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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not invite neighbour's dc to...

80 replies

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:31

...my 10 yo dc's party? The party is at home/ in the garden. They play out together practically everyday as my dc is very versatile and can play with boys or girls, older or younger. The child in question is 2 school years younger and the opposite sex. Although my dc is having boys and girls to the party, they are all 2 school years above my neighbour's child. My dc wants to have this party with peer group alone and not invite the younger child or their even younger sibling, who would likely tag along. However, there is another neighbour who is older than my dc who i feel we must invite as they will be able to see the party in progress from their house and as they are older, they will not really need any supervision.

AIBU to exclude the younger neighbour? The mum and I are friends and I really don't want to cause upset, but equally, I feel that my dc shouldn't be forced to have 2 much younger dc present. What should I say to them? It is highly likely that the dc will call for my dc during the party. So as not to drip feed, we did invite them previously but in a low key 'pop by if you're free' kind of way...and it slightly backfired.

OP posts:

WeirdCatLady · 20/06/2014 16:34

I think if you invite one lot of neighbours kids you should invite the others. As your dc only want specific kids I don't know why you would invite any of the neighbours. If they pop by I'd say sorry but it's a specific party. But is the previous invite for this party? If so then you have to let them come as you've invited them already.

notnowbernard · 20/06/2014 16:34

I wouldn't invite 1 set of neighbours and not the other

Would either be just school friends or school + neighbours

Leaving 1 set out is a bit off IMO

Nanny0gg · 20/06/2014 16:34

Don't invite any neighbours and just have friends from school.

Or invite both.

What are you planning for the party?

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:38

It's to do with the ages of the dc and the nature of the party, and the dc's ability to manage it without parental supervision. It's an age thing, hence one set of neighbours can 'cope' the other very much less so. Invitations not yet out. Previous party was last year. Thanks.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 20/06/2014 16:41

I would invite them. They play with them everyday, it's a bit mean to have a party right in their faces and not invite.

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:42

We have to invite the other set as there it would be a big social faux las not to. However, with the other dc it is genuinely about age. To leave out the older neighbours would feel like exclusion with no basis.

OP posts:

KnackeredMuchly · 20/06/2014 16:43

I'd invite them, a lesson to your son in being kind. At least as they're neighbours they can go if they're not happy.

I'd drop some hints to the Mum and ask her to stay for the party.

KnackeredMuchly · 20/06/2014 16:43

I'd invite them, a lesson to your son in being kind. At least as they're neighbours they can go if they're not happy.

I'd drop some hints to the Mum and ask her to stay for the party.

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:46

Ok knackered... My dc let them come last time and their behaviour made my dc feel a bit embarrassed in front of peers. Is it not ok to have separate friends outside school and not want them to mix?

OP posts:

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:48

My dc is very kind. Honestly! We are constantly told that by others at school/ outside school. Always goes out on a limb and sticks up for others.

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 20/06/2014 16:52

I'd definitely invite them. Explain tot heir parents about the nature of the party and ask them to stay to supervise / help their dc? I think it would be a bit mean to have a party that they'd basically have to watch from their bedroom windows with sad faces.

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:53

Oh no little! They won't be able to see the party! The neighbours who CAN see it we plan to invite, for precisely that reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:54

You say 'ask them to stay and supervise' but isn't ok for a 10 year old to not want a 6 and 8 yo at their party?? I'm obv in a minority so far!

OP posts:

littlejohnnydory · 20/06/2014 16:54

It does sound tricky though. Not mixing friends is one thing, it would be ok not to let them gatecrash a play date etc, but a birthday party is a bit different I think. If he really doesn't want to invite them can you have it somewhere else?

WaffleWiffle · 20/06/2014 16:55

My children have neighbourhood friends and school friends - that are kept entirely separately.

In the past we have had some parties that invite both school and neighbour friends (all neighbour friends tho, to be fair). These are 'catch all' parties where numbers don't matter though - like roller disco or bouncy castle.

When numbers are limited, generally speaking my children would pick school friends not neighbour friends.

littlejohnnydory · 20/06/2014 16:55

If they had younger siblings, they'd come - he's obviously happy to play with them almost daily, so it's a bit like using them if they don't get invited - that's how I'd see it anyway. You're allowed not to invite them, but I wouldn't do it.

CoffeeTea103 · 20/06/2014 16:57

The thing is it comes across as the neighbors kids are good enough to play with everyday and then sometimes not. I would invite them but tell the mum that the activity needs a bit of supervision so if she doesn't mind staying. She might decide that she can't and not send the kids or she will stay and everyone wins.

schmee · 20/06/2014 16:57

Don't invite either neighbourhood kid. Explain to the parents that your DC is having a party for their school friends and suggest another date when they could have a play (and a small cake maybe) with the neighbourhood kids.

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 16:57

Waffle, this is what we want to do- school friend only. Except... Invite the ones who actually live next door and would see the party.

OP posts:

pengymum · 20/06/2014 16:59

Personally, I'd invite both neighbours or neither.
But I wouldn't invite anyone just because they can see the party going on!
Your DC are allowed to have parties with just friends and do not have to invite neighbours!

Patilla · 20/06/2014 17:02

I don't understand why a child has to be invited to a party just because they live nearby even if they are old enough and can see it. Surely they are old enough to understand that it's a party for school friends only?

That way, you don't invite any neighbours and it's easier all around?

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 17:02

Ok, I cannot say much more without outing myself but we tried the 'stay and supervise ' thing last year. It did not work. On that basis am I still mean to exclude??

OP posts:

Hoogally · 20/06/2014 17:02

Ah c

Original poster

UnhappyFeet · 20/06/2014 17:03

But... My dc actually wants to invite the neighbours who can see the party, as they are older and will 'cope socially' with the situation.

OP posts:

Hoofdegebouw · 20/06/2014 17:04

My dc play with neighbours that are 2 and 4 years older than them. They have parties that my dc are not invited to, and vice versa. I've never found it at all odd - you could have a birthday tea with neighbours on another day (which us what we have done in past, but not every year).

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