about the unrelenting nature of running a household & caring for family

[marmitenot]

I am so tired of being in charge.

My oldest child is 20 my youngest is 8 (4 of them in total). I feel like I don't want to be the person responsible for everything anymore.

I worked for 10 years full time, SAHM for 8 years, back to work full time 3 years ago and I do everything for the household. Every piece of housework, every piece of admin, every school run, every school event. My husband works long hours (although no longer than me) but I work from home.

I am the person who makes everything happen yet no one notices. If I don't do it I just get complaints.

When I ask for help or try to assign jobs it has no effect. Our house is a tip (I have very low standards as it is) yet I work my backside off keeping on top of things.

I want things to change, I want to be appreciated, I want the 6 people in the household to play their part in keeping everything on track but nothing I have done has worked. I don't want to be a martyr - I just want to do less. How on earth did this happen?

I'm a SAHM.
At the moment..
House cleaning. One full day a week.
Two supermarket shops a week.
Home admin insurance banking utilities etc etc
Mums taxi service to DD
One morning a week at college (year 3 of a 6 year course)
Organising School PTA Summer Fair (turnover approx £6k)
PTA committee member (stuff to do daily)
Last week of a 6week School project with DD
Shattered. Feel constantly nauseous. I would go under if I had a Proper Job too.

Rules in our house

We all do ONE of the following at each meal - so cook, load the dish washer, clean the floors/surfaces, put things away after dish washing.
So if we eat, we do something to help. People who aren't there for a meal, don't help.

I won't make pack lunches or cook for people if they aren't pulling their weight as a rule. There have been times when the kids have ended up making themselves baked beans on toast and then making their own sandwiches for school the next day too. They have had to learn the hard way.

At weekends my kids quickly tidy their own rooms, change their beds ( with help) plus hang up or take laundry in. They also have one big job, so cleaning the car, cooking a simple meal or mowing the lawn. DH tends to Hoover through and mop floors.

I think that it's very hard to change habits. If people are accustomed to you cooking dinner etc, it'll be difficult to move away from that. I'd suggest you have a family conference to agree who will do what, rather than you taking it on yourself to allocate jobs to other people.

If your family are good at pretending "not to notice" that the bathroom needs to be cleaned, then you could either -

(a) agree that they will do jobs which cannot be ignored for long eg dishwashers, laundry (it soon becomes clear that you have no clean socks), or else

(b) agree precisely what tasks must be done eg "clean the bathroom" becomes "on Monday - wipe shower, wipe wc, change towels, check soap" etc. That way, it's easier to monitor if it's been done.

If you go for option (b) then you may need to stand firm if family muck around eg "You didn't clean the bathroom so I haven't cooked dinner. That's how it works. We all need to do our bit."

I think it's important to stand firm and don't step in to come to the rescue. Most people are pretty good at doing things which they consider important and quite willing to sit back if they think some other sucker will do it eventually

Oh and I really sympathise with working from home. Everyone thinks it's a bonus that your hours are so flexible, but it means you're expected to do a lot of household stuff because you're there anyway

Oh yes .Its amazing how easily it all falls to one person if we allow it to.

I have a bit of a control problem and hate other people under my feet while I get on with stuff. But I realised that this isnt helping my Dc learn how to run their own homes eventually. So I started a sharing campaign.

Each Dc has a cooking day where they decide what day they are cooking and are responsible for the whole event.Thats prep ,cook and clear.I find it easier that way as otherwise the whole thing falls down if the prepper or clearer is missing and I have to step in once again (....and while you're there...)

We decided as a family a while ago to draw up a Menu that spans about 6-8 weeks where we all say what we like to eat, every meal is given a number and they are randomly and equally distributed throughout the time period. This makes shopping and planning meals so much easier. We drop meals if its a chippy tea day or we eat out and its a bonus if it just happens to be your day to cook .

They do take responsibility for their own laundry in that they put it into the baskets and iron the dried clothes.

I also made the mistake of taking on responsibility for admin because I was better at searching for insurance quotes etc. I realised this wasn't good when DH saw one of the receipts and was aghast at how much it was.he really had no idea.Fondly believing it was similar to when he last did it himself. That dropped the scales from my eyes.I thought I was helping by doing this but if something happens to me he would have no idea .So now we both sit and do it together,If we aren't together it doesn't get done.

I still have lots to do .But now I have some time to sit and MN(while DC1 makes dinner ) and I no longer have a ironing mountain taunting me every weekend.

I understand what your saying - I think you need to make your kids do more around the house, you shouldn't be running about after them!

