about the unrelenting nature of running a household & caring for family

[marmitenot]

I am so tired of being in charge.

My oldest child is 20 my youngest is 8 (4 of them in total). I feel like I don't want to be the person responsible for everything anymore.

I worked for 10 years full time, SAHM for 8 years, back to work full time 3 years ago and I do everything for the household. Every piece of housework, every piece of admin, every school run, every school event. My husband works long hours (although no longer than me) but I work from home.

I am the person who makes everything happen yet no one notices. If I don't do it I just get complaints.

When I ask for help or try to assign jobs it has no effect. Our house is a tip (I have very low standards as it is) yet I work my backside off keeping on top of things.

I want things to change, I want to be appreciated, I want the 6 people in the household to play their part in keeping everything on track but nothing I have done has worked. I don't want to be a martyr - I just want to do less. How on earth did this happen?

Tell them all things have to change. And they have to come up with a mutually acceptable solution. Then go away for a least a week and tell your husband it is up to him to step forward and run the ship.

They are all old enough to strip and remake their beds, give them a laundry basket each and anyone in primary school brings it to you when its full to be washed and anypne in secondary or above does their own.

Anyone 15+ (inc dh has to cook.one night per week)

Ill think up some more new house rules you could introduce - which I suggest you implement and expect them to work at or Go On Strike.

Why? If 8 years is youngest then everyone can help. 20 year old should be doing everything also, their an adult.

Wash your own stuff and youngest , anyone over 15 does own unless they trade for doing another chore.

What admin do you have? Can't you have it all set up online, I can't say I have ever done 'admin'

4 children - one can cook each night. Leaves 3 nights for you and dh. Help youngest but they can prep and be in charge.
My 4 year old has made blueberry muffins this morning and I just put in and out oven. My 3 year old puts all his clothes in right colour baskets for washing, and puts his cup/ spoon in dishwasher.

If you don't want to do it DONT DO IT.

so car insurance, you want car insurance, organise it for your car - and don't go organising your husbands or eldest - even if its cheaper.

Washing up/washing - we split it so dh is responsible for all washing up and I do all washing as its fair- if there is a mountain of washing up on a Friday evening he moans and winges but HE does it.

It isn't fool proof but stops the resentment.

They can all look after their own clothes and rooms and will have to if you just stop doing it.

I had to wash my own clothes from age 7 and that was by hand, so I think even your 8-year-old can operate a machine.

I know how you feel op except my kids are a lot younger (one has SN) and I'm a single parent. It's just so exhausting, I just want a day off and for someone else to take over for a change :(

Would second the making others in the household do their bit though, my brother is 25 and still lives at home so he has to pull his weight with the cooking and cleaning, I believe they have a rota :D

'Why' is the question I ask myself.

I do ask them to do chores and they do not do them. I just get the added guilt of being a nag about housework.

Last weeks admin

pay for music lessons
sign Karate form
organise money for window cleaner
pay for newspapers
compare car insurance quote & change insurer
buy birthday present for youngest child's friend
sign D of E form
Speak to bank & cancel bank cards because of suspicious payment
be in the house when alarm man came to test alarm
arrange for builder to look at damp patch on wall
arrange date for car service
pick up child's prescription
arrange date for child's orthodontist apt
arrange dishwasher repair man

I'm sure there's lots more - not necessarily paperwork but 'stuff' that my husband doesn't seem to notice.

Draw up a plan for household chores and that includes the youngest. With out without your husband's contribution. Eight year old kids can make their bed, put their clothes away/in the laundry-basket, tidy their own toys up and take the kitchen-bin outside. All other jobs can be split according to competence. Your husband and the twenty year old can be expected to shoulder the same burden as you do. Get everything up on a white-board in the kitchen with each person allocated their particular tasks and they initial them when they've done them. Anyone who doesn't do their chores doesn't get fed and you go on strike. Make it clear that you won't be taking up the slack just because you're physically present in the house during the day-time.

This happened to our family when my mother worked full-time and had to take on an evening job to make ends meet. I was 14 and from that time I had to keep my room tidy, change my bed-linen and do my own laundry. I also had to do vacuum and the prep for the evening meal when I got home from school. Everyone moaned, standards had to slip from my German mum's pristine hausfrau excellence but at least she managed to stay sane.

"I do ask them to do chores and they do not do them. I just get the added guilt of being a nag about housework."

Your problem is that you're asking them. Being in charge means you're the one having to do the delegating. You live in a community as a family. it's not just one person's responsibility to get things done, it's everybody's. And they're not taking you seriously because what are the consequences if they don't?

If you can afford it, I would suggest that you book yourself into a B&B for a few nights and leave them all to it. Or get a cleaner/housekeeper.

OP let me know when you have an answer. I feel exactly the same.

Me too.

Some of you ladies need to call a family conference to get things sorted or you go on bloody strike.

I am constantly chivvying my 15 and 17 year olds along to do stuff and finally after years it's paying off and a certain amount is done automatically.

