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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to give someone a lift every week

111 replies

500smiles · 22/06/2014 12:51

I know I'm being unreasonable but I have got myself into an awkward situation where it is assumed I will give someone a lift every week.

One week there was a new woman at DS' martial arts who was stressing as she got the end time wrong and had told her boyfriend a different time to pick up, (she's 19yo and doesn't drive). I asked her where she lived and she mentioned an estate about 3 miles away from us, so I said "Well if you can't get hold of him in time I don't mind dropping you back"

Went back to pick the lads up and the woman came up smiling and got in the car with us. I drove the three miles past our village and dropped her back and then went home and thought no more of it.

DS wasn't there the following week, but the next week she walked out with DS and his mate and got in the car - she didn't say anything to me as she was mid conversation with DS so I assumed that she had asked him and he had said I wouldn't mind. By the time we had dropped her off I'd completely forgotten about it until the same thing happened the next week. Anyway DS said he hadn't asked her, he'd assumed she had asked me.

I don't mind helping out every once in a while but at 9pm I don't want to add another 15 minutes / 6 miles on to my journey past going past the end of my road.

So she hasn't actually asked for a lift, I offered once assuming it was a one-off, but how do I put a stop to it? I don't even know her name or have a number to text her...

OP posts:
Hissy · 22/06/2014 13:23

The only way out of this is either (a) you see her before the class and say that you won't be able to offer a lift today, or (b) if she assumes and gets in th car, tell her that actually she's being very presumptuous and actually rude to assume that this was a long term arrangement.

Tell her that this is the last time she'll be getting dropped back and to make her own arrangements for the future.

You need to confront this head on.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/06/2014 13:24

She needs telling, be polite but firm.

'You've misunderstood, I offered that first lift as a one off'.

Don't fall for the inevitable sad face.

Dropdeadfred2 · 22/06/2014 13:25

she doesn't have child...it's just her isn't it?

HauntedNoddyCar · 22/06/2014 13:27

Yy Fred. There's no mention of a child so presume she is taking part.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 22/06/2014 13:28

Doh - thanks drop

EllaFitzgerald · 22/06/2014 13:29

Completely understandable that you wouldn't want to do this every week.

I think I would worry about not giving her any notice at all, just in case she had no other way of getting home that night, but I'd say something along the lines of 'Will you have a lift home from next week? Only it doesn't work for me to do it every week'.

As a non driver (which I am) if you can't make arrangements to get yourself home, then you don't go. Simple as that.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2014 13:29

It's just the young woman herself, if I read this correctly, and the OP has two sons in the class or her own son and his mate.

Cheeky gal. She can get a bus, cycle or get her boyfriend to collect her.

Viviennemary · 22/06/2014 13:32

Just make up an excuse that you need to be home by a certain time or need to be somewhere else. It's easier than tell her she's rude and entitled.

KillmeNow · 22/06/2014 13:34

I wonder if she thinks you are the informal transport for the class if you also give a lift to your DSs friend?

What did she do the week your dS wasnt there? Did she make arrangement with her boyfriend or walk?

Even if she has to walk it is still light at this time of year by the time she reaches home.If you dont want confrontation tell your DS (assuming he is about 12?) to tell her in that offhand way they do .She will sort herself out.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2014 13:35

No need to make an excuse or tell her she is rude and entitled. Just, 'This isn't a permanent arrangement. You need to arrange your own transport as of next week. I can't give lifts weekly.'

HecatePropylaea · 22/06/2014 13:39

I would suggest that you apologise for the confusion and just say that you did not mean to give the impression that by offering a lift that time that you were committing to taking her home every week and that unfortunately she is going to need to make her own arrangements. Say that you will take her home tonight but it will be the last time so she needs to ensure she has a way home from next week onwards because you will not be giving her a lift.

And if she has an attitude about it, then remind her that you don't actually have to take her home this time either and to pack it in or she'll find herself at the side of the road!

Original poster
500smiles · 22/06/2014 13:43

Think my OP wasn't clear.

The activity is in one town and she lives in another 8 miles away. We live in a village on outskirts of her town. There are no buses at that time of night so if she can't get a lift then it means a taxi for her.

I pick up DS and his mate as mates mum takes DD and her DD to Guides at same time, she won't know about this so may well think I'm a lift free for all.

I'm just a bit pathetic about telling her to sod off out of the car Blush

OP posts:
Tabby1963 · 22/06/2014 13:44

If she assumes it is a permanent arrangement then I would expect her to offer to make a contribution to petrol costs. It is cheeky otherwise.

Runesigil · 22/06/2014 13:46

I think this
"You could make up a reason you can't do it any more? Give her the lift next time but say "Sorry, I won't be able to drop you off after this week as my daughter and her friend need picking up afterwards and I can't be late."

is a much nicer way of putting it than this
"this is not a permanent arrangement."

because there's an outside chance that the 19yo could have somehow misunderstood and thinks it is a permanent arrangement and will be hurt and/or miffed because it doesn't seem to her to have caused you any inconvenience, nor has she sensed any unwillingness on your part to continue.

expatinscotland · 22/06/2014 13:46

Then gets her boyfriend to collect her or cycles.

'This isn't a permanent arrangement. I can't provide a lift every week. You'll need to sort out your transport.'

expatinscotland · 22/06/2014 13:48

Nicer? It's the truth. Excuses are lying. And why should she lie? Mshe's not the one taking the p.

Nancy66 · 22/06/2014 13:48

500smiles. Takers like this tend to good at sussing out people who don't/wont stand up for themselves.

It's clearly not something you want to do but unless you put a stop to it she will continue.

And bollocks to this being a misunderstanding !

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2014 13:51

Well you have a great get out clause you are busy as you have to take ds friend home and pick up dd

heyday · 22/06/2014 13:52

She is only a youngster so probably a bit naive. I understand that you can't give her a lift every week and that's totally acceptable . However, please give her some warning that you won't be doing it any more as I would hate to think of her stranded or walking home if she can't find an alternative. I frequently find that being nice to people usually backfires of me. Hope you sort it out.

benfoldsfive · 22/06/2014 13:53

Ask her when her boy friends car will be fixed as you can't give her a lift for much longer do to other commitments. Gives her an out if she has assumed you can drive her every week and makes it clear you can't. At 19 i would have unwittingly done something like this and would have died of embarrassment if someone thought i was taking the piss over a misunderstanding

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/06/2014 14:02

RunesigilHmm

Seriously? "You could make up a reason you can't do it any more? Give her the lift next time but say "Sorry, I won't be able to drop you off after this week as my daughter and her friend need picking up afterwards and I can't be late."

Why lie, it's better to be honest to prevent her trying to get in the car the week after and causing more grief for OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/06/2014 15:01

Yes she sounds a bit naïve however she is an adult and responsible fir herself! Mabey make an exception this week, but tell her that you will not be able to give any more lifts so she has to make her own arrangements in tge future!

Original poster
500smiles · 22/06/2014 17:02

heyday - no I would never leave her stranded - it was stepping in to stop that that landed me in this situation in the first place!!!

Thanks everyone, I'm going to have to grow some balls and just tell her...it just feels so mean having read the "dropping off at the bus stop thread"

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 22/06/2014 17:12

I vote for the 'driving in the opposite direction' if she gets in the car again without asking. Tell the lads and get them to keep a straight face for as long as possible. I'd be well up for that if it were me.

Quejica · 22/06/2014 17:15

Why don't you ask DS's friends mum to swap with you for a couple of weeks to break the pattern. Surely she won't just climb into a stranger's car?