With regards to your list, to be fair the kids can't really do any of it. If I was honest I would need to say I wouldn't have the free time during the day to make all those other calls do the rest of the stuff like pick up prescriptions and I work from home. My Dh couldn't make the calls either as he isn't allowed to make personal calls from his work nor does he have a mobile, we would need to work out a lot of those tasks during the course of the week as none of them need done on that particular day.

One thing that works on scout camps is to make 1 person or team responsible for everything on one day. So all washing/cooking/cleaning. I imagine the competitive edge would be lost in a family but at some point the idea should hit home that they need to do it all, and well. Otherwise it impacts on the next person/day and so on.

But how to make any of them care? I think they have to follow your DH and if he leaves it all to you, that's what the DC will do.

Is your twenty year old due to be at home much longer? I think that it might be a bit late to expect a huge change in habits from them and you might be better off starting with the younger ones.

Separate laundry baskets are the way to go. ;)

In fairness, a lot of the jobs on your list would exist even if there were no children in the house. But what you can do is to get them to take on more of the daily grind which frees your head space up for the admin.

Well, OP, you can either do it all, or start to delegate.

I know it would be good if you didnt have to even think about what needed doing but currently you are doing the thinking and the doing.

Give them shit to do!!!!!

You may still have to nag them until they are trained. I don't nag much now. Occasionally they even do stuff without being asked

You need to delegate, explain what they need to do, reinforce it once, and if they don't do it, stop picking up the pieces. Let things go to shit. It will be hideous but you need to make an impact.

I think OPs problem maybe isn't actually doing all the stuff more than thinking about what needs doing ...if you delegate it still means you have to think about it at some point ...and sometimes you feel like your brain might explode (or implode)
This is a tough time of year anyway (in Scotland so school breaks up at the end of next week) had a nightmare couple of weeks - I'm a SAHM who has a very part time job - 4 hrs per week - but at this time of the year it is more like full time (other times much less) I also do a couple of volunteer jobs and I only have 2 DCs. As a SAHM most of the household stuff falls to me...also DP works early shift so bed early and out before we get up.
Last week I had something on every night and most days too - sport's day etc - even if just picking up DD1 from an activity...and next week is not much easier - Dcs in two different schools doesn't help...I have something 'on' everyday again. (And as a SAHM you feel obliged to turn up to things)
I was helping organise a summer fair today - then bagging up the money to bank and then was supposed to go to a leaving party tonight (not very well so haven't gone)
Tomorrow I have a couple of things on - one for each DD - as well as needing to get some washing done and ideally getting into town to buy a new house phone....
About a week ago - in an attempt to get things under control - I was sorting out my to do list - it is two full a4 sides, printed, single space, size 10 font ...and things like washing etc aren't on there...
And as I crossed things off I remembered new things to go on - even stupid things like buy the teacher's presents....tomorrow while hanging around whilst DD1 is at an activity I going to try plan my week and prioritise my to do list

The problem is all these 'little' things on top of the daily grind ...and in my life if I try and concentrate on eg clearing my desk I can guarantee the rest of the house will become a sty...so I agree if you can delegate stuff to the rest of the family - like the washing up - you will have more time to make brain space...
Also I love '5 mins or less' (comes from unfuck your habitat I think) - if something takes 5 mins or less just do it - don't even let it get on your list/in your brain...makes a difference - stops you walking round thinking I must empty the dishwasher, wipe that bird poo off the window and pay that bill - 15 mins and they are all done...

Write down everything you've done for the family (including working) and ask DH and eldest to do the same. Will prove interesting and make your point.

Sort them first and then sort the rest. Changing everything/one in one go will be too much.

Give them jobs to do that will have an impact on all the family and don't remind them. Tell them that you won't remind them. Then if they fail it will be the rest of the family complaining and nagging, not just you.

You have to be prepared to experience pain.

Nothing will change unless you are prepared to make everyone feel the consequences of not doing stuff.

So:
pay for music lessons - music lessons cancelled for non payment.
sign Karate form - karate given up because form not signed.
organise money for window cleaner - not paid
pay for newspapers - no newspapers
compare car insurance quote & change insurer - let it renew automatically at exortionate cost.
buy birthday present for youngest child's friend - let child go to party with dad and get him to explain to friend's parents
sign D of E form - don't
Speak to bank & cancel bank cards because of suspicious payment ok, maybe you have to do this one.
be in the house when alarm man came to test alarm - nope, just have "you weren't in when we called" card or be charged fee for missed appointment
arrange for builder to look at damp patch on wall - damp patch gets bigger
arrange date for car service - car doesn't get serviced and possibly breaks down.
pick up child's prescription - ok you need to do this one.
arrange date for child's orthodontist apt - ditto
arrange dishwasher repair man - no, just leave dishes in the sink til someone else notices

Nothing will change until other members of the household start feeling the consequences of things not being done. Only when that happens will they appreciate what you do and understand that they need to help out.