This was achieved by never giving up and keeping quiet for an easy life, ignoring moaning and groaning , withholding allowance and refusing to do anything "extra" for them if they do what they were meant to.

It never came to it but I would cancel phone contracts and any other available privileges if I had to. Oh and finally I never ever felt guilty for nagging them , why would I ?

Leaving it 20 years means people may be a little... stuck in their ways. Doesn't mean it can't be done, just that it will take a LOT of effort to set up a different system.

Firstly, decide what the chores are that effect them the most, I suggest laundry. If it's not done, they smell. They probably all want not to smell. So, no more Mummy Laundry Service. They do their own. Food - ditto (except rota in this case). Admin - that's a tricky one. Honestly, I would devolve out the admin to DH and oldest that affects them and keep the rest. Sorry!

Also buy me a grammar book would you? There's a dear.

Have you delegated?

The alarm guy, could anyone over 16 wait in for them?

Dh - you need to sort out youngest child's present for Thursday, I reckon a fiver would cover it. If you make it a statement rather than a request there is less risk of miscommunication.

Who reads the newspapers?

Ditch, delegate or do, but if its in that order you stand a bit of a chance.

I see what you are getting at ladies but I think the problems might still remain that I will be in charge of ensuring all these jobs get done and I don't want to be.

I don't want to be in charge of a rota leaving me to be the person who nags the family to do the jobs they signed up for. I don't want to delegate because that leaves me in the position of having to know what needs to be done, find the appropriate person to do it, ask them to do it, remind them to do it. It still leaves me to be the active one whilst everyone else sits around waiting to be asked.

You can probably tell that I am in a bit of a mood today.

Totally relate OP, right down to the working at home which just makes it so much "easier" for everything to fall into your lap, doesn't it? The only difference is my DC are younger so it's more DP I'm working on at this stage.

One effective thing I did was write down every single thing that has to be done in a huge, huge list. I had to keep adding more and more to it as there is so much I would only remember things as I did them. I presented it to DP and pointed out he should be doing half this stuff. He actually went white with shame and horror. NOT that he does half of it now but I really do keep the pressure up and things are improving. I find that he really can just make it go away by not thinking about it and then if I do it, hooray it really has gone away .

Re everyone, make up a list of their chores that affect them so that if they don't do them, they suffer (with perhaps a little slack for the youngest and at exam time etc.). Washing, organising lessons, cooking, etc. can all fall into this category. Then you must sit back and let it go wrong for them to learn. We are currently looking at a bit of a last-minute and possible non-existent holiday because I have told DP he can organise it this year. He is going to sort it tonight apparently, he has been saying this for months. But if I don't do this kind of thing, he will never understand how much time it takes and what a hassle it is - only to have everyone moan "This campsite is a bit boring" etc.

Meanwhile I am training kids to do small things like change the toilet roll, put their washing in the basket and wipe up their own spills and hope to build this up into chores that they will have to do to get their pocket money/screen time.

List all the jobs that need doing then let them make a rota. The eldest ones are capable of cooking too.

Tell them you are a team and if they are not pulling their weight it is very selfish. If they don't do their jobs, stop cooking and clothes washing for them.

Oh and no nagging "when are you going to get x done" "yu haven't done the xxx".

Sit down round the table, allocate the chores in a way that everyone can agree is fair (because they can see on paper how much they are getting) then that is their job. If they don't do it, tough shit. Their turn to cook and they didn't? Get yourself (and the little one/s) beans on toast and walk away. Their washing not done? OK then, they smell.

You list the jobs, they make up the rota. You don't nag. If they don't do their jobs, you don't do the cooking or cleaning or washing for them. Don't nag, just quietly withdraw your services. Stop giving lifts to the eldest, stop giving them pocket money, stop paying their phone bill, stop buying haircuts, stop buying extras

Stop nagging and play hard ball

I feel your pain, DH is fab and we have a cleaner but with both of us working full time and with 3 kids under 6 it's still exhausting and I would love to have a childfree weekend (no family close by to take them) just to stay in bed until 9am and then do some DIY. Sigh.

Bloody hell OP are you me? I work part time from home and have kids the same age range as yours. Allocated chores in our house are:

Everyone except youngest keeps their own room clean, ie dusted, hoovered, bed changed. I will reinforce if it gets too shocking.

DD(18) hovers whole house once a week and intermediate hoovering where necessary (she gets her £20 allowance for this).

DD(20) is normally away at Uni but in the summer howls is responsible for grass cutting, deck oiling, car cleaning etc.

Everyone puts their own washing in the colour sorted basket or it won't be washed.

Everyone empties the dishwasher and lays the table on request, with 4 kids, no way am I doing it. Beware, I will ask the person who is looking least busy.

DH is in charge of all car related matters and clears up after dinner about 75% of the time. He works long hours so I cut him some slack. To be fair DH is not a loafer; he is always busy doing something.

Little DS(8) is responsible for keeping the 4 loos stocked with paper and hand wash. Start 'em early.