To think DP should make dinner and not wait for me to do it?

[DapSlash]

I do the bedtime routine with 6 m/o DD. It takes just over an hour, from 5.45pmish to 7pmish.

During this time, DP spends time with DSD 6. They generally piss around on the iPad playing sodding Minecraft.

Once DD is finally asleep, I come downstairs and then have to start making dinner. Depending on what we're having, we don't normally sit down to eat until about 8pm. I think this is too late for DSD. Plus she's a really slow ether and can take longer then half an hour to finish.

I think that DP should make dinner while I'm putting DD to bed. So that by the time I come back down, it's nearly time to eat, meaning DSD has a chance of getting to bed remotely on time. (As it is, it's 9.15pm and she's only just gone to bed. I'll want to go to bed in an hour or so, meaning fuck all time with DP.)

But I am also on mat leave and DP works, so I've held off suggesting this because I feel like I should do the bigger share of making dinner and housework, etc, since he's working.

AIBU?

Actually, I don't really understand.
Have you suggest the girls eat together and he disagrees because he wants you both to eat with DSD?
What time did the three of you al, eat together before dd?

And I agree that it sounds like you have dd's bedtime routine licked. Don't mess with that. It's a thing of beauty.

If he has a 'thing' about you all eating together, he needs to do his share to help that happen.

I agree about deploying RandomMess's sentence: 'Eating at 8pm isn't work for me or DSD so either you cook when you get home or we don't eat together'.

The important thing is not to get sucked into this maternity leave kind of thinking where you exist to make everyone else happy.

You are an adult woman and your preferences still matter. If you want to eat or not eat at a certain time, that is completely your right -- he's not your master. His preference to eat later is no more valid than your preference.

If the current setup is not working for you, you don't have to do it. Obviously you need to talk to him and work out a new arrangement, but within your own mind at least you need to be thinking that what you want is just as important.

We eat together. This feeding the children separately is a very Britisin thing.

He does the dinner or the bedtime, alternate.

Cut out the bath, and do dinner then, with the aim of you all eating together eventually

Being on maternity leave doesn't mean you should be doing everything.

Why is your DH not doing bedtime? My DH does bath and bed as he hasn't seen DS all day.

I'm a SAHM, not general house elf and slave.

Your DP should be cooking the meal while you put the baby to bed so that the three of you can eat together at 7.15ish and then your DSD can go to bed. Poor girl must be exhausted going to bed so late - is that what happens during the week as well?

He sounds like a crap and lazy father.

What time is he home?
does he know how much sleep a 6 year old should have-show him the nhs website-it could affect her behaviour/school work/even growth if she's not getting enough.
you can eat together at weekends and perhaps they could just eat on their own in the week if he really wants to eat with her. Or She can help him cook tea if he wants to wait for you-dont see why baby misses out though. I suspect dsd messes with food because she is overtired.

I wouldn't want to cut out my baby's bath time just to serve my dh.
She likes her bath. It's a useful pArt of a bedtime routine. it makes her skin feel nice in this warm weather. It's the most convenient way of keeping her hands face and feet clean.
Of course he should make dinner. If he refuses then all eat together or he can have a portion of whatever the kids have earlier in the day.
Personally, I'd be too tired to eat my meal after making dinner for the kids and putting the baby to bed. Kitchen closes at 6.

How do you all manage to eat at 5pm?!
My dh doesn't get home until 6.45
Seems a bit lonely for him to eat alone
On the days I work I'm not in until 6pm

Another one saying don't mess with the baby's bedtime pattern - my DS never went to sleep at 7pm whatever I did!

I think that either your DH needs to cook while you are doing it or you all eat earlier with the baby.

Also, in a few months time she will be eating much more substantial meals and you might as well cook for everyone at the same time, even if DH has his a bit later.

What happens on the evenings your dsd isn't with you?

So essentially you're doing everything while he sits on his arse?

I'm on ML, and also have a toddler. DH does the bedtime routine as he hasn't seen DS all day and he goes up at 6.45. Agree that 9.30 is far too late for a 6 year old and she must be starving if she's eating late.

I feed the kids at 5pm and he cooks for us after he puts DS to bed so we can have couple time. I'd go nuts if I didn't get any peace till after 9.30!

A bedtime routine for a baby doesn't have to take an hour and a quarter. You could try taking turns. If your DP makes dinner then he can't really give much attention to his DS. I think you should all eat earlier around 5.30-6. Both do the tea or take turns.