Only problem with just walking out is that you have to go back! And if for only a week they will be able to get by...
I ended up in hospital for almost a week - DP coped - as he reminds me when I am moaning ... he managed to get DCs to school in uniform and fed...and it was easy apparently...
What he doesn't appreciate/realise is that my friends helped out - picked up from school a couple of times and took DCs to activities - (we did lift shares so when I was well again I did extra to make up.)
He did washing - he boiled washed everything - including DCs brand new leggings...and did mixed loads - the white polo shirts ended up permanently grey....and no towels or bed changes.
He didn't hoover or mop a floor or clean the bathroom...
They ate spaghetti bolognaise and chilli con carni - stuff I had batched cooked and frozen - and pasta pesto for 3 days in a row...and we had had our monthly big online food shop days before I was admitted...all he needed to buy was milk and bread.

The school knew I was in hospital - from when they asked DC for the lunch money they didn't have ...they decided to leave it for a couple of days before asking and then DP just sent in a £20 note...school organised change for him etc...
He didn't open a letter - had a pile waiting for me when I got home - he didn't pay any bills etc...
I did kind of get a rest ...but it made DP underestimate just how much I do...

I think it would be unreasonable not to sign children's permission forms or pay for their activities, as they are children and that is part of the parental role.

But there is no reason why DH cannot sit down and sign a couple of forms, write cheques, put them in envelopes etc.

Branching Out - ordinarily I'd agree with you. However, in the context of a loving family where DC have always been well looked after and their emotional/psychological needs nurtured, a one-off instance where that doesn't happen can be more benefiical than the other lessons.

The lesson that a household requires all members, young and old, to pull their weight, and that if someone doesn't do their bit someone else suffers unfairly is a very valuable one and one that will have far more benefit than a term's worth of music lessons (especially as chances are, grovelling father can go into school and make it right). The children learn mum isn't to be taken for granted, and the other parent learns that he has been riding on his wife's coat-tails for far too long. He should feel like such a heel afterwards that this should not happen again. IF he doesn't, however, the OP might have bigger problems.

Doing nothing, however, or using the "children come first" argument to continue with all the martyrdom, simply results in a new generation of people who have no understanding of how a household runs, how to organise themselves, or a sense of fair play. That's a major handicap in today's world as for many young people it manifests as an inability to adapt well to new jobs and relationships.

The only exception I would make is for safety and a risk of harm.

I think activities you have to make one parent responsible - eg you do karate - that's for getting them there, signing forms, paying fees, entering extra events on family calendar, making sure they have the right kit etc.
Part of my job & volunteer stuff is with children's activities - I chase a non-payer and often it is the other parent who was supposed to pay and hasn't -they aren't passing the buck - the act of dropping off etc is a reminder. Same with 'extras' - we send out email reminders -if it isn't to the normal drop off parent they often get forgotten/message not passed on.
In my own life one DC does an activity which I normally deal with - but pick up sometimes clashes with something else I do so DP does it - he often forgets to bring back a bit of equipment, doesn't hand on a notes to me etc - if he took her he would know what she needed to take with her and what to bring home - and I wouldn't turn up to drop her off to find out it was not on /at a different venue - note still in bag from week before...

You need to make your expectations clear and stick to them. My 18 month old puts his dirty plate in the sink and then "helps" wash it up. He also helps unload the dishwasher and load the washing machine. He also puts his toys away when asked. Ok, at his age it's a game and it takes twice as long to do anything that he helps with, but he will be expected to help with chores as he gets older as that's what families do.

Draw up a list of all the household chores and admin stuff, and then sit down with everyone and assign it over. Put it up with a box to tick on the fridge and then people have to do it. If they don't do it, they have to pay a fine. Be consistent and fair, DH has to pay too if he doesn't do it.

By the time I was 12 I was doing most of the cleaning (dishes, bathrooms, mop, Hoover etc) and by 16 I was cooking too.

I agree that toddlers can be shown good habits, but on the other hand toddlers love to help so that may not be the best example for the OP. That horse has left the stable...

The question is motivating children to take responsibility when they are no longer fascinated by 'helping' or endlessly entertained by a bowl full of soapy water.

I think it is about changing the patterns of your household. I am evangelical about separate laundry baskets as the responsibility for each person's dirty clothing physically remains with them rather than disappearing into a black hold known as 'the washing'. Combine that with a labelled basket for clean clothing and you have the beginnings of a system.

This morning I asked my four year old to get the things that need washing out of his basket and put them in a pile for washing, which he did. I am under no illusions that this pattern will hold through his teenage years, but it is a start.

Black hole