she gets in, drive off in completely the opposite direction see how far you can get before she cracks and asks to get out the car.

Love this! Just say it nicely, OP, next time, before you start the car, 'by the way, this is the last week I will be able to give you a lift', or something along those lines.
Don't get into explanations/ reasons. She is old enough to make her own arrangements. YANBU.

Nomama · 22/06/2014 17:28

Oh yes! Drop her off at a bus stop.... sorted

Maybe not, the last poster called that driver a superior bitch!!!

But you know your youngy'un has made a faux pas, grit your teeth and tell her you ain't a free ride, she has made a mistake.

whois · 22/06/2014 17:32

No lies. No excuses. No need to get all super-bitch on her.

walk had it right on about post 3.

Well, I guess you'll have to take a deep breath next week and say ' this will be the last time I can give you a lift home, it's actually out of my way and I never intended it to be every week. You'll sort out a lift home with your boyfriend from now on, right?'

Jollyphonics · 22/06/2014 17:38

I'm rubbish at being frank with people, so I would probably say that from now on I need to get straight home as my DD is dropped off at that time and DH is out.

sykadelic · 22/06/2014 18:15

I don't agree with the "this will be the last time..." stuff because it implies you'd agreed it would be a permanent arrangement.

I suggest while the kids are doing their activity that you sit down next to her and say something like "I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page about lifts. I hadn't intended, with my offer that first day, to take you home every week after [event]. I offered that first time because you weren't aware of the correct finish time, now you are. I'm not able to take you home tonight or in the future. I'm sure you understand."

I wouldn't cave if she tries to guilt you or get into it if she asks why ("It just isn't working for me"). You said she has a phone (you said she was on it) so she can call her boyfriend, or mother, or friend to come get her. It's really not your problem and she's taking the piss.

It's awkward of course but not because of you, but because of her, and if people ask "I offered once then she just kept getting in my car. I don't even know her name! It was really awkward that she didn't ever ask :S"

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2014 18:23

No your not mean op, she isent a friend of yours. Even if she was you should be honest with her. She was cheeky getting in your car without asking if it's ok to have a lift, it's basic manners!

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2014 18:45

She just got in your car ?

Two possible ways to put a stop to this :

Walkacrossthesand's suggestion is nice "Well, I guess you'll have to take a deep breath next week and say ' this will be the last time I can give you a lift home, it's actually out of my way and I never intended it to be every week. You'll sort out a lift home with your boyfriend from now on, right?'"

You mentioned "I pick up DS and his mate as mates mum takes DD and her DD to Guides at same time" - could you swap for a week and you do the Guides run and she does the MA? Mate's mum has never offered a lift, so hopefully 19 year old wouldn't make assumption. Although this does risk the mate's mum being dragooned as well.

I'd probably go for 1. She's not your responsibility and she's taking the piss.

NoodleOodle · 22/06/2014 19:57

I would say something like "Oh no! You've told your boyfriend the wrong time again. Well, I don't want to leave you stranded even though it's quite a way out of my way really. Why don't you text your boyfriend now while you remember, so he definitely knows what time to collect you next week, sweetie?"

(I wouldn't really say sweetie)

DoJo · 22/06/2014 20:03

It makes me sad that so many people are calling this girl entitled, rude or taking the piss. Is it really not more likely that when the OP said 'I can give you a lift home' she genuinely thought that she meant regularly? Apart from anything, there is nothing to suggest that she actually knows where the OP lives, or realises that she is taking her out of her way - she probably just thought that the OP was offering to help and it hasn't subsequently occurred to her that it's a problem. Unless she has done something other than misinterpret the original offer, I can't see why anyone would automatically assume that it's anything more than a misunderstanding.

You don't have to cover your back to make the point that you never offered in the first place, or go around telling other people anything about the arrangements - that would be mean and there's just no need for it.

OP - you are clearly a kind person as you wouldn't have offered in the first place if you weren't, so the kindest thing to do would be to just tell her that this week has to be the last time you give her a lift home as you need to go straight back from next week.

onedev · 22/06/2014 20:10

I'd swap with the other mum for a few weeks - she takes the boys & you take the girls to Guides. Warn the other mum in advance so she's prepared just in case she would just get in the car with the boys

HappyAgainOneDay · 22/06/2014 20:23

If you put things on the back seat so your car is 'full', make sure that the boot is not empty otherwise the hitchhiker will empty the back seat into the boot .....