Or, could your DP bath both girls together? After baby's dinner. Then he's spending time with them both together. Bath time can be fun.
I would be tempted to have the girls eat around 5, bath around 6, bed around 7 with maybe a bit of a later bedtime for DSD.

lilac.ily I work from 7-4ish. Dh works at home.

Have you actually asked him to do the cooking? I mean, yes, he should have worked it out for himself, but apparently he hasn't. So instead of fuming quietly, the two of you need to have a decent conversation about what you both expect from meal/bathtime, and organise a fair distribution of the work.

Have you actually said what time your dh gets home from work? I've missed it if so.

When you have dsd with you, then I would feed dsd and dd together at 6pm. They should eat a version of what you are going to eat with dp later, so that you can do at least some of the prep for both meals together.

Dp should finish cooking, or cook from scratch at least 3 nights per week. Dsd can help him while you are bathing the baby. There will still be time for him to have 15/20 minutes playing minecraft with her.

But, actually, I also think he should bath your baby dd occasionally. There is no reason why you should do all that alone. Does he do that when dsd is not staying with you?

If your DP is home in time to have a dinner at 5pm ish you should all eat together then anyway.

Dh makes it home early, I am a SAHM with two children in school so dinner is on the table at 5.30pm except 2 nights when the children do karate so it's 5.15pm

Because we eat so early, Dh and I are often hungry so at about 9pm we have a small snack.

I am a big believer in family meals so I like everyone to eat together.

A 6 year old should be in bed a lot earlier than your DSD is. Do you think she drags out dinner as she is spending time with you both?

Another thought, stop telling her to eat her dinner, she is 6, she's knows why she is at the table. Just have a set length of time to eat. If she hasn't eaten by then it's tough. Is she a slow eater in school or just at home?

Wow, a lot of responses!

So I had a chat with DP and said I'm going to start doing the evening meal for 6pm. If he wants to eat later, then he cooks.

He was saying last night how I never do my hobby any more (I can do it at home) and I said that it was impossible when DSD is in the front room with us until 9pm most nights. (We live in a 2 bed flat, so the only communal living space is our open plan kitchen/lounge.)

I also said I think DSD goes to bed far too late and he agreed.

So tonight I made dinner for 6pm. Baby ate with us. Then the two girls had a bath together; DD is asleep, DSD is just about to go to bed. Result.

DP never does the bedtime routine with DD because he's always focused on DSD when she's here. When she's not here, if I suggest he does it, he gets all vague and evasive. He loves DD but doesn't know what to do with her because she's so tiny.

He works shorter hours than I do - mainly because his job is close by whereas I have an hour's commute.

When I go back to work, the earliest I'll be able to get home is 6.30. He can usually get home for 5.45 so he'll then be responsible for pick up of DSD and DD and for getting them fed.

But what this thread has made me realise is that i don't trust him to do that.

I just know I'll walk in the door at 7 after being stuck on the tube for ages and be confronted with two starving children who haven't eaten because DP has been fucking around on the iPad with DSD.

It's made me realise I've got to pre-empt this while I still can. I think DP thinks that things can just carry on like they were before we had DD and he just had to worry about DSD. He's always left things chaotic - meal times and bedtimes all over the place. But when it was just DSD I didn't feel it was my place to say anything.

I really want us to have a workable routine with the kids. There are two of them now. Things have to change.

Contented yes I'm certain that's why DSD drags out dinner. I've said this to DP but I don't think it computes.

I've also suggested to him that we just cut off dinner after a set amount of time. But she eats so little during that time, he worries about her being hungry.

Interestingly she didn't do it tonight though, under the 'new regime' :)

I'm glad you had a good result from the discussion, but yes it does sound like it's been a bit of a wakeup call. Perhaps start with getting him to do the bedtime routine for DD so that he can't evade it by saying he doesn't know how to do it?

If you can get a good routine going now, he might actually come to like it by the time you go back to work. Personally what I like about routines is that they maximise the time you have to just hang out, so perhaps he will see the benefit for his time with DSD.

Oh very well done OP! It's much easier the way you describe it!

Oh well done on your chat.
Fwiw, my dh works from home. He picks ds up from preschool in the afternoon and often makes dinner. I get in around 445 with baby dd who I pick up from cm on my way home.
Sometimes I just know he isn't going to have dinner ready on time -when I want them to eat-- and I often use the slow cooker. It takes me about 10 minutes in the morning to put together something that will be ready for them by 5pm. Those are my best days. Especially when I work late.
If he was less capable at cooking etc I would probably have him give them a healthy snack. and then I'd do something super quick when I came in.