Joolsy · 22/06/2014 21:06

I agree with DoJo - she obviously assumed it was a weekly thing. No need to make up an excuse though - tell the truth, that it is too far out of your way to be driving at that time of night but if she's really stuck in future you will give her a lift but you'd need to ask her for a contribution to the cost of petrol every time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/06/2014 21:10

"It makes me sad that so many people are calling this girl entitled, rude or taking the piss. Is it really not more likely that when the OP said 'I can give you a lift home' she genuinely thought that she meant regularly? "

DoJo, I said she was taking the piss because I genuinely do not believe that she could possibly have taken the OP's "Well if you can't get hold of him in time I don't mind dropping you back" as an offer of a regular lift. It was clearly a one-off offer for that night only, and only if she was unable to rearrange her lift. Plus, "she walked out with DS and his mate and got in the car - she didn't say anything to me as she was mid conversation with DS so I assumed that she had asked him and he had said I wouldn't mind. ". She didn't say anything to the OP. IMO it is perfectly normal, even if in mid-conversation, to interrupt that conversation with e.g. Thank you so much for the lift, I do appreciate it! Now DS, what were you saying? ... and back to the interrupted conversation. But this young woman didn't do that. So no, I don't believe for one moment she thought she had been offered a regular lift, I believe she is chancing her arm and gambling that the OP will be too polite to tell her otherwise.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2014 21:17

I still wouldn't strand her. But why apologise or lie with excuses? How ridiculous. Just, This is not a permanent arrangement, you need to make sure your transport is sorted next week and from then on except in emergency, or some variation of that. That's not rude or mean, that's just the truth.

DoJo · 22/06/2014 21:18

I read the OP and your post and I understand your opinion - I still think it's sad that people who have never met this girl are thinking the worst of her and attributing some pretty manipulative and unpleasant behaviour to her.

You think it was clear, I think it could be misinterpreted innocently - either of us could be right, but I would still rather believe that people are generally pleasant until absolutely proven otherwise.

eddielizzard · 22/06/2014 21:20

yy don't lie. tell her next time it's the last. you just can't do it. no reasons. no excuses.

NoodleOodle · 22/06/2014 21:34

19yr olds can be very different in their levels of maturity, independence, and awareness of how their actions impact on others. At 19 she could have moved out of parental home three years ago and have been taking care of herself since, or she could still live at home, be in full-time education and have parents that are still in parent-taxi mode. If she's used to parent-taxi mode, then she's probably used to her friends' parents being parent-taxis too, and rather than being rude, manipulative or 'entitled/grabby', is just still more of a child than other 19yr olds.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 22/06/2014 21:47

Next time hang back a bit, visit the ladies, check your lippy etc. if she's outside or comes to see where you are say " Do you want me to wait with you until your dp arrives?" If she thought it was a regular thing then she'll say so giving you the opportunity to make it clear that was a two off. Or she'll say no I'm fine thanks and reluctantly ring her fella.

ravenAK · 22/06/2014 21:54

I think I'd be a bit chary of spelling things out, in a 'You have made an unwarranted & frankly cheeky assumption' type way, because I'd be thinking how mortifying for her, if she's a genuinely assumed that you were offering a regular lift. Not at all impossible for a slightly gormless 19yo.

I'd probably just say something like 'Are you going to be OK to get your bf to collect you from next week? Only we won't be going this way after this week.' & not elaborate - just let it be assumed that hitherto, you've happened to be heading in the right direction to drop her but now you won't be.

I'd rather keep it vague & allow her to save face, I think.

rollonthesummer · 22/06/2014 21:56

Yes-I'd either do this or, when I've parked, I'd wait by the car and hold open the door for the boys-then you can block the door and have the same conversation

rollonthesummer · 22/06/2014 21:57

Is hour son 19, too? Is he friends with her or does he think it's odd?

r2d2ismyidealman · 22/06/2014 22:06

This makes me cringe. I was her once. I didn't realise it. I was being offered a regular lift. (there was an actual offer but I think she expected me to say no thank you and I didn't realise that ). It came to an end when after becoming increasingly erratic she just did not come one day, which had terrible implications for me. I realised then that really she just did not want to give me a lift, and I was totally absolutely ok with that and just deeply embarrassed to have put us both in that awkward situation. I felt really uncomfortable about it for a few days and then everything was fine. If you could just speak with her directly that would be best. What an awkward thing. I hate thinking back to that time!

expatinscotland · 22/06/2014 22:10

That's why you just be honest! Don't strand her, don't make excuses or lie. Just one more time and TELL her and say from next week, you need to sort out transport.

trufflehunterthebadger · 22/06/2014 22:16

There are no buses at that time of night so if she can't get a lift then it means a taxi for her

How a stranger gets to and from an activity she has elected to do, knowing the transport issues, is hardly your fault OP. She should have thought about it before signing up for the class

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 22/06/2014 22:20

What a difficult situation. I feel your pain OP.